Four years ago I became a Mama!

Happy Birthday to Rogan!

How has it been four years already? 

I remember standing in line when he was just months old, I had him all bundled up in his car seat in the stroller, he was sleeping, I was relaxed smiling. Another Mom with two little toddlers said to me, "soak up every minute of this, because once you have more it will never be the same, there's just something special about a brand new baby". I heard similar words everywhere I went... "cherish every moment because it goes so fast". Every time I answered the same, " oh trust me, I am! I've waited along time for this and I'm loving it"! 

I was in a Bible study and a friend came up and gave me a hug, my shoulder was wet with spit up. She said, "Oh I remember those days, I hated being covered in spit up all the time." I replied, "I absolutely love it!" 

Ya, I know I'm just a little crazy. But there's just something different about me, maybe it's the lens I view these things through, the lens of pain from an empty womb. 

Spit up, poopy diapers, snotty noses...bring it on! I'll take every bit of it! 

I no longer have the dirty diapers or spit up to deal with...(tear), he is growing way too fast before my very eyes. Don't get me wrong, it's not all puppies and rainbows all the time, I do have my frustrating days. But I pray I've never taken any of this motherhood for granted. He truly has blessed our lives more than I can ever put into words, but I will try and recap what we experienced four years ago today...

From this journal are words I have written and will continue to write to Rogan about the day he was born, funny things he's said, and other adventures. 

10/9/09

We load up the car with diaper bags, portable crib, formula, bottles, all the necessary baby things, and we drive to Vancouver. The birth mama is 9 days past her due date and this is the scheduled day to induce. Our case worker told us not to rush up there, because most likely it would be an entire day of waiting. 

We were there by 9 am! Ooops...

I remember trying to be calm and relaxed but I think it was pretty much impossible! Most moms are a little distracted and preoccupied on the day their child is born. Me, I was eating Burgerville for breakfast, checking into a hotel and wandering around Walmart to kill time. We became quite familiar with the hospital waiting room, we watched countless families come and go. Some waddling in, and others being checked out to head home with their bundle of joy. I will say, there isn't a magazine you can read to keep you entertained for 12 hours while there is a girl in the room down the hall giving birth to a baby that will be our son. 

Here is what I wrote on the day he was born, 

"Oh, sweet baby, we met you today! You are so precious! Your birth mom handed you to me with tears in her eyes, showing gratitude to us. I've never felt more blessed. You were born at 9:36 pm weighing 7lbs 4oz. I'm so rummy and tired already that I heard the nurses say you were 55" long and I didn't think a thing of it...you were really 19 1/2" long." 

We were bustled off to the infant ICU, where he was given his first bath and looked over by the nurses. He was perfectly healthy but because the adoption wasn't final he had to be kept in a lock down facility. We stayed there with Rogan hooked up to monitors (ICU protocol), taking turns sleeping on the one little bench while the other one went back to the hotel room to shower, eat and catch a couple hours of sleep.

10/13/09 
Finally paper work had gone through and we were released from the hospital. Of course, this all took place on a holiday weekend so everything was delayed. It still seems crazy that we were so excited to take a newborn "home" to a hotel, where we would be until a judge signed off on more paper work so we could cross the border into Oregon. We weren't able to have any visitors for the five days we were in the hospital, so you can imagine we were pretty happy to show him off to our family and friends at the hotel. 

We spent a couple more days hotel living, but that seemed like a piece of cake because we didn't have nurses coming in and out every couple hours, we had a TV, a bed, and most importantly we were all together! 

Through all the years of heartache I never imagined this would be what God was planning for us. It certainly doesn't make the pain and the scars of infertility go away. They remain to this day and I still get hit with the heartache of not becoming pregnant. But one thing I know for sure is God blessed Mike and I more than we deserve with a happy healthy baby who is growing into a fine little boy!

May I never forget how much God cares about me and our family!

Now, I'm off for a date day with my lil man! Thanks for reading :) 

Expectations

I can be going along fine with relationships in my life and then my crazy dreaming brain has to go and think something up. You know, that very thing that would speak to your heart and encourage you? And when the person doesn't read your mind you’re disappointed.

I recently had this happen with my husband. Now, let me just stop and say, I have his permission to be sharing this and we are laughing about the situation now. But last week it wasn't so funny...

I got it in my head that I just "had" to have this pair of rubber boots, I'd been eyeing them for some time but the forecast for an especially stormy weekend made me really want them. I was in town one day and decided for $20 I better just get them, but they didn't have my size. That night I told my husband and said "if you ever want to get me a present this is a great idea, hint hint". 

A little back history, we have had multiple conversations that gifts is one of my love languages, he knows this and strives to speak to me that way. Although if any of you know about love languages they can be tricky because it is difficult to speak a language different than how you're equipped. So for him, buying a little insignificant gift doesn't say "I love you and I care about you"  the same way it does to me. 

So a couple nights later there was some cash on the desk from a Leather Creation sale. He asked if he could take a twenty because he had ran out of spending money for the week. My heart hoped a bit and I thought maybe he is thinking of me.

I could have gone and bought them myself but as I've always said, "It is not about what IT is, it's the reason and the thoughtfulness behind it". 

My expectations weren't even to the forefront of my mind when he got home extra late because of terrible traffic. What was currently on my mind was the chicken taking forever to cook, the overcooked-soggy vegis and the burnt sweet potato fries. All the while Rogan is bouncing from one couch to the next dressed as Spider-man asking me to play with him and be his hero. Basically I had forgotten about the stupid boots by the time he walked in the door. Although, I responded with a much deeper disappointment and hurt when my exhausted husband showed annoyance with the flock of fruit flies hovering over the kitchen sink. I immediately flew into the unappreciated wife mode... "I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, organized the spare room, took the cat to the vet, made a pie, mowed the lawn, ran the dishwasher twice! Yet the minute you walk in the door you attack my abilities as a house wife to manage fruit flies!" I may not have said one word of that but I do know all that was running through my mind and I do know that my countenance changed, my tone, and expressions. Usually my feelings are written all over my face...unfortunately. 

It is much easier to jump to accusations that he doesn't appreciate all I do, but let's be honest here, the big issue is I came up with an idea, a sweet little gesture in my head and then when he didn't read my mind I was hurt. It is all so ridiculous spelled out on paper now. Isn't that just the way it is with most of our little disagreements with our loved ones?

Because my husband is determined not to let issues brew and fester he dug till he got the real issue out. After Rogan was in bed we talked and I felt pretty silly admitting that I had hoped for the boots and the real issue wasn't that I felt unappreciated as a mom and housewife. 

See, the problem with expectations is we miss what the person IS DOING, we put perimeters on what will bless us- the only way to reach us. With my focus (consciously or subconsciously) on the boots I forgot about the note he left me in the morning appreciating my hard work and the text he sent me during the day saying I was Super woman and most importantly, the grace he extended over the dried out, burnt, soggy dinner. I couldn't ask for a more loving, caring, listening husband. He is always willing to talk and hear my saga of a day even after he has worked ten hours and commuted three. God has blessed me with a great guy. Yet unmet expectations can quickly put me into a victim pity party mood.  I've done this plenty with God too when I pray and ask Him to fulfill a hearts desire. When it doesn't happen I feel forgotten and let down. 

So whether it be my husband, friends, family or God wouldn't it just be better to accept what it is they do, say, or give? I think I will forever struggle with expectations. But the sooner I can identify the problem and get off my butt from the pity party pit the less I will build a case against that person and the sooner I can accept their love and appreciation. I will continue with this journey and keeping my eyes peeled for those sneaky expectations!

{Yes, I got the boots as you can see from the picture. They had one in my size left, yay!}

Memories and Pictures

You know you have a lot of pictures on your phone when you don't even have enough space to download the latest updates available. My phone is the only thing I use to take pictures anymore, the digital camera seems like an antique even though it's just a few years old.

I pulled up my photo album on my phone and decided it's as good a time as any to start cleaning it out. I mean, who needs 1600 pictures on their phone? A couple pictures of your family in your wallet use to be sufficient. Nowadays if you want to see a picture of someones kids you have thousands to choose from in every stage of life. An added bonus on my phone is you can see what I made for dinner, my new running shoes or me in my face mask.
As I scrolled through my pictures from the last couple years I was overcome with much emotion. 

So many memories and life shared. Some great feelings of victories and others of failure. 

I look back and see pictures of Rogan with his round little cheeks, and short legs and  I realize how tall and boyish he has become. I smile at the memories of how excited we were to see those first steps and hear the first words. The day when he could fit into this dump truck seems like a life time ago...

He has changed so much in just the last six months, and I'm sure the next six will be no exception. 

Even though I have a lot of pictures of this little man on my phone I also have plenty of others that also remind me of great times. Date nights with my hubby, family trips, and cherished time with friends. With the good always comes the not so good. I'm also reminded of loss, hurt and times I will never get back.

I look back and wish I could be in as good of shape as I thought I wasn't in then. Please tell me I'm not alone in this? I regret to say that I often find myself looking at a picture to see how I look. (I could veer off on a rabbit trail here, but I'll save it for another day.) Along with all the above also comes grief and sadness from broken relationships. I would love to live in a world where you make a friend, a connection and it lasts forever. That we would share our hurt feelings and offenses rather than bottle them up and sign each other off (advice for myself). Yet the reality is we are broken hurting people that hurt each other. Or sometimes life just drifts us apart and what may have been a closeness in one season of our life just isn't the same as babies grow and life changes. I hold dear to my heart each season and trust that there was purpose in each one. Yet, sometimes looking back on these pictures can just make me sad. Can anyone relate? They are times we never get back. I find myself questioning if I really loved, forgave and extended grace like Jesus. Or was I too busy trying to be heard or understood? Was I so concerned about what I was eating or what kind of shape I was in that I missed the blessings all around me? It's so easy to get focused in on one thing, one goal I want to accomplish and miss out on everything else. Looking back in time it is much easier to see the reality of it all, to cut myself some slack and extend grace to others.

So here are just a few pictures that stood out to me as I backed up pictures and created space on my phone for updates.

The weekend of my first 1/2 marathon holds nothing but good memories for me. The bittersweet comes with knowing that I will never have a "first 1/2 marathon" again.

Although I trained hard and worked my butt off for that race I see now how I took for granted the privilege of running. After coming back very slowly from an injury currently I appreciate every mile I now run, taking none of it for granted.

A few more that hold great memories and seasons of life that will always be special to me.

If there was a lesson to be learned from any of this I would say it's appreciate every moment I'm in right now. To be grateful right now, today for everything even what may seem insignificant. 

Today I am happy and grateful for running 1.5 miles with my four legged running buddy and jammin' to "I love a rainy night" by Eddy Rabbit with Fall in the air! This is most definitely a moment I will look back on and cherish. So I chose not to ruin this beautiful moment by wishing I ran further or was faster, or skinnier.
And I will never ever quit taking a million silly pictures because sometimes I just need to look back and be reminded of all my blessings!

Take a deep breathe

This is such a big transition time for so many right now. Kids going back to school, ministries and fall kick off at church, routine and schedules starting after a Summer full of fun. 

For our family it's a little different. Summertime means crazy long hours for my husband at work (which won't be over for a few more months) and Rogan doesn't start preschool till next year. 

I find myself craving that change in season (well, Fall is my favorite). Mainly because summer and all its work wears me down. I get locked in to cooking, cleaning, getting the garbage out, laundry, grocery shopping, mowing...and the list could go on.

I often forget to just STOP and appreciate all the blessings I have.

So I took an opportunity to drive 400 miles to see my parents, sis and brother in law. 

Every time I make that trip there is one thing that I consistently  find, when I'm in the wide open I can't help but take a deep breathe. 

Life seemed to slow down a bit even though we had a schedule packed full of fun activities. I think it's just the disconnect from all that life demands. 

Rogan experienced a lot of "firsts". Funny how grandparents and aunts can bring that out.

First time on a ferris wheel...

 I didn't get a choice and was roped into this. I  barely moved once we got in the rocking seat that holds you 46 feet above the ground. Yikes! We survived and Dad and I both held our cookies. Rogan was a beaming giddy boy the whole time.  

He chewed gum for the first time. How do you explain that concept of not swallowing it? He somehow figured it out though. And was so serious about the new responsibility...

We went to two rodeos which meant he got to be a cowboy like Grandpa. 

There were a few other firsts such as a wheelbarrow ride by TT (Auntie Trin), and an improvising potty break for an almost four year old in a packed grandstand. Many great memories that only time spent together can provide. 

As I reflected during my drive home I realized how often I get locked in on one thing. That one thing can be anything and it's always changing. There is always something in my life I could justify being stressed out over. 

Once I look up and look out, farther than my eye can see I then feel the weight fall from my shoulders then being able to enjoy the simple things and enjoy time with others. 

This past weekend I was greatly blessed by so much but what blessed me the most was the TIME spent with family and the new experiences with my son. 

Now that I'm home and back to the grind, I will chose to remember this one thing. 

Take a deep breathe and look up. Whether I'm hanging clothes on the line or driving through the rolling hills of eastern Washington there is always reason to look outside the burden of  today and be grateful for where God has me. 

God Please take this

Have you ever found yourself struggling with the same thing time and time again? Getting tripped up in the same area countless times? I know this rings true for me. The root problem is always the same regardless of the area in my life.

I lose sight of who God says I am.

Which then leads to insecurities, discontentment and comparing myself to others. I journal and pray. I join Bible studies. I write verses of truth on index cards and plaster them on my mirror. All of which are great steps toward growth yet still I find myself tripped up by the same issues.

Monumental ah ha moments always come at the oddest times for me, and this time is no different.

I was working on a bracelet for leather creations one afternoon and decided to watch a bible study DVD that a friend loaned me. I was listening more than watching as the bracelet kept tangling and driving me crazy. The title of the study was “Be Still”. It was talking about experiencing God and growing in our relationship with Him. And how we as women and mothers say we are just so busy, and can't set aside quiet time with God. Yet, we MAKE the time for social media and our favorite evening shows. (Ouch! That hit home)

With that brief summary, this is what spoke loudest to me and was my “Ah ha moment”.

“You are so distracted with social media and what everyone else is doing. Let go of it!”

For me this is huge, I mean really HUGE! The fears of losing contact with people or being left out of events and the latest happenings are terrifying! (I know, there are a lot more terrifying things in this world) But seriously, I felt a bit in shock the rest of the day that I was even considering such a crazy act. There are just times when I know that I must step forward in obedience and this was one of those times. I believe its not so much that I'm really good at listening to God rather that I had reached a place of being absolutely sick and tired of fighting this battle. The moment of surrender.

I'm now a month into this fasting from facebook and instagram. I can say it hasn't been easy and I'm sure I've missed out on things. But already I see how wrapped up I was in life out there instead of focusing on the beautiful life God has blessed me with. I've had time to write, and I've truly been more content with my simple little life. I'm sure there is much more to all of this than I can see right now, a bigger picture. 

Today though, I struggle a little less with discontentment and see growth in one little area of my heart.

Songs always speak to me greatly and this one by Plumb has been a big part of my latest journey. One of the verses says, “Standing on a road I didn't plan, Wondering how I got to where I am, I'm trying to hear that still small voice, I'm trying to hear above the noise... How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this"? How many times have you given me strength to Just keep breathing? Oh I need you God, I need you now.”

According to Rogan this is “Our song” and you can be sure that we both sing it at the top our lungs when it comes on the radio or solo at any given time. 

May we all remember to hear that still small voice and cry out to God for help, surrendering those distractions for a deeper contentment.

Thanks for reading

Bat-sching-ers

Sometimes ya just gotta let the "To do list" go! 

And make bat-sching-ers. 

I'm not sure what they are really called but this what we call them. 

I must admit I felt a little frustrated when Rogan woke up after a 1 hour nap. (This is from a kid who still takes 3 hour naps most days) 

All I could think of was the list of things I still needed to do uninterrupted.

My agenda.

His eyes lit up when I reminded him that we still had to make bat-sching-ers. 

(We saw them in Bi Mart earlier and figured I could surely figure out a way to make them) 

It's amazing how much joy came from making these silly things. 

To stop what I was doing and enter into a world where cardboard and paint was a great adventure. 

They were barely dry before they were assisting batman in slaying bad guys in the backyard.

I would've missed out on a great blessing if I stayed with my agenda. 

Back to my list, making applesauce, dinner, laundry... I feel mostly accomplished from getting paint on my fingers. 

Thanks to my almost 4 year old for bat-sching-ers! 

P.S.  Before you start thinking we are the Brady Bunch, let me assure you we also had a couple trips to the corner for attitude adjustments in between play time. 

The first step

I'm hoping as I just start writing things will happen, the words that have been bouncing around in my head will just flow.

I have been dreaming of writing a blog for several months now and convincing myself that it just isn't the right time yet. Quite possibly it hasn't been the right time up to this point, or maybe I've allowed fear to hold me back.

Something has changed these past few weeks and I have had a renewed passion for writing.

I have know idea if now is God's timing for me to step out with this but I will continue to take steps of obedience and see where He leads me.

Let me back up... I attended a writers conference back in April. It was a huge deal for me to even sign up for it let alone go to it. I felt completely dis qualified. For cryin' out loud who am I to go to “writers conference?!” My amazing husband encouraged me to go. Seems I'm always pushed toward growth when I say yes to something that causes my hands to sweat and my heart to pound out of my chest. I was fed and filled up in a great way that weekend.

The main thing God kept laying on my heart was “Write” you've got a story to tell. I went in thinking the biggest story I have to tell is our journey of infertility and adoption. During my most painful years of infertility I found the most comfort in reading books that other women wrote on the topic. Who knows if I will ever write a book on infertility but I will hold on to it as a big picture dream of mine.

After the conference and after talking to friends and people I met there, I began entertaining the thought of starting a blog. I will confess, I struggle with acceptance and what people think of me. And honestly that is what has held me back even prior to the writers conference.

Yet God lovingly reminds me of this, “You live my precious daughter for an audience of one.” He is my audience and it's Him who I want to be obedient to. I have seen his grace and provisions poured out over my life time and time again when I say “Yes” to Him.

I feel like I should have a theme for this blog, Infertility, Family, Motherhood....oh, the list could go on. But I just can't fit my life into a box or the healing and restoration that God has done in my life. So maybe instead it's just a blog about an ordinary girl that has faced trials, made mistakes and experienced much of God's blessings and undeserved grace.

Thank you for taking this first step with me and reading my first blog post!