Expectations

I can be going along fine with relationships in my life and then my crazy dreaming brain has to go and think something up. You know, that very thing that would speak to your heart and encourage you? And when the person doesn't read your mind you’re disappointed.

I recently had this happen with my husband. Now, let me just stop and say, I have his permission to be sharing this and we are laughing about the situation now. But last week it wasn't so funny...

I got it in my head that I just "had" to have this pair of rubber boots, I'd been eyeing them for some time but the forecast for an especially stormy weekend made me really want them. I was in town one day and decided for $20 I better just get them, but they didn't have my size. That night I told my husband and said "if you ever want to get me a present this is a great idea, hint hint". 

A little back history, we have had multiple conversations that gifts is one of my love languages, he knows this and strives to speak to me that way. Although if any of you know about love languages they can be tricky because it is difficult to speak a language different than how you're equipped. So for him, buying a little insignificant gift doesn't say "I love you and I care about you"  the same way it does to me. 

So a couple nights later there was some cash on the desk from a Leather Creation sale. He asked if he could take a twenty because he had ran out of spending money for the week. My heart hoped a bit and I thought maybe he is thinking of me.

I could have gone and bought them myself but as I've always said, "It is not about what IT is, it's the reason and the thoughtfulness behind it". 

My expectations weren't even to the forefront of my mind when he got home extra late because of terrible traffic. What was currently on my mind was the chicken taking forever to cook, the overcooked-soggy vegis and the burnt sweet potato fries. All the while Rogan is bouncing from one couch to the next dressed as Spider-man asking me to play with him and be his hero. Basically I had forgotten about the stupid boots by the time he walked in the door. Although, I responded with a much deeper disappointment and hurt when my exhausted husband showed annoyance with the flock of fruit flies hovering over the kitchen sink. I immediately flew into the unappreciated wife mode... "I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, organized the spare room, took the cat to the vet, made a pie, mowed the lawn, ran the dishwasher twice! Yet the minute you walk in the door you attack my abilities as a house wife to manage fruit flies!" I may not have said one word of that but I do know all that was running through my mind and I do know that my countenance changed, my tone, and expressions. Usually my feelings are written all over my face...unfortunately. 

It is much easier to jump to accusations that he doesn't appreciate all I do, but let's be honest here, the big issue is I came up with an idea, a sweet little gesture in my head and then when he didn't read my mind I was hurt. It is all so ridiculous spelled out on paper now. Isn't that just the way it is with most of our little disagreements with our loved ones?

Because my husband is determined not to let issues brew and fester he dug till he got the real issue out. After Rogan was in bed we talked and I felt pretty silly admitting that I had hoped for the boots and the real issue wasn't that I felt unappreciated as a mom and housewife. 

See, the problem with expectations is we miss what the person IS DOING, we put perimeters on what will bless us- the only way to reach us. With my focus (consciously or subconsciously) on the boots I forgot about the note he left me in the morning appreciating my hard work and the text he sent me during the day saying I was Super woman and most importantly, the grace he extended over the dried out, burnt, soggy dinner. I couldn't ask for a more loving, caring, listening husband. He is always willing to talk and hear my saga of a day even after he has worked ten hours and commuted three. God has blessed me with a great guy. Yet unmet expectations can quickly put me into a victim pity party mood.  I've done this plenty with God too when I pray and ask Him to fulfill a hearts desire. When it doesn't happen I feel forgotten and let down. 

So whether it be my husband, friends, family or God wouldn't it just be better to accept what it is they do, say, or give? I think I will forever struggle with expectations. But the sooner I can identify the problem and get off my butt from the pity party pit the less I will build a case against that person and the sooner I can accept their love and appreciation. I will continue with this journey and keeping my eyes peeled for those sneaky expectations!

{Yes, I got the boots as you can see from the picture. They had one in my size left, yay!}

Memories and Pictures

You know you have a lot of pictures on your phone when you don't even have enough space to download the latest updates available. My phone is the only thing I use to take pictures anymore, the digital camera seems like an antique even though it's just a few years old.

I pulled up my photo album on my phone and decided it's as good a time as any to start cleaning it out. I mean, who needs 1600 pictures on their phone? A couple pictures of your family in your wallet use to be sufficient. Nowadays if you want to see a picture of someones kids you have thousands to choose from in every stage of life. An added bonus on my phone is you can see what I made for dinner, my new running shoes or me in my face mask.
As I scrolled through my pictures from the last couple years I was overcome with much emotion. 

So many memories and life shared. Some great feelings of victories and others of failure. 

I look back and see pictures of Rogan with his round little cheeks, and short legs and  I realize how tall and boyish he has become. I smile at the memories of how excited we were to see those first steps and hear the first words. The day when he could fit into this dump truck seems like a life time ago...

He has changed so much in just the last six months, and I'm sure the next six will be no exception. 

Even though I have a lot of pictures of this little man on my phone I also have plenty of others that also remind me of great times. Date nights with my hubby, family trips, and cherished time with friends. With the good always comes the not so good. I'm also reminded of loss, hurt and times I will never get back.

I look back and wish I could be in as good of shape as I thought I wasn't in then. Please tell me I'm not alone in this? I regret to say that I often find myself looking at a picture to see how I look. (I could veer off on a rabbit trail here, but I'll save it for another day.) Along with all the above also comes grief and sadness from broken relationships. I would love to live in a world where you make a friend, a connection and it lasts forever. That we would share our hurt feelings and offenses rather than bottle them up and sign each other off (advice for myself). Yet the reality is we are broken hurting people that hurt each other. Or sometimes life just drifts us apart and what may have been a closeness in one season of our life just isn't the same as babies grow and life changes. I hold dear to my heart each season and trust that there was purpose in each one. Yet, sometimes looking back on these pictures can just make me sad. Can anyone relate? They are times we never get back. I find myself questioning if I really loved, forgave and extended grace like Jesus. Or was I too busy trying to be heard or understood? Was I so concerned about what I was eating or what kind of shape I was in that I missed the blessings all around me? It's so easy to get focused in on one thing, one goal I want to accomplish and miss out on everything else. Looking back in time it is much easier to see the reality of it all, to cut myself some slack and extend grace to others.

So here are just a few pictures that stood out to me as I backed up pictures and created space on my phone for updates.

The weekend of my first 1/2 marathon holds nothing but good memories for me. The bittersweet comes with knowing that I will never have a "first 1/2 marathon" again.

Although I trained hard and worked my butt off for that race I see now how I took for granted the privilege of running. After coming back very slowly from an injury currently I appreciate every mile I now run, taking none of it for granted.

A few more that hold great memories and seasons of life that will always be special to me.

If there was a lesson to be learned from any of this I would say it's appreciate every moment I'm in right now. To be grateful right now, today for everything even what may seem insignificant. 

Today I am happy and grateful for running 1.5 miles with my four legged running buddy and jammin' to "I love a rainy night" by Eddy Rabbit with Fall in the air! This is most definitely a moment I will look back on and cherish. So I chose not to ruin this beautiful moment by wishing I ran further or was faster, or skinnier.
And I will never ever quit taking a million silly pictures because sometimes I just need to look back and be reminded of all my blessings!

Take a deep breathe

This is such a big transition time for so many right now. Kids going back to school, ministries and fall kick off at church, routine and schedules starting after a Summer full of fun. 

For our family it's a little different. Summertime means crazy long hours for my husband at work (which won't be over for a few more months) and Rogan doesn't start preschool till next year. 

I find myself craving that change in season (well, Fall is my favorite). Mainly because summer and all its work wears me down. I get locked in to cooking, cleaning, getting the garbage out, laundry, grocery shopping, mowing...and the list could go on.

I often forget to just STOP and appreciate all the blessings I have.

So I took an opportunity to drive 400 miles to see my parents, sis and brother in law. 

Every time I make that trip there is one thing that I consistently  find, when I'm in the wide open I can't help but take a deep breathe. 

Life seemed to slow down a bit even though we had a schedule packed full of fun activities. I think it's just the disconnect from all that life demands. 

Rogan experienced a lot of "firsts". Funny how grandparents and aunts can bring that out.

First time on a ferris wheel...

 I didn't get a choice and was roped into this. I  barely moved once we got in the rocking seat that holds you 46 feet above the ground. Yikes! We survived and Dad and I both held our cookies. Rogan was a beaming giddy boy the whole time.  

He chewed gum for the first time. How do you explain that concept of not swallowing it? He somehow figured it out though. And was so serious about the new responsibility...

We went to two rodeos which meant he got to be a cowboy like Grandpa. 

There were a few other firsts such as a wheelbarrow ride by TT (Auntie Trin), and an improvising potty break for an almost four year old in a packed grandstand. Many great memories that only time spent together can provide. 

As I reflected during my drive home I realized how often I get locked in on one thing. That one thing can be anything and it's always changing. There is always something in my life I could justify being stressed out over. 

Once I look up and look out, farther than my eye can see I then feel the weight fall from my shoulders then being able to enjoy the simple things and enjoy time with others. 

This past weekend I was greatly blessed by so much but what blessed me the most was the TIME spent with family and the new experiences with my son. 

Now that I'm home and back to the grind, I will chose to remember this one thing. 

Take a deep breathe and look up. Whether I'm hanging clothes on the line or driving through the rolling hills of eastern Washington there is always reason to look outside the burden of  today and be grateful for where God has me.