Here is a piece of my story specifically my journey with infertility and adoption.
My
husband, Mike and I got married in November of 1999. We spent the
first 5 years of our marriage playing together and growing in our
relationship. In 2001 we started to attend church, knowing that we
wanted kids and wanting them raised in a church.
God
had so much more planned for us, our eyes were opened and our lives
were completely changed as God began healing both of us from past
hurts as well as completely rebuilding our marriage. Having children
was never a decision we took lightly. We both had brought a lot of
baggage into our relationship. We both wanted to find healing in
areas before starting a family.
Although
we were still learning and growing in our marriage and relationship
with God we decided to start trying for a baby in the spring of 2005.
I can remember clearly how I felt that first month, I just knew it
was going to happen and I couldn't wait to be a mom! When the next
month came my hopes and dreams crashed as I learned I wasn't
pregnant, the story continued month after month, and so begins the
story of the next five years....
The
first year was extremely difficult. I remember this deep down fear:
What if I never become pregnant?
I
heard a lot of advice from others such as, “Oh, it will happen,
Just relax and In God's time”. As I heard these words, I really
took them to heart and tried my hardest to relax and not want it so
bad. Yet, every month I found myself desiring to be a mom more and
more. I began to realize that what we were going through had a
name...“Infertility”.
My
husband and I started the tests. He was tested, I was tested, I
charted, I had blood tests, every month hoping that this was as far
as God was going to ask us to go and that one month He would say,
“OK, enough is enough. You guys are pregnant!” Little did I know
we had a much longer journey ahead.
That
first Mother's Day we went to church like any other Sunday. I didn't
think anything of it. I had no idea how difficult it would be.
I
barely made it through the service, practically running to the car
for safety the moment it was over. I felt alone and isolated feeling
like I was the only one that wasn't a Mom. I spent that day in tears,
depressed.
Until
then I didn't realize how big the storm of infertility could be and I
was in the middle of it.
I
began reading books from people who had been down this road and I
began to feel understood and not so isolated. I met a great friend
who was also in the midst of the same storm, and our friendship
greatly helped the years to come.
Life
went on-sort of. I got up, went to work everyday, attended church,
and lived my life month to month, riding the emotional roller
coaster. We had more tests that were more painful and more expensive,
leaving us with no new answers.
We
were at a cross roads: do we adopt, or begin fertility treatments, or
accept the fact that children aren't for us.
Around
that time I got a call from a friend asking me if I would be
interested in helping with a summer youth trip to Canada. The thought
of it scared me to death, yet another part of me really wanted to. As
a result of that week in Canada I began helping with the Sunday
morning youth program, and all the other events.
As
the months continued to roll by, still no baby. By this point I was
on fertility drugs, had acupuncture and chiropractic treatments,
detoxed, diet changes, and 3 fertility treatments. I had seriously
tried Everything!
God
was using me more and more in the youth ministry, and I was loving
it! I saw what he was doing, and could see that if we had become
pregnant right away that I would have never considered going to
Canada or getting involved. I asked God, “What are you waiting for?
I am hooked, I love these kids, can't I become pregnant while I
serve?”
I
began to fall into deep despair and depression. There were days that
I couldn't leave the house, because if I did I was sure to get hit
with the baby blues.
I
found myself surrounded by all my friends having babies and becoming
pregnant. I truly was the last one! I had never felt more forgotten
than I did at that moment.
Here
is a journal entry from Feb 2009:
“How
can this be? Talk about broken beyond crushed! Will I ever come back
from this? How will my heart ever be full again? God, I can't even
imagine what you are building in me? Seriously, what do you want from
me? How much more of a lesson do I need to learn from this? I will
die God, I can't take much more- I see no light at the end of the
tunnel! Please just let me die, this hurts too much!”
I
was so exhausted and numb. I found myself facing my third trip to
Canada. So bitter sweet, I loved sharing the week with the students,
yet it marked for me so much that I still didn't have.
We
had begun the process of adoption six months prior. Every step I took
was not because I felt like it, I chose to. We believed God was
asking us to move in that direction, and quite frankly I was angry
that He would ask one more thing from us....I was done and completely
to the end of myself!!
By
April of 2009 we were done with our home study and paperwork and were
officially on the waiting list. I chuckled sarcastically as I would
say, “now we just wait!”
Life
continued and honestly everyday was choosing to believe that God was
in control and up to something bigger than I could imagine. I was
still crushed and hurting worse than ever.
In
August I received a call as I was leaving the courthouse for jury
duty. Our case worker called to tell me that they were showing our
profile book to a birth mom that was due with a boy in October. I was
beside myself....there was some hope! I entertained the thought for a
second of holding a baby boy in October!! The weekend came and went
and no word...once again my hopes let down. Monday evening our case
worker called and said, “she picked your guys' profile book out of
a large stack and wants to meet you”!
I
couldn't even believe it was happening! Something was finally
happening!! We met for dinner at a restaurant and I don't think I ate
a bite, we fell in love with her. Our case worker told us we wouldn't
even know anything till the next week. Ten minutes down the road she
called and said, “Congratulations, you are having a boy in October”
We cried the whole way home, we were having a baby!!! I spent the
next two months getting everything gathered and doing the normal
“nesting”.
On
October 9th our son Rogan Shane was born. We were in the
waiting room when the birth grandparents came and congratulated us on
our son, they escorted us in to the room and the birth mom handed
Rogan to me and thanked us for adopting him. There is no doubt in my
mind that God had Rogan picked out for us this whole time. I could
never imagine anything so amazing till I met that boy and held him
for the first time.
God
has blessed me more than I deserve and more than I could have ever
imagined! He carried me through the worst pain of my life and
lovingly listened as I cried out to Him with my anger,
disappointments, bitterness and even ugliness!
I
don't know what God's plan is for our family and having more
children. The pain of infertility still lingers and the scars will
forever remain on my heart. I do believe that He is working and
orchestrating something amazing right now and He's not done writing
an amazing story for our life!
