I believe it is important and I'm all for it. I stamp the words "Your Story Matters" and "Tell Your Story" on cuffs and I enjoy books that emphasize living your story well and embracing it. Most days I wear my story proud, the not so pretty chapters and the great ones. Some bursting with joy and others overflowing with brokenness. Even where I don't see explanations, I DO see glimpses of where God has brought me out the other side.
But there are the days... the days that I despise my story. Not all of it but certainly chapters and parts. The parts that make me fragile and make certain situations painful and heartbreaking.
When suddenly I find myself in a new chapter, one that has familiarity yet still cuts like it did the first time. I want more than anything to be reading different words on the page, not because the words are bad, but because the words hurt and I don't want them to hurt anymore.
It's times like this that living out your story doesn't feel very heroic or great, rather frustrating and painful.
When suddenly I find myself in a new chapter, one that has familiarity yet still cuts like it did the first time. I want more than anything to be reading different words on the page, not because the words are bad, but because the words hurt and I don't want them to hurt anymore.
It's times like this that living out your story doesn't feel very heroic or great, rather frustrating and painful.
If only I could skip a few pages ahead, get a little insight maybe it would hurt less... Or would it? Would a reason or an end in sight help? The me that wants to take the easy road says YES. The bratty little kid in me that gets tired of character building and growth wants to scream out and skip past these chapters.
Maybe the best way to survive these 'less than pretty chapters' is to just BE.
Be real and honest, while surrounding myself with friends who hug extra long because they know there are no words, pray and then pray some more.
Be okay to come "To the end of myself" at the foot of the cross. It seems every time I return to this place (frequent as it may be) my senses are heightened. I appreciate the big trees and the clean cold air when I step out my backdoor to simply take out the garbage. I hear a song on the radio that is so familiar but this time it brings me to tears and moves my heart like never before.
When I find myself in this place I am overcome with more gratitude than when life is coasting along. I remember the sweet chapter a few pages back where I was blessed to go to Guatemala and the chapter after that where we moved to this little piece of heaven. So many glorious chapters tucked on all sides of the painful ones, the nagging familiar ones and those that sneak up out of nowhere taking me by surprise.
So why is it that we try so hard to figure out the lesson that must come from the hurt or put a positive spin on it? Could it be because we want to be better grounded or a little more resilient than we actually are?
Can't we just be okay to not be okay sometimes? To embrace blessing and life and joy and sweetness, yet fully admit that we are broken and hurting.
I believe God is big enough to understand this dichotomy inside me. The utter and complete gratitude I have for all he has blessed me with but also an ache and a hole in my heart that goes unfulfilled.
The unknown and silence.
He understands (and that is good because I don't) that in this heart sits both, gratitude and pain. Love and hate for my story. It is not finished. The story goes on and with that there will be more glorious mind blowing chapters and there will be some where the pages have a few tear stains.
Either way, it is my story, and I choose to be present through all chapters whether pretty or messy.
May you find hope with whatever chapter you find yourself in today.
Thank you for reading friends.
The unknown and silence.
He understands (and that is good because I don't) that in this heart sits both, gratitude and pain. Love and hate for my story. It is not finished. The story goes on and with that there will be more glorious mind blowing chapters and there will be some where the pages have a few tear stains.
Either way, it is my story, and I choose to be present through all chapters whether pretty or messy.
May you find hope with whatever chapter you find yourself in today.
Thank you for reading friends.
