Three good things

Have you ever noticed how it's so easy to pick on the ones we love the most more often than anyone else? 

Why is that? 

Maybe it's because we feel comfortable around them, or maybe just because we give our best to everyone else all day and when we finally see our spouse at the end of the day we are empty, spent, and mind mushed.

We point out each others' shortcomings in discreet ways of sighing as we pick up the shoes and toss them in the other room. Or mumble under our breathe as we follow behind them wiping up their messes. It is all very justifiable that we are both exhausted and tired from the long days of work and heat. Commitments take priority and quality time together takes the back seat. It's so easy to fill our short time together in the evenings with facts and information. And realistically that is all we usually have time for. 

It doesn't take long to look up from the busyness and see that we are on a crazy cycle. A little term we learned from a marriage class a long time ago... it goes like this, and in no particular order.

'He feels disrespected, he is unloving, she feels unloved, she is disrespectful.' 

I would add to that cycle from our own experience,

'she feels attacked so she attacks, he feels attacked so he attacks'. 

And that is "the crazy cycle"! Round and round we can go with the finger pointing, attacking and feeling justified. Realizing you're on the crazy cycle is the easy part, it's getting off that's more challenging. So how do you do it? Simple (just not easy)... Stop, swallow our pride and be nice!

It's amazing how just being nice can break the crazy cycle and start a whole new one... a healthy cycle. If he feels respected and admired, he is loving, and if she feels loved then she is respectful. Like so many things in life, sometimes we have to make a choice before we actually 'feel' like it and then once we choose the right thing our feelings catch up. It isn't about who makes the first move toward getting off that cycle, all that matters is that we get off it. 

So, what if I made a point to find three positive things that I appreciate and admire about him throughout the day and then communicated them? 

We are currently working on this and a lot of days it isn't on the forefront of my mind. With keeping up a house and taking care of a little boy and appointments and... well, all those things demand my attention and the best of me. But if I can remember throughout the day that I am more than a Mom and a maid... I AM a wife to an amazing man! 

It's not about flattery, or trying to come up with those three things but rather about nudging my heart and reminding me of all that I love about my husband. When I am purposefully looking for the positive about him, I am less critical of the negative.

When life is full and busy our patience grows thin. Sometimes the best choice is to say no to BBQ's and parties and just be together as a family. To give the best of myself to the one I love the most. Words of affirmation, time spent together and peace and quiet.... oh, how it can revive the weary soul! 

(If you are married, can you find and say three things you appreciate and admire about your spouse every day for a week? It's not about getting something in return, but watching our hearts change and grow more in love. I'm on this journey with you, will you join me?) 

Just call me Friend

I was a freshman in high school when I made my first 'Best Friend'. I remember it well, we would sit on her bed and giggle about which boy we liked, lay out in the sun on her paved driveway spraying Sun-In in our hair to try and get blonde highlights. We would even bring clothes to school for the other, changing in the bathroom before the bell rang. It didn't take me long to see that I wasn't the only friend. She had another close friend, one that had been her friend since grade school. We all got along and had fun, but the reality is, three is a crowd and we were competing for the 'best friend' status.  

I was reflecting on this after hearing the term best friend used recently between grownup friends and wondering why it struck such a nerve in me. Or rather, why I felt hurt when I heard the words so possessively used in a friendship that I too am a part of... but not the BEST friend. 


I have had very close friends in the past, friendships that honestly, were pretty exclusive. It feels wonderful to sit and talk to a girlfriend and be totally and completely understood and 'got'. Someone close enough to finish your sentences or just sit quietly when all you can do is cry. A friend that knows your heart and cares for your best interest enough to speak truth into the dark places. I believe those are truly gifts, and if we are lucky enough to experience one of those friendships in this life we can consider ourselves blessed. 

If we experience and establish such a friendship, shouldn't it last forever and never change? I have struggled with this over the years and fought hard to keep some relationships exactly the same. Frozen in time. I believe though that sometimes they are just meant for a season. And that is not a cop out or an excuse to sign people off or move on (words to myself). Life changes, people move, and things can't stay the same forever. I believe that each of these friends have been placed in my life by God for specific trials I was going through, and without them there to shoulder the pain I wouldn't be who I am today. Each of them at different times in my life and each unique from the others. I know I labeled some of them as best friends over the years and I look back now and question why that was necessary. 

Why is it so important to us to have a best friend? And what if we don't? I look at the pressure it puts on one particular person.

Friendships are hard, I would say more difficult than marriage. We long for them, are hurt by them yet need them so very much in our lives. I am no expert on this. Heck, I've failed many times and often I want to throw my hands up in frustration. 

Some days I feel as if I live in a cave and if I never came out no would care. (I know that's crazy, but let's be honest here...we've probably all felt similar) You know, those days where everywhere you look you see BFF's having picnics at the park together or cute selfies on Facebook. Us girls are funny and I curse my womanhood most days when I hear myself vent to my husband. We are ridiculous, really! 

The lies that keep us isolated tell us that she doesn't need our gifts or our kind words if she already has a friend. Or if we don't have a BFF we have somehow fallen short. 

That is just silly and I know we can all agree, but when our feelings are hurt it's hard to be logical. I know I need a few close friends in my life, each one bringing something different and valuable to the relationship. As much as my selfish humanness thinks a secure exclusive friendship would be easier, I know the truth. It is never what it seems when you look through the filter of social media at the shopping trips and play dates. 

In my wrestling and struggling through this recently I glanced at my fridge where I saw a magnet given to me by a dear friend. It reads, "Two are better than one... if one falls down, his friend can help him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 
I am reminded and encouraged that we do need each other, whether we are someone's best friend or not. We can always encourage and cheer on another girlfriend. 

May I never compare or underestimate where God currently has me with my friendships and who he has in my life. I haven't always been, but I will be content to just be your Friend without the 'best' status. 

(Who can you reach out to or encourage today, even if you think they don't need it. They may not be as secure in their friendships as you think.)