Thoughts and ideas swarm in my head, I'm almost asleep. I tell myself I should really get up and write these things down, but instead I drift off to sleep, convinced I will write something tomorrow.
But I don't.
I lack the faith to allow them out of my head and onto paper. Why? Because I believe they are nonsense, maybe a bit too emotional and will lead nowhere.
I struggle to write the words not because I have nothing to say but because it requires something from me. It requires me to look within, it requires honesty, and demands that I find some resolve. It is a step of faith that God will meet me and bring clarity to my jumbled words.
A weary soul whispers in my ear, "there is nothing left to say on this topic of pain."
And so it is no surprise that I haven't posted in almost 2 months. I have allowed my lack of healing to determine when I write. Instead I blame it on busy schedules and feel justified in my reasoning. To say I'm too busy to write is like saying I'm too busy to breathe. It is my life line, the way I sort out my feelings.
I sit silently waiting for a new topic, new words. To talk about something different. I wait for a little more contentment and peace with this life I have been given.
Silence.
Resolve does not find me when I am silent. The words don't make sense in my head.
And so I miss what He wants to speak to me. He has little tidbits of clarity and contentment, even hope to share with me.
When I ignore the thoughts He plants in my head and believe no complete story can be made from the nonsense I am only denying myself the fulfillment that comes.
Will I take that step of Faith?
Open up my hands and trust that He will never grow weary of hearing my heart. (Broken as it may be.)
Take that step of obedience even if it means getting up and writing those words down in the middle of the night.
Believe that he can shed new light on an old burden.
And mostly, Listen expectantly.
Will I trust that He knows what He is doing and can make something beautiful with my doubt and disbelief?
Will I trust God with His words?
