A Different Mountain Top

There have been seasons in my life that have felt much like a mountain top experience. One major time is right after we adopted Rogan, I was tired of my unhealthy way of eating, so Mike and I made some drastic changes to our lifestyle. We began to experience a new way of life together by eating healthy and running. I saw results both physically and mentally from pushing myself hard, gaining sore muscles and a smaller jean size. It felt good, I felt victorious.

And so when I started thinking about my 40th birthday 6 months ago and deciding what I wanted to do to make my birthday memorable and special I immediately thought I should sign up for a race and start running again.

It was the thing that worked for a season in my life and I expected it to recapture that satisfaction... that mountain top experience.

The problem is, it's not what I needed or what direction my life was going. Instead I was experiencing extreme fatigue, depression and feelings of despair. Every time I would try and push myself to go for a run I would spend days recovering and feel even worse.

I started seeing doctors and asking questions, and learned what I really needed was rest and a new way of self care. Rather than pushing harder I was learning (and accepting) that Yoga and walks gave me the exercise I needed without hurting my body and causing stress. I started taking supplements to replenish areas I was extremely deficient in and focusing on eating the right foods to give me energy. I found the importance in setting aside time for rest after a busy weekend though is seems like a minor change it is just the grace I needed to extend to myself.  

So when 40 approached I got sucked in to my old habits momentarily and what this world says I should do. For just a moment I thought, "Oh, I wish I was feeling like a rock star in those jeans or conquering a really hard race (heck, any race). Or maybe I should go get a facial or a new hairstyle to feel younger." But instead, I caught myself and recognized that old way of thinking, the way that leaves me exhausted and never satisfied.


Listening to my body, taking time and being a little more gentle with myself. Being okay to let people down and say no. Admitting that I am weak and I need time to rest.

This is where I am currently and though it's not very glamorous or shiny it is what I'm Choosing.

These things are what have been leading up to this big day... this monumental birthday. 

Most days it doesn't feel victorious or wonderful. But this is what makes me glad for a new decade before me, this is what drives me. Learning to be still and rest is not the same as doing nothing. It is focusing on the best things. It is being available when someone is in need, taking the time to sit and listen to my 94 year old Grandpa's stories and making a meal for a friend. Listening to what God is asking of me and knowing that it IS enough.

The past ten years consisted of some of the greatest blessing I could ask for as well as some of the greatest disappointment and heartache. I look back and realize I spent all of my thirties trying to get pregnant... that's a long time! So much surrender, hoping, trying, striving and disappointment. And though, I'm by no means saying I'm at complete peace with it all or giving up on the dream of having more kids I can say that I am ready to face these next ten years with new perspective.

Forty doesn't look like I had always imagined or what the world says it should be. And truly that doesn't matter. My "top of the mountain" experience is simply one of rest, stillness and letting my body heal. It's a process of learning to leave behind the trying, striving and proving. 

I am okay to be here, right here at this place welcoming the year ahead of me. 

May I be obedient to where God is calling me whether it be on a mountain top or in a valley. 

When It's Enough

I am back, here at this space and I'm actually writing! It feels a little awkward and a bit like I took a couple steps back. Maybe not to you, my readers and friends. But to me it does because I had big plans at the first of the year to challenge myself and grow with both my writing and my small business.

I jumped in with both feet and bought a domain name for Leather Creations and this blog. I started the process of switching over to Word Press and looked into building a website for my small business. Both seemed simple enough for my lack of computer skills but I quickly found that it wasn't so simple. About the same time I was also presented with the opportunity to write for a Mom's blog. I felt God was leading all of this and as terrified as I was to accept the offer I said yes with butterflies in my stomach and my hands shaking. As I remained stumped on my personal blog I soaked up new information and wrote monthly posts for the Mom's blog.

The truth is, I bit off more than I could chew and while part of my life was moving forward and I was growing, another part of me was frustrated that everything else was at a stand still. 

My first response is to just try harder, press on and conquer. It's in my DNA but it's also our culture. I do things out of my comfort zone because they help me grow and they are good for me. Yet there is a fine line between a nudge that motivates and simply doing too much.

I spent countless nights laying awake in bed with a nagging in my gut, thinking about all the plates I had spinning. Feeling as if maybe I just needed to try harder, like I wasn't doing enough. That feeling of not doing enough doesn't mean the lack of activity, no, quite the opposite. I see the warning signs when all the activity starts piling up, nothing I do feels good enough and I literally feel like someone is choking me.

This overdo it way of living is no stranger to me. I've been here before, I've overbooked, I've burnt out and I've stepped down from good things, very good things. Just because they are good things, doesn't mean they are the best and the best for this particular time in my life. 

But there's a lie that keeps me stuck in the place of striving. It whispers in my ear that if I step down I have somehow failed or maybe it was a mistake to say yes in the first place. Letting something go is sometimes harder than saying yes to it in the first place.

I believe that it isn't God who is pushing me to do more because guilt and shame aren't His language. Instead His words remind me that my worth is not measured in what I do and stepping away from a commitment doesn't reflect failure.

These last 10 months have not been wasted. I have learned so many things and when I'm accepting God's grace I can see that and relax.

Instead of trying harder and doing more, I am choosing to recognize the things I am doing, do them well and remind myself that it is enough. 

It's a season of learning to rest while actively living the life I'm called to. May you too find freedom in letting go of the things that aren't the best and embracing where God is calling you. 

It really is enough. Because He is Enough. 

The Richness of Guatemala

I have been home from Guatemala for more than a month now. I can't believe it has been that long already as so many memories are still fresh in my head and close to my heart.  

It was truly a blessed trip and I am so grateful that I was given the the opportunity to go back for a second visit. There were a lot of unknowns and mystery with the first trip, this time it felt familiar, more like I was visiting family and friends.  The word that keeps coming to mind is “Rich”. 

The relationships were rich as I got to know the girls I roomed with. We laughed over silly things, screamed about spiders hiding on the wall of our room, processed the days emotions together and shared our testimonies with one another. We cried, giggled, and got real within the first hours of our trip. Just the relationships that were formed there in that room would be enough to satisfy the connection I was looking for, but there was more. 




I felt an immediate re connection with Bob, Shirley, Juan Carlos and Elizabeth (the full time missionaries that live in Guatemala.) Shirley and I share similar food sensitives and she blessed me by catering to my dietary needs, it's always nice to talk with someone who understands food issues and more so while in another country. 


At San Lucas school I painted nails and made beaded bracelets with the high school aged girls. We sat on the tile floor and used hand signs to communicate since most of the time we didn't have a translator right there.

We had such a sweet special time together and I believe that some of those connections and friendships will continue with the years. 

I have thought a lot about what God wanted me to learn from this trip. As I have prayed and asked Him to show me this one word keeps coming to mind. 

Relationships. 

It seems too simple. 

Yet, God calls us to make them a priority in our life and relationships are for eternity. So why wouldn't this be important to take away and savor from my recent trip? 

Brand new relationships, long time relationships that were rekindled and long distance relationships that will grow slowly over time. 

My hope is that I can prioritize these relationships and bring a part of the richness of Guatemala into my everyday life. In the midst of schedules, sickness, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, deadlines and all life entails, may I not forget what is really important. 

For the richness and the relationships I am truly thankful and clinging to. 

Thank you again friends for your support, prayers and encouragement. 

When God Answers

Two years ago I had the opportunity to go to Guatemala with my church on a mission trip. My eyes were opened in so many ways, my heart broke for things I saw and my heart overflowed with the love I experienced both from the people and from God speaking directly to me. Here is a blog post I wrote while still in Guatemala and how I felt God pour His love out to encourage me. 

. . .

Well, I've thought much about this post as the week has progressed, anticipating what God would speak to me and put on my heart to write. I knew no matter what, I would have pictures of this beautiful country and adorable kids. But I was praying for something really great, something that would be undoubtedly post material.

Tuesday that very thing happened! It was our second day at both schools so I felt just a little more comfortable around the kids. At San Lucas school (where there are middle school and high school aged kids) I gave my testimony. As I've written before those moments that make my heart pound out of my chest and hands sweat are always so fulfilling to me, because those are the moments when I experience so much of God's power and strength. 

Yet that's not what it was that caused me to say, "now this is it". 

Later in the day we went back to Light of the World School and did a craft with the moms. One of the ladies on our team shared her testimony which is similar to mine in that she too has dealt with infertility. After all the moms left we were sitting around with the teachers and sharing a little about ourselves (thanks to Elizabeth and Patty to translate which helped the language barrier). 

The Ladies from our team with the Teachers of the school. 

The first teacher that shared said her story was similar to the one shared earlier, she too had gone through years of "trying" and then because of God's grace she became pregnant. Her little boy is almost 7 years old. 

This is more significant than just the fact that I would naturally connect with this women because of her struggle. But another (very important) fact is that this lady is my sponsor child's Mom (who also happens to be one of the teachers at the school). 

The fact that God would care so much about me and my heart to connect me with this amazing woman through a sponsor child just blows me away!

Now, fast forward to Thursday. I had the opportunity to visit them in their home. Just being welcomed in and learning more about them was blessing enough. Knowing I shared a special connection with the Mom was an emotional moment on Tuesday and I held that close to my heart. During the visit I tried to put that aside and asked questions to learn more about them and their interests. I then asked how I could be praying for them specifically and the Dad responds. I wait intently to hear Juan Carlos translate it to English. And once again I am blown away by what I heard. 

His request- that God would bless them with another child because Samuel so badly wants a brother or sister.

As many of you know, this has also been a request of Rogans. So to be asked to pray specifically for this with my Guatemalan family brings me so much emotion. I am honored to pray for such a request. I then shared that we too are going through the same situation and they said they would also be praying for me and my family. 

I am connected to this beautiful family on a deeper level than I ever imagined. While I've experienced many amazing things this past week (and many you will hear about) I must say, this way God chose to speak to me and bless me brings me to my knees with nothing but gratitude. 

. . . 

Since my trip two years ago I have longed to return, prayed for my family so many miles away and corresponded briefly through letters. Then, we got the news... Aura was pregnant! God answered the very prayer I was praying. Why specifically answered prayers shock me, I don't know. He has been faithful so many times in our life and proves to continue to care for us. And still I am speechless when a prayer is answered like this one. 

With no shortage of complications and many more answered prayers through pregnancy Aura gave birth to a healthy baby girl last Spring. God walked alongside their family through so many obstacles and provided for every need. It has been a blessing and encouragement to be a part of their family and seeing a miracle come to pass in their life. 

So, you can only imagine that I am very excited to be returning to Guatemala the first of April. Surely my heart will burst as I hold that precious baby girl and the miracle that she is. 

I continue to walk by faith with our life, our request, our family. Because without a doubt God answers. Not always the way we plan. Not always in the time frame we imagine. 

Without fail, He answers. 

The Glamorous Life We Live

It's Monday. My week is planned. My grocery list is written out and I am ready for a fresh start. It all changes in a matter of minutes when Rogan wakes up late, running a fever and coughing. I make phone calls and cancel my day still hopeful for life to carry on like normal the rest of the week. One day turns into four and my life is now caring for my sick little boy. 

It's a privilege, really. I don't mind the nurturing, cuddling part of it. But, that's not the only thing out of the norm. There's also the fact that I am sick, Mike has an abscessed tooth, I'm treating the dog's eye several times a day and making weekly trips to the vet. Then there are the 3 am wake-ups where you jump out of bed to console a nightmare. And just in case that isn't enough to drive a girl to drink there are pee soaked sheets at 5 o' clock in the morning and a dog accident on the newly cleaned carpet. 

I don't say all this to complain. Rather to say, being a Mom is nothing glamorous or easy! 

It has got me thinking this week as I pace the floors in my kitchen because I don't feel good enough to accomplish anything but I can't watch another episode of My Little Pony, that there must be others feeling the same way. Surely I am not the only Mom that goes stir crazy after a few days of lock down and on the verge of a come-apart. (Okay, lets me real... not on the verge, but actually melting down!) 

As women we have one of the hardest jobs to support and care for others (whether they are good patients or not, or whether we feel good ourselves). 

We are afraid to talk about it in fear it sounds like complaining. We mop up pee and wipe snot from noses. We question whether we should've checked the temperature one last time before they fell asleep. We research and look for alternatives on how to help them feel better. We get special pink vitamin water because that is all they will drink when they are sick. We let them sleep in our bed and cough all over our pillow. 

I know I am not the only one that does this because friends, I hear the same stories from you. Whether you have one child or seven, whether you are a stay at home Mom or one that works outside the home you still sacrifice it all for your family, your kids, your husband. 

.  .  .

I sit in the patient room at the vet for the fourth time in a month. Shaking my head along with the vet in disbelief. Just a week prior our senior Boxer's cornea was all but healed and somehow he managed to re injure it, worse than before. This injury has been a lengthy one, and it means I treat his eye with drops 3-4 times a day. That doesn't seem like much but after 6 weeks of it, I'm ready for it to be healed. It's just one more thing to remember and do. 

Did I mention that our vet is amazing? She looked at me and said the most profound words. She said, "You have done everything right. You are doing a great job!" I could've just balled my eyes out because it really wasn't about the dog anymore, it was about the exhaustion and weight I was carrying from all that was undone.

Those words lingered as I drove home. They apply to how I take care of myself or lack there of, they apply to how I help my husband and how I care for my son. In the midst of temperature taking, laundry and cooking it is so easy to lose perspective and feel inadequate, overwhelmed. 


To each of you reading, whether you are a Mom, Daughter, Wife, Sister... 

You ARE doing a great job.

Most of what you do probably goes unnoticed. You do magnificent things even though they may not be glamorous or don't get praised. The selfless help you offer your ill parents, the hot meal you hand your husband when he walks in the door, the all-nighter you just pulled with a puking child... these are true hearts of a servant. 

I applaud you! Please be encouraged that the sun will shine again and the chaos will subside. 

(Update: by the end of the day, my shoulders carried less burden. Rogan was feeling better, Mike got some pain relief and the dog, well he is still a pain in my butt! It's amazing though how my perspective can change in a day.)

Is It Real?

        "Satisfy all my longings and fill all my hollow places with your love." 

Out of context it may sound strange but this is a sentence from a prayer I (try to) pray every morning, asking God to fill the discontentment in me, something I seem to struggle with often. 

I think it's in all human beings. The belief that we will finally be satisfied when we find the perfect spouse or job, when we buy a house, become pregnant, vacation someplace tropical, the list could go on with all the things that we think will finally settle us. That which will make us happy. I know that none of these things will ever truly fill that void in my heart, although they can bring some joy to my life. I believe we can and should ask God specifically for the things we desire, and sometimes He answers those prayers specifically. But, sometimes He doesn't. That is a fact. What if years of prayers go unanswered? Does this mean that we can never really be at peace or experience joy in our life? 

Several years into our infertility journey I began to ask that God would take away the desire for me to become pregnant if it wasn't in His will. My heart cry changed from one of request to one of "please just give me a peace." A contentment that comes despite circumstances changing can't be explained or forced. I had tried so many times to surrender and do the right thing, yet the emptiness remained. 


I stepped up to the microphone at church on Thanksgiving Sunday. My hands were sweating and I was shaking straight through my body. I knew I had to share because my heart started to pound out of my chest sitting in my chair. God had changed something in my heart just months prior, the miracle of contentment and peace. I said, "We have prayed for over 10 years for something and He has not answered that prayer, I have also asked for Him to give me a peace regardless of His answer. For years I have prayed this way and today I can say that I am thankful because I feel a true contentment and at peace with this journey He has us on. I am okay with His answer, after all these years I can finally say it's okay." 



Anyone who has faithfully waited for something for years knows that a peace that passes all understanding is just as refreshing as the wish coming true. To be able to look at the day ahead of me and feel hope and excitement is nothing that can be achieved in a formula. Making a choice of surrender regardless of how I feel is something I strive for. But sometimes it takes awhile for the feelings to catch up to my choice. I don't always feel great after doing the right thing. It's in those times that I am reminded that peace also comes in His perfect timing.  

I kept quiet with this new found contentment afraid to share it with anyone until that Sunday morning in church. In my pessimistic thinking I just knew that as soon as I admitted peace I would get hit with the baby blues. And guess what? I did. For some reason Christmas has a way of bringing up so much emotion. Grieving the loss of pregnancy is still fresh and being surrounded by pregnant friends and those planning for it has a way of slowly distracting me. The blues crept back in so subtle and before I knew it the ugliness of discontentment was making its home in my heart. 

The peace wasn't real... I knew it! 

"So do not through away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I am familiar with this verse but something stood out very different to me when I opened up my Bible and embraced God's truth concerning my recent struggle. There is a wonderful true peace only He can give and 

It Is Real!  

It's so easy to get wrapped up in my selfish desires, entitlement, bad attitude, laziness and pride. All of those things push me further from God and before I know it I'm on a downward spiral of comparing and chasing cheap replacements. 

"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

He gives peace, freely. He does not take it away or trick me. So maybe in those times I feel burdened with the void and wrestling with my discontent I should look first at where I'm turning for fulfillment. The truth is there waiting for me, the question is, will I listen for it. And so I will continue to embrace the peace He has given me. I know everyday won't feel good, but the truth remains... He is faithful to give me all I need. 

May we each find encouragement on the path we are on, whether prayers are answered the way we had hoped or whether we are being called to wait. Either way, He can and will give you a peace and the grace it takes to endure. He just asks that we draw close to Him, because on our own we are empty and discontent.