A Room in My Heart

Part 1 of the rest of my life!

I say "the rest of my life" because since I wrote "Part 1" I have taken many more steps and believe I will forever be taking steps in this area of my life.

Here is something I wrote for a women's retreat way back in 2006. I was asked to give part of my testimony and this is what I shared.... 

Over the last several months God has been working on me in an area of my life that I thought was just how I was...part of my personality. That area being my self-esteem. I have always had a low self esteem and been very critical of myself, how I look, my abilities, etc. I never really looked at this as being a problem, at least I wasn't hurting anybody else, and wasn't being full of myself and conceited, right?

About six months ago I set out to do a nutrition plan. I was determined to not fall into another diet trap where I lose 10 lbs to just gain it right back again all the while feeling like I failed AGAIN! I really wanted to make a lifestyle change and not continue to let this control me for the rest of my life. 

I quickly realized this venture was no different than those in the past and by not calling it a "diet" I wasn't exempt from getting sucked in to the diet game. 

Can anyone relate to this thing I call the diet game?  The obsession over every calorie, weighing myself compulsively, and feeling I failed if I didn't lose those pounds each week. (I believe there are times when a set program is good to follow for weight management. Yet what I was facing was different.)

One morning I realized this was an area in my life that I had never asked God for help in. Huh, I wonder why?

As I thought about that I had to ask myself, why was it that I was leaving God out of this one room in my heart?

It became very clear to me how much of a barrier this had become. Every time I was obsessing over my jean size, the number on the scale or how I looked in the mirror, I was making it all about ME, leaving no place for God to work. 

I prayed and invited God into this room...it was really hard to let go of because I knew He was going to go in and clean up and that is usually painful! But I was ready I didn't want to be in bondage to this any longer than I already had been.

The biggest thing He showed me in this process was His unconditional love for me. My low self esteem and poor self image was just the symptom to a much bigger deeper problem.

I was still trying to be a better person, earn acceptance, try harder. The last few years have brought so much growth with getting involved in a great church and receiving healing through counseling and classes. I've learned in a whole new light of God’s love and acceptance...I realized though the way I was acting was not living like I believed it.

I once was a caterpillar and now God says I am a butterfly.

I heard the great news, and that’s really exciting! Yet, I just got right back on the ground and crawl like a worm. Believing the lie that I'm not lovable and good enough if I don't look a certain way. 

I was hurting others because I was staying stuck, stuck on myself. My low self esteem was getting in the way of what God wanted to do in me and hindering all the ways He could use me in others' lives. It became very clear to me how harmful this vanity was and that it wasn't the cute little innocent thing that it had always seemed to me...”Oh, I have low self-esteem”.




I read back over this (and yes, edited it a bit too) and I'm reminded of where it all started. Seven years ago I invited God into that room and guess what? 

He's still cleaning it out, remodeling it, putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls. I don't claim to have any of this figured out. As many of you who know me well know I still struggle and have taken many more steps since this testimony all those years ago. Some of those steps forward and some back. I believe as long as I keep that door propped open with a willing heart admitting I don't have it mastered that my Loving Father will do a great work in this area of my life! 

I'm sure there will be many more posts about this journey, sharing with you the many other steps forward and back.

Thanks for reading! 

What amazed me about Christ today

I recently got a new book for my morning devotionals. It is from the personal reflection series by Beth Moore. If you are familiar with Beth Moore's studies you know they are in depth and amazing. The personal reflection series is a little less involved and doable for me while I drink my coffee in the morning.

I'm only a couple days into the book "John" from the series. This is one of her questions to consider for today.
When was the last time Christ amazed you? How did it come about? What did it change about your or someone else's circumstances? 

I was struggling a bit this morning as I thought about how to honestly answer that question. Have I really been paying attention to ways God is working or amazing me? The Fall season is a given. This is always the time of year I feel most renewed and refreshed. I see and enjoy God's handiwork everywhere and appreciate it so. But for some reason that just wasn't enough for me to fully answer the question. I felt more burdened and hitting a road block with the answer.

A big distraction looming over my head was a burden of loneliness and isolation of plain ol' exhaustion. Sometimes I give of myself as a wife, mother, friend, mentor, leader, neighbor and am just left feeling invisible. I know that no one person purposely tries to be unappreciative, I think that in our very busy lives and worlds it is very easy to overlook people and show genuine appreciation. (I myself am guilty of this and probably do it without knowing.) So this is what was heavy on my heart this morning as I sat in my quiet house with my coffee. Praying and asking God to fill me and encourage me and for Him to be my portion and fill my longings.

I finished my reading and questions and began my day. Rogan and I finished a craft project that was a birthday gift. After it was all done I took his picture with it and sent it to my friend who gifted it to him.

And then here's where God shows up...

She replied back with this text,  "You guys are such a blessing to me and my family! Here we were sitting around the table praying and waiting to hear on my husband's uncle because hey had to take him back into surgery this morning. And I get a text from you at the perfect time for the second time this week! God is so good and knows me all too well. Thank you!" 

Now if that doesn't encourage a burdened lonely heart then I don't know what will. Friends have told me thank you this week and showed their appreciation. But there was just something about this text that spoke the words I needed. It was plain as day that the things I'm doing DO matter and God IS using me to encourage and help people. 

It really doesn't matter what the words are or who they are from. What matters is I saw a glimpse of God saying "well done my child". 

That is enough to keep me going even if I am spiritually exhausted and tired. So back to Beth's question...

What amazed me about Christ today? 

How He used me to encourage someone despite my discouragement and in turn encouraged my heart with the very words of appreciation I needed to hear. True authentic words from a friend. And the Fall beauty, well that's just the icing on the top! 

Pain that grips the heart

Sometimes I think there is a direct line from my heart to my uterus...

I should probably start with a disclaimer. This post is real, raw and full of emotion. If you have faced or are facing infertility you will get it. If not, hopefully it helps bring some understanding.
However pain is pain, and whatever you are facing, I hope you can relate.

It really shouldn't surprise me that I've been hit with the emotions of a broken heart all over again. After celebrating Rogan's 4th Birthday and having a week full of fun it would be like the enemy to sneak in and attempt to sucker punch me in the most sensitive area of my life. We have received  tremendous blessing through adopting Rogan and he brings such fulfillment and joy to our life, I am truly grateful! Yet the pain of not becoming pregnant doesn't magically disappear.

"Time" does not heal all wounds. While God's grace has removed the despair from my heart, the pain is still there.

My gut wrenches and knots, stabbing pain in my body. I can handle a lot of physical pain but when it reaches up and grips my heart it's a little harder to power through. My heart actually hurts and the tears start welling in my eyes. What is wrong with me! I thought I was past this, I haven't felt this kind of heartache in awhile. Mike pulls me close and says, "It's ok, I know your heart hurts, I watched you notice that newborn baby and I'm so sorry."

I let the tears fall and I don't even know why I'm crying. 

Usually I can put my finger on it, what IT was that broke my heart....

The news of someone becoming pregnant, a brand new baby, a pregnant belly. I am happy for those experiencing the joy of new life or a positive pregnancy test but it's also those moments that remind me of how my body has failed me. I'm reminded that I have never looked at a pregnancy test to find a positive result, I have never experienced morning sickness, I have never watched my stomach morph and change to a beautiful round belly, I have never felt a baby kick or flip inside my tummy or watched an ultra sound with new life. All the things I have longed for and dreamed of.

I feel like these things are pretty simple, and commonly experienced by women. I listen to other women's conversations as they take these things for granted. I can't really blame them, they don't know what it's like to NOT experience them, it's normal to them, like grocery shopping is to me.

But why this time? What is my problem today. I reflect back over the week and the conversations I had, I see where infertility is always scattered into every part of my life whether I verbalize it or not. Yet, I still don't have the answer I want. The explanation to why I'm so fragile.

There were many years when these raw emotions were on my sleeve frequently. I was in tears weekly over something that triggered the heart break and the emptiness. With those days fewer and further between I can easily pride myself for being put together and at some kind of resolve for this mystery of conception and my body.

Honestly, I want that. I want to be OKAY! I want to be able to smile and graciously say I'm content and happy and life is good. Most days I can say this.

I think it's also okay to say, I don't understand. This doesn't make sense. Babies still tug on my heart strings. Pregnant bellies still make my heart sink a little. I don't have it figured out. It's okay to cry for no reason. And it's very much okay to eat three mini cupcakes and wash them down with an americano and wear stretchy pants!

I have believed the lie frequently that there is something wrong with me, cried out to God that He gave me a defective body. I know HE didn't mess up when knitting my body together, and I know He has a plan for my life.

I also know my God is a big enough God to listen to my confusion and hurts. I don't have a pretty little bow to wrap this up. What I DO have is Hope because God loves me and will hold my broken heart. 

We sang this song at church yesterday which is a familiar one to me, yet it can speak to my heart over and over again. 

My hope is You, show me Your ways

Guide me in truth in all my days

My hope is You

I am, O Lord, filled with Your love

You are, O God, my salvation

Guard my life and rescue me

My broken spirit shouts

My mended heart cries out

my hope is you...

(Third Day- My hope is in you) 

And then, today I stumbled across this verse, it was already underlined in my Bible so clearly this isn't the first time I liked it.

Romans 15:13 - I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I pray this in my life that I can live fully experiencing all God has for me. I also pray this for you, as you face whatever pain grips your heart may you also experience His confident hope.

Thank you for reading. 

Four years ago I became a Mama!

Happy Birthday to Rogan!

How has it been four years already? 

I remember standing in line when he was just months old, I had him all bundled up in his car seat in the stroller, he was sleeping, I was relaxed smiling. Another Mom with two little toddlers said to me, "soak up every minute of this, because once you have more it will never be the same, there's just something special about a brand new baby". I heard similar words everywhere I went... "cherish every moment because it goes so fast". Every time I answered the same, " oh trust me, I am! I've waited along time for this and I'm loving it"! 

I was in a Bible study and a friend came up and gave me a hug, my shoulder was wet with spit up. She said, "Oh I remember those days, I hated being covered in spit up all the time." I replied, "I absolutely love it!" 

Ya, I know I'm just a little crazy. But there's just something different about me, maybe it's the lens I view these things through, the lens of pain from an empty womb. 

Spit up, poopy diapers, snotty noses...bring it on! I'll take every bit of it! 

I no longer have the dirty diapers or spit up to deal with...(tear), he is growing way too fast before my very eyes. Don't get me wrong, it's not all puppies and rainbows all the time, I do have my frustrating days. But I pray I've never taken any of this motherhood for granted. He truly has blessed our lives more than I can ever put into words, but I will try and recap what we experienced four years ago today...

From this journal are words I have written and will continue to write to Rogan about the day he was born, funny things he's said, and other adventures. 

10/9/09

We load up the car with diaper bags, portable crib, formula, bottles, all the necessary baby things, and we drive to Vancouver. The birth mama is 9 days past her due date and this is the scheduled day to induce. Our case worker told us not to rush up there, because most likely it would be an entire day of waiting. 

We were there by 9 am! Ooops...

I remember trying to be calm and relaxed but I think it was pretty much impossible! Most moms are a little distracted and preoccupied on the day their child is born. Me, I was eating Burgerville for breakfast, checking into a hotel and wandering around Walmart to kill time. We became quite familiar with the hospital waiting room, we watched countless families come and go. Some waddling in, and others being checked out to head home with their bundle of joy. I will say, there isn't a magazine you can read to keep you entertained for 12 hours while there is a girl in the room down the hall giving birth to a baby that will be our son. 

Here is what I wrote on the day he was born, 

"Oh, sweet baby, we met you today! You are so precious! Your birth mom handed you to me with tears in her eyes, showing gratitude to us. I've never felt more blessed. You were born at 9:36 pm weighing 7lbs 4oz. I'm so rummy and tired already that I heard the nurses say you were 55" long and I didn't think a thing of it...you were really 19 1/2" long." 

We were bustled off to the infant ICU, where he was given his first bath and looked over by the nurses. He was perfectly healthy but because the adoption wasn't final he had to be kept in a lock down facility. We stayed there with Rogan hooked up to monitors (ICU protocol), taking turns sleeping on the one little bench while the other one went back to the hotel room to shower, eat and catch a couple hours of sleep.

10/13/09 
Finally paper work had gone through and we were released from the hospital. Of course, this all took place on a holiday weekend so everything was delayed. It still seems crazy that we were so excited to take a newborn "home" to a hotel, where we would be until a judge signed off on more paper work so we could cross the border into Oregon. We weren't able to have any visitors for the five days we were in the hospital, so you can imagine we were pretty happy to show him off to our family and friends at the hotel. 

We spent a couple more days hotel living, but that seemed like a piece of cake because we didn't have nurses coming in and out every couple hours, we had a TV, a bed, and most importantly we were all together! 

Through all the years of heartache I never imagined this would be what God was planning for us. It certainly doesn't make the pain and the scars of infertility go away. They remain to this day and I still get hit with the heartache of not becoming pregnant. But one thing I know for sure is God blessed Mike and I more than we deserve with a happy healthy baby who is growing into a fine little boy!

May I never forget how much God cares about me and our family!

Now, I'm off for a date day with my lil man! Thanks for reading :) 

Expectations

I can be going along fine with relationships in my life and then my crazy dreaming brain has to go and think something up. You know, that very thing that would speak to your heart and encourage you? And when the person doesn't read your mind you’re disappointed.

I recently had this happen with my husband. Now, let me just stop and say, I have his permission to be sharing this and we are laughing about the situation now. But last week it wasn't so funny...

I got it in my head that I just "had" to have this pair of rubber boots, I'd been eyeing them for some time but the forecast for an especially stormy weekend made me really want them. I was in town one day and decided for $20 I better just get them, but they didn't have my size. That night I told my husband and said "if you ever want to get me a present this is a great idea, hint hint". 

A little back history, we have had multiple conversations that gifts is one of my love languages, he knows this and strives to speak to me that way. Although if any of you know about love languages they can be tricky because it is difficult to speak a language different than how you're equipped. So for him, buying a little insignificant gift doesn't say "I love you and I care about you"  the same way it does to me. 

So a couple nights later there was some cash on the desk from a Leather Creation sale. He asked if he could take a twenty because he had ran out of spending money for the week. My heart hoped a bit and I thought maybe he is thinking of me.

I could have gone and bought them myself but as I've always said, "It is not about what IT is, it's the reason and the thoughtfulness behind it". 

My expectations weren't even to the forefront of my mind when he got home extra late because of terrible traffic. What was currently on my mind was the chicken taking forever to cook, the overcooked-soggy vegis and the burnt sweet potato fries. All the while Rogan is bouncing from one couch to the next dressed as Spider-man asking me to play with him and be his hero. Basically I had forgotten about the stupid boots by the time he walked in the door. Although, I responded with a much deeper disappointment and hurt when my exhausted husband showed annoyance with the flock of fruit flies hovering over the kitchen sink. I immediately flew into the unappreciated wife mode... "I cleaned the house, cooked dinner, organized the spare room, took the cat to the vet, made a pie, mowed the lawn, ran the dishwasher twice! Yet the minute you walk in the door you attack my abilities as a house wife to manage fruit flies!" I may not have said one word of that but I do know all that was running through my mind and I do know that my countenance changed, my tone, and expressions. Usually my feelings are written all over my face...unfortunately. 

It is much easier to jump to accusations that he doesn't appreciate all I do, but let's be honest here, the big issue is I came up with an idea, a sweet little gesture in my head and then when he didn't read my mind I was hurt. It is all so ridiculous spelled out on paper now. Isn't that just the way it is with most of our little disagreements with our loved ones?

Because my husband is determined not to let issues brew and fester he dug till he got the real issue out. After Rogan was in bed we talked and I felt pretty silly admitting that I had hoped for the boots and the real issue wasn't that I felt unappreciated as a mom and housewife. 

See, the problem with expectations is we miss what the person IS DOING, we put perimeters on what will bless us- the only way to reach us. With my focus (consciously or subconsciously) on the boots I forgot about the note he left me in the morning appreciating my hard work and the text he sent me during the day saying I was Super woman and most importantly, the grace he extended over the dried out, burnt, soggy dinner. I couldn't ask for a more loving, caring, listening husband. He is always willing to talk and hear my saga of a day even after he has worked ten hours and commuted three. God has blessed me with a great guy. Yet unmet expectations can quickly put me into a victim pity party mood.  I've done this plenty with God too when I pray and ask Him to fulfill a hearts desire. When it doesn't happen I feel forgotten and let down. 

So whether it be my husband, friends, family or God wouldn't it just be better to accept what it is they do, say, or give? I think I will forever struggle with expectations. But the sooner I can identify the problem and get off my butt from the pity party pit the less I will build a case against that person and the sooner I can accept their love and appreciation. I will continue with this journey and keeping my eyes peeled for those sneaky expectations!

{Yes, I got the boots as you can see from the picture. They had one in my size left, yay!}

Memories and Pictures

You know you have a lot of pictures on your phone when you don't even have enough space to download the latest updates available. My phone is the only thing I use to take pictures anymore, the digital camera seems like an antique even though it's just a few years old.

I pulled up my photo album on my phone and decided it's as good a time as any to start cleaning it out. I mean, who needs 1600 pictures on their phone? A couple pictures of your family in your wallet use to be sufficient. Nowadays if you want to see a picture of someones kids you have thousands to choose from in every stage of life. An added bonus on my phone is you can see what I made for dinner, my new running shoes or me in my face mask.
As I scrolled through my pictures from the last couple years I was overcome with much emotion. 

So many memories and life shared. Some great feelings of victories and others of failure. 

I look back and see pictures of Rogan with his round little cheeks, and short legs and  I realize how tall and boyish he has become. I smile at the memories of how excited we were to see those first steps and hear the first words. The day when he could fit into this dump truck seems like a life time ago...

He has changed so much in just the last six months, and I'm sure the next six will be no exception. 

Even though I have a lot of pictures of this little man on my phone I also have plenty of others that also remind me of great times. Date nights with my hubby, family trips, and cherished time with friends. With the good always comes the not so good. I'm also reminded of loss, hurt and times I will never get back.

I look back and wish I could be in as good of shape as I thought I wasn't in then. Please tell me I'm not alone in this? I regret to say that I often find myself looking at a picture to see how I look. (I could veer off on a rabbit trail here, but I'll save it for another day.) Along with all the above also comes grief and sadness from broken relationships. I would love to live in a world where you make a friend, a connection and it lasts forever. That we would share our hurt feelings and offenses rather than bottle them up and sign each other off (advice for myself). Yet the reality is we are broken hurting people that hurt each other. Or sometimes life just drifts us apart and what may have been a closeness in one season of our life just isn't the same as babies grow and life changes. I hold dear to my heart each season and trust that there was purpose in each one. Yet, sometimes looking back on these pictures can just make me sad. Can anyone relate? They are times we never get back. I find myself questioning if I really loved, forgave and extended grace like Jesus. Or was I too busy trying to be heard or understood? Was I so concerned about what I was eating or what kind of shape I was in that I missed the blessings all around me? It's so easy to get focused in on one thing, one goal I want to accomplish and miss out on everything else. Looking back in time it is much easier to see the reality of it all, to cut myself some slack and extend grace to others.

So here are just a few pictures that stood out to me as I backed up pictures and created space on my phone for updates.

The weekend of my first 1/2 marathon holds nothing but good memories for me. The bittersweet comes with knowing that I will never have a "first 1/2 marathon" again.

Although I trained hard and worked my butt off for that race I see now how I took for granted the privilege of running. After coming back very slowly from an injury currently I appreciate every mile I now run, taking none of it for granted.

A few more that hold great memories and seasons of life that will always be special to me.

If there was a lesson to be learned from any of this I would say it's appreciate every moment I'm in right now. To be grateful right now, today for everything even what may seem insignificant. 

Today I am happy and grateful for running 1.5 miles with my four legged running buddy and jammin' to "I love a rainy night" by Eddy Rabbit with Fall in the air! This is most definitely a moment I will look back on and cherish. So I chose not to ruin this beautiful moment by wishing I ran further or was faster, or skinnier.
And I will never ever quit taking a million silly pictures because sometimes I just need to look back and be reminded of all my blessings!

Take a deep breathe

This is such a big transition time for so many right now. Kids going back to school, ministries and fall kick off at church, routine and schedules starting after a Summer full of fun. 

For our family it's a little different. Summertime means crazy long hours for my husband at work (which won't be over for a few more months) and Rogan doesn't start preschool till next year. 

I find myself craving that change in season (well, Fall is my favorite). Mainly because summer and all its work wears me down. I get locked in to cooking, cleaning, getting the garbage out, laundry, grocery shopping, mowing...and the list could go on.

I often forget to just STOP and appreciate all the blessings I have.

So I took an opportunity to drive 400 miles to see my parents, sis and brother in law. 

Every time I make that trip there is one thing that I consistently  find, when I'm in the wide open I can't help but take a deep breathe. 

Life seemed to slow down a bit even though we had a schedule packed full of fun activities. I think it's just the disconnect from all that life demands. 

Rogan experienced a lot of "firsts". Funny how grandparents and aunts can bring that out.

First time on a ferris wheel...

 I didn't get a choice and was roped into this. I  barely moved once we got in the rocking seat that holds you 46 feet above the ground. Yikes! We survived and Dad and I both held our cookies. Rogan was a beaming giddy boy the whole time.  

He chewed gum for the first time. How do you explain that concept of not swallowing it? He somehow figured it out though. And was so serious about the new responsibility...

We went to two rodeos which meant he got to be a cowboy like Grandpa. 

There were a few other firsts such as a wheelbarrow ride by TT (Auntie Trin), and an improvising potty break for an almost four year old in a packed grandstand. Many great memories that only time spent together can provide. 

As I reflected during my drive home I realized how often I get locked in on one thing. That one thing can be anything and it's always changing. There is always something in my life I could justify being stressed out over. 

Once I look up and look out, farther than my eye can see I then feel the weight fall from my shoulders then being able to enjoy the simple things and enjoy time with others. 

This past weekend I was greatly blessed by so much but what blessed me the most was the TIME spent with family and the new experiences with my son. 

Now that I'm home and back to the grind, I will chose to remember this one thing. 

Take a deep breathe and look up. Whether I'm hanging clothes on the line or driving through the rolling hills of eastern Washington there is always reason to look outside the burden of  today and be grateful for where God has me.