Pain that grips the heart

Sometimes I think there is a direct line from my heart to my uterus...

I should probably start with a disclaimer. This post is real, raw and full of emotion. If you have faced or are facing infertility you will get it. If not, hopefully it helps bring some understanding.
However pain is pain, and whatever you are facing, I hope you can relate.

It really shouldn't surprise me that I've been hit with the emotions of a broken heart all over again. After celebrating Rogan's 4th Birthday and having a week full of fun it would be like the enemy to sneak in and attempt to sucker punch me in the most sensitive area of my life. We have received  tremendous blessing through adopting Rogan and he brings such fulfillment and joy to our life, I am truly grateful! Yet the pain of not becoming pregnant doesn't magically disappear.

"Time" does not heal all wounds. While God's grace has removed the despair from my heart, the pain is still there.

My gut wrenches and knots, stabbing pain in my body. I can handle a lot of physical pain but when it reaches up and grips my heart it's a little harder to power through. My heart actually hurts and the tears start welling in my eyes. What is wrong with me! I thought I was past this, I haven't felt this kind of heartache in awhile. Mike pulls me close and says, "It's ok, I know your heart hurts, I watched you notice that newborn baby and I'm so sorry."

I let the tears fall and I don't even know why I'm crying. 

Usually I can put my finger on it, what IT was that broke my heart....

The news of someone becoming pregnant, a brand new baby, a pregnant belly. I am happy for those experiencing the joy of new life or a positive pregnancy test but it's also those moments that remind me of how my body has failed me. I'm reminded that I have never looked at a pregnancy test to find a positive result, I have never experienced morning sickness, I have never watched my stomach morph and change to a beautiful round belly, I have never felt a baby kick or flip inside my tummy or watched an ultra sound with new life. All the things I have longed for and dreamed of.

I feel like these things are pretty simple, and commonly experienced by women. I listen to other women's conversations as they take these things for granted. I can't really blame them, they don't know what it's like to NOT experience them, it's normal to them, like grocery shopping is to me.

But why this time? What is my problem today. I reflect back over the week and the conversations I had, I see where infertility is always scattered into every part of my life whether I verbalize it or not. Yet, I still don't have the answer I want. The explanation to why I'm so fragile.

There were many years when these raw emotions were on my sleeve frequently. I was in tears weekly over something that triggered the heart break and the emptiness. With those days fewer and further between I can easily pride myself for being put together and at some kind of resolve for this mystery of conception and my body.

Honestly, I want that. I want to be OKAY! I want to be able to smile and graciously say I'm content and happy and life is good. Most days I can say this.

I think it's also okay to say, I don't understand. This doesn't make sense. Babies still tug on my heart strings. Pregnant bellies still make my heart sink a little. I don't have it figured out. It's okay to cry for no reason. And it's very much okay to eat three mini cupcakes and wash them down with an americano and wear stretchy pants!

I have believed the lie frequently that there is something wrong with me, cried out to God that He gave me a defective body. I know HE didn't mess up when knitting my body together, and I know He has a plan for my life.

I also know my God is a big enough God to listen to my confusion and hurts. I don't have a pretty little bow to wrap this up. What I DO have is Hope because God loves me and will hold my broken heart. 

We sang this song at church yesterday which is a familiar one to me, yet it can speak to my heart over and over again. 

My hope is You, show me Your ways

Guide me in truth in all my days

My hope is You

I am, O Lord, filled with Your love

You are, O God, my salvation

Guard my life and rescue me

My broken spirit shouts

My mended heart cries out

my hope is you...

(Third Day- My hope is in you) 

And then, today I stumbled across this verse, it was already underlined in my Bible so clearly this isn't the first time I liked it.

Romans 15:13 - I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I pray this in my life that I can live fully experiencing all God has for me. I also pray this for you, as you face whatever pain grips your heart may you also experience His confident hope.

Thank you for reading.