A Room in My Heart

Part 1 of the rest of my life!

I say "the rest of my life" because since I wrote "Part 1" I have taken many more steps and believe I will forever be taking steps in this area of my life.

Here is something I wrote for a women's retreat way back in 2006. I was asked to give part of my testimony and this is what I shared.... 

Over the last several months God has been working on me in an area of my life that I thought was just how I was...part of my personality. That area being my self-esteem. I have always had a low self esteem and been very critical of myself, how I look, my abilities, etc. I never really looked at this as being a problem, at least I wasn't hurting anybody else, and wasn't being full of myself and conceited, right?

About six months ago I set out to do a nutrition plan. I was determined to not fall into another diet trap where I lose 10 lbs to just gain it right back again all the while feeling like I failed AGAIN! I really wanted to make a lifestyle change and not continue to let this control me for the rest of my life. 

I quickly realized this venture was no different than those in the past and by not calling it a "diet" I wasn't exempt from getting sucked in to the diet game. 

Can anyone relate to this thing I call the diet game?  The obsession over every calorie, weighing myself compulsively, and feeling I failed if I didn't lose those pounds each week. (I believe there are times when a set program is good to follow for weight management. Yet what I was facing was different.)

One morning I realized this was an area in my life that I had never asked God for help in. Huh, I wonder why?

As I thought about that I had to ask myself, why was it that I was leaving God out of this one room in my heart?

It became very clear to me how much of a barrier this had become. Every time I was obsessing over my jean size, the number on the scale or how I looked in the mirror, I was making it all about ME, leaving no place for God to work. 

I prayed and invited God into this room...it was really hard to let go of because I knew He was going to go in and clean up and that is usually painful! But I was ready I didn't want to be in bondage to this any longer than I already had been.

The biggest thing He showed me in this process was His unconditional love for me. My low self esteem and poor self image was just the symptom to a much bigger deeper problem.

I was still trying to be a better person, earn acceptance, try harder. The last few years have brought so much growth with getting involved in a great church and receiving healing through counseling and classes. I've learned in a whole new light of God’s love and acceptance...I realized though the way I was acting was not living like I believed it.

I once was a caterpillar and now God says I am a butterfly.

I heard the great news, and that’s really exciting! Yet, I just got right back on the ground and crawl like a worm. Believing the lie that I'm not lovable and good enough if I don't look a certain way. 

I was hurting others because I was staying stuck, stuck on myself. My low self esteem was getting in the way of what God wanted to do in me and hindering all the ways He could use me in others' lives. It became very clear to me how harmful this vanity was and that it wasn't the cute little innocent thing that it had always seemed to me...”Oh, I have low self-esteem”.




I read back over this (and yes, edited it a bit too) and I'm reminded of where it all started. Seven years ago I invited God into that room and guess what? 

He's still cleaning it out, remodeling it, putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls. I don't claim to have any of this figured out. As many of you who know me well know I still struggle and have taken many more steps since this testimony all those years ago. Some of those steps forward and some back. I believe as long as I keep that door propped open with a willing heart admitting I don't have it mastered that my Loving Father will do a great work in this area of my life! 

I'm sure there will be many more posts about this journey, sharing with you the many other steps forward and back.

Thanks for reading!