Just say No to guilt

This time of year seems to be a perfect opportunity to feel guilt. The Holidays bring with them so much "extra". Extra stress, extra eating, extra spending, extra couch potato time. All those extras and lack of routine are no good for me. My husband just reminded me that this happens every year where I start beating myself up for all the ways I feel I failed. Christmas is over and we're fighting sickness and I didn't take care of myself by exercising and eating good foods. 

And then I feel guilty. I hate to admit it, but he is right. I follow the same cycle every year. 

I groggily got up and stumbled to the couch with my coffee this morning and opened up my devotional by Beth Moore to find this:

"Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don't feel guilty we can come to God with bold confidence." 1 John 3:20-21 

Beth writes, "In the dead of night when insecurities crawl on us like fleas, all of us have terrifying bouts of insecurity and panics of insignificance. Our human natures fail pitifully to the temptation at times to pull out the tape measure and gauge ourselves against people who seem far more gifted and anointed by God." 

I can SO relate to the insecurities that crawl on me at night... (sounds kinda creepy). But those are the times that my mind replays the day. I analyze conversations and the words that came out of my mouth. "I wasn't very kind and patient with so and so. I was critical and judgmental. I didn't run or exercise (I could have at least done a couple push ups or a plank!) I really shouldn't have eaten that cookie or ...(fill in the blank), I should have played with Rogan more, he watched a lot of TV...."  The list could go on but I won't subject you to anymore of my crazy thoughts. 

Guilt! Nasty deceiving lies that sneak in and distract. 

I find it really interesting that 1 John begins with, "See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!"

I'm not acting like a child of God when I beat myself up for falling short. I can also say I'm not going before his throne like a forgiven child of God when I'm busy analyzing my day. Beth also says, "One way we have to respond (to the lies) is by choosing to believe what we know rather than what we feel." 

I don't always feel like a child of God and my actions don't always show it, but I choose to believe that I am because that is what He calls me. 

With 2014 just hours away I think today is great day to let go of 2013 and all the expectations I had for it. 

No guilt. Just a fresh new year where I can go boldly before throne of my heavenly Father, accepting his grace and forgiveness every day. I'm not one for new years resolutions, but if I had to pick one this would be it. 

Accept His love and go to Him with bold confidence as his daughter!  

Happy New Year friends! Thanks for reading. 

Still being still

"Mama, will you grow me a baby in your tummy?"

I swallow hard fighting back the tears as my stomach flip flops. I knew this day would come, yet I still don't feel ready to answer. I reach down deep, quickly asking that God give me the words and the courage to answer this question that I don't even know the answer to.

"Buddy, Mama can't grow a baby in her tummy."

He so graciously accepts the answer and moves on to another thought, another question. I figure a four year old doesn't need to hear the long drawn out answer of, "Doctors say there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and they're baffled as much as we are that it hasn't happened in nine years of trying."

Instead I use this question as a great opportunity to explain to him that a beautiful girl grew him in her belly and gave him to us as a gift. And once again he accepts this as normal and seems content with my answer. If only I could be as resilient as he is and accept the answers of the unkown.

Some time passes, most randomly the question is asked again. Only this time we are driving and he asks me quite specifically if I will grow him a baby brother in my tummy.

I choose to reply this time with "I'm not sure if I can, but I sure would if I could". I proceed to tell him that it's really up to God, not really my decision. He then asks if we can pray...
Who is this kid anyway?! I am pushed to make a choice to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I've prayed about this countless times, but I know that I can forever take this desire to God.
So I drive and pray (with my eyes open of course). I ask God for me to be able to grow a baby brother or sister in my tummy (such raw and honest words requested by a four year old). I can't say I've ever phrased it quite like this before. He corrected me half way through and said, "No, a baby brother, not a sister!" I guess we better be specific while requesting things, right? We finish and he says, "Ok, great now it will happen."
And my heart drops again. Back to praying we go...

"God, may your will be done. You see our hearts and our desires. But you know what's best and having another baby may not be your will and we accept that. We trust you. We trust you God."

He's content, we drive home. My heart is raw once again. Just about the time I feel closure with all of this something is stirred and my heart is ripped wide open AGAIN!

Have you ever said something (or worse, prayed something) and later you have to eat your words?

Not two hours passed and I was eating those very words as a friend told me of her recent pregnancy. I'm happy for them and their blossoming family. Yet my heart aches to be able to give my child what so many mothers give their children with ease... siblings. The words rang out in my head as I hung up the phone and reality sank in. 

I'm standing here...still. Still standing here. 

People are passing me by on every side. I have seriously heard of five new pregnancies in just the last month. And with every one I swallow hard, smile and congratulate them. But inside another piece of my heart breaks.

God, I trust you. I TRUST You God. You know what is best for me, for our family.

I write these words not to get sympathy or pity. I risk a lot by typing these words out. I risk people tip toeing around me and sheltering me. Friends trying to protect me. I risk these things for the hope that someone is reading this that is going through a similar situation.

You are not alone friend! Even though it may feel like it, every one around you is NOT pregnant. I have muttered those words many times, (everyone is pregnant!) then I'm quickly reminded of people I love struggling with the same thing.

Regardless of what we are longing for (a spouse, a home, a job) it can be easy to think everyone else is getting what we want when there is silence in reply to our heartfelt cry.

I was reading a friend's blog earlier this week. She writes about how she finds comfort in 
Psalm 130

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (vs 5-7)

I put my trust in Him. I don't trust myself or my desires. I don't trust people or their opinions on what I should do.

All I have to do is Trust God! Easier said than done. But I will strive a little more each day to trust Him more.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I was a little late for Christmas cards this year so I decided to do "Happy New Year" cards instead. (you all get a preview) And this way we have my grandparents milk house and old white barn as a backdrop which is special and sentimental to me. 

For as long as I can remember my family has spent Christmas eve evening at my grandparents. A tradition that is kept to this day. 

One of my best memories is counting Christmas lights with my older sister on the hour long drive to their house every Christmas eve. We would each count in our head and when we got there we would reveal our numbers to see who had the most. I'm looking forward to passing this tradition on to Rogan someday. 

Pretending to sleep with Great Grandpa and Great Grandma.

Rogan with Grandma and Grandpa (my folks)

We spent Christmas day quietly just the three of us. I am blessed beyond words and truly enjoyed some sweet moments with my boys. 

I wiped the dust from my guitar and together Rogan and I were rock stars! 

So Merry Christmas friends, I pray it has been a blessed time for each of you. Regardless of what you may be going through, I know there can always be moments of light in the midst of the chaos, the pain or trials. These pictures are just a few things that have brought some real light to my heart the last few days.

waiting to watch Frozen on Christmas day

To the End of Myself

About 5 years ago I wrote a song expressing some of the pain I was feeling with infertility. It's pretty specific to the struggles that come with infertility. The chorus however can relate to just about anybody going through anything in this life. 

I was reminded today of the chorus as I was driving home pondering the events of the last couple weeks. I'm amazed at how God's words are timeless, they can apply over and over again throughout many seasons. 

"So I’m brought-

brought to the end of myself.

And I fall-

falling face down at your feet.

Offering nothing but brokenness.

For that’s all-

all I have left of me."

The last couple weeks have proven to me that I truly can't do it on my own. Quite honestly, life is kicking my butt! Nothing catastrophic, just the normal pressures of life. Sometimes I feel the everyday challenges can sneak up on me more than the gut wrenching pain of a really difficult season. Little things build and add up in my heart (and my shoulders because I forget to breathe) and next thing I know my veins are popping out of my neck when the dog runs me over to make it through the gate before me.  

This isn't the real issue, although it is irritating. The deeper issue is the pain building inside. The burdens I pack around, the chaos in my head.  

My heart hurts for loved ones dealing with really tough stuff.

I hurt from letting go of a ministry I love dearly and have known for so long. Trusting God in the next season of my life and where He wants to use me.

Admitting I'm wrong. 

Cleaning up poop and mud and puke.

Frustrations from misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

I think I'm taking things in stride. Picking up each one of these things and doing okay. 

And really, what I need most is to fall, fall face down at His Feet. Bring Him my brokenness (and in this instance), my chaos, my worry, my doubt. 

Admit to my Heavenly Father that I'm done, I'm at the end of myself. 

I believe that's what He desires most from us is to be at His feet and admit that we can't do it on our own. We don't necessarily need to be going through the worst of times to come to this place. Yet I think it's harder to come to him and admit weakness when life is going good. How quickly we can count more on our own abilities and strengths.

Ephesians 3:17 says, "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." 

It's always about being connected to Him. And you know what? That's fine by me. Because with Him I'm a much better version of myself. 

May you experience God's peace and love this week and enjoy the days leading up to Christmas. 

Thanks for reading. 

Steps of Faith

I have exciting news... In March I will be going on a mission trip to Guatemala with a group of people from my church! 

I recently learned that Guatemala has one of the highest percent of malnourished children in the world and that the literacy rate is less than fifty percent. I have felt a tug on my heart for this trip for years and am honored to get to be a part of the team this time.

Some of the work that our group will focus on includes:

• Spending time at two schools that our church sponsors, running a vacation bible school program and hosting a bible study for the teachers.
• Building a home for a needy family.
• Visit the city dump and connect with the community that lives there.
• Establishing relationships at homes of the currently sponsored children. ( I am especially excited about this.  We sponsor a 6 yr old boy named Samuel and I will get to meet him and his family as well as spend time with him during the week we are at the school.) 
• Visit sick children awaiting hospital treatment at Kairos house.

I went to a recent orientation meeting and have began taking steps of faith toward this trip. I say steps of faith because this trip isn't possible in my own strength and I am having to trust that God will work out all the details.  

I am asking you (my friends and family) for help and support. This isn't just another support letter asking for money, but rather a way for you to be a part of something amazing that I believe God is going to do. 

So here are the details and tangible ways you can help:

Prayer: I will need prayer for health, safety, finances and for everything to go smoothly here at home while I'm gone. Also for our team that lives would be changed and for the work and relationships in Guatemala.   

Financial support: The cost is around $1500-$1700 depending on plane tickets. This is more than we can afford as a family. 

Starting now through the time we departure I will be giving 100% of my Leather Creations
income to help pay for the trip. If you are looking to do some Christmas shopping or want to buy yourself something, now is a great time to buy! You can visit my Etsy shop with the link above or if you are local you can contact me for an appointment. 

Another way you can give is donate to Foothills Community Church  donations must be received by 2/16/14 (please include my name in the comments section of the online donation) All donations are tax deductible. 

My hope is to sell so many Leather Creations and raise enough money to not only pay for my way to Guatemala but exceed that amount and contribute toward the nutrition program we as a church are starting at Light of the World School.

When I do the math and calculate how much I need to come up with financially it seems impossible and overwhelming. And in my own strength it is! 

I know to God this is no major mountain to move. All He's asking is that I be willing to trust...and that I am. Trusting that He will use me in mighty ways to help change lives in Guatemala. 


Thank you for reading and please know that any amount of money or prayers, are greatly appreciated. 

Our sponsor child Samuel 

Relaxing in His grace

Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.

Psalms 100: 4-5

These verses really spoke to me earlier this week,  and how appropriate with tomorrow being Thanksgiving. I saw this verse in a new light.

The word Enter  and Come before Him especially got my attention. I will admit I still struggle with a performance mentality, feeling I need "do". I've grown a lot in this area but it seems to raise its ugly head from time to time. 

So really all I need to DO is simply go before God, praise Him, look for ways to be thankful throughout my day and...Relax!!  

I thought about writing a big post on thankfulness and feeling that I should have something grand to share with it being Thanksgiving and all, but once again I was trying to perform and do.

So here it is, short and sweet. This Thanksgiving I will be thanking Him and recognizing all the ways he has blessed me and my family. 

"Give Thanks" cuff available through Leather Creations (message me for details)

May you all be blessed with a relaxing Thanksgiving, embracing the simple fact that you are loved! 

Thanks for reading. 

Bending beneath the weight of His wind

I walked around the house yesterday humming and singing "How he loves us" by David Crowder. It wasn't because I had recently heard it, for some reason It was just on my mind.
 
Then at college group last night we sang it. And in that moment sitting there in Jon and Lynsey's home I heard something so differently about the song I thought I knew well. The words of this song sank deeply into my heart and the words spoke directly to me.
 
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are and great your affections are for me.
 Read more: David Crowder - How He Loves Lyrics | MetroLyrics
 

Of course, anytime a reference is made to a tree you have my attention. With the windy, rainy fall weather we recently had it is easy to see this analogy. I watch the trees behind our house as they all move together, swaying and bending with the wind. They would snap if they were stiff and rigid. So often I am rigid, anxious, trying to make a plan. Allowing desires and decisions to bog me down.

His words are clear to me,

"My love is like a hurricane and you are a tree, give in to my will, bend child".  
 
Last week at college group we were talking about being yoked with Jesus, how His yoke is light when we are walking with him, He is literally right beside us, carrying the weight. 
Matt 11:29

The discussion continued last night with Christ dwelling in us, not walking ahead of us dragging us along or behind us. But right with us, shouldering life with us.
The question was asked, "how do we show our gratitude to Christ for dwelling in us?" My first thought was I show my gratitude by thanking Him and praying and spending time with Him, which I think are all good things. But then someone answered they show gratitude by trusting him and his plan.  Not hanging on to entitlement, whining and sniffling that I didn't get my way. (paraphrased to my words) So easily I can feel entitled or whining because I want something different, a different path. The correlation between trust and gratitude never really clicked to me before that moment. Or maybe it had, but I heard it differently last night with the things that weighed heavy on my heart.

I'm rejecting his light burden when I hold tightly to my plans, my pain. And the vicious cycle begins. Self reliance, self focus, distrust, ingratitude. 


A 3x5 card fell out of my Bible this morning. And it laid on the floor for awhile. Finally after walking by it several times I reached down and picked it up. Here are the words I had written some time ago.


"Gratitude is the foremost quality of a believing disciple precisely because gratitude is what births trust- the true belief." I can't remember where I read this or who wrote it, I certainly can't take credit for it. But what perfect timing for it to fall out of my Bible.

Sometimes I just get tired of hurting and struggling with the same things over and over. And in my selfishness I want a solution, a simple answer, I want life to be a bit easier. How appropriate right now before Thanksgiving that the subject of gratitude comes up and how it all ties together.

So today I choose to trust Jesus, thanking him for walking with me, for bearing the weight of my burdens. I trust him with my hopes, dreams, plans... my life. Isn't that the least I can do! And in that surrender and trust I become a little less aware of my afflictions, and I am overcome with his peace.

As a close friend just said to me, " We will be hunched over old ladies together one day after years of bending."

May you bend in that rigid area of your life today and trust the path God has for you.

Thanks for reading.

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
 



  


 
 

The guy in the red Chevy pickup

In honor of our 14 year Anniversary today I thought it only appropriate to share a bit of our love story.

I was only 18 when I started working for a construction company as a flagger and grade checker. I was young and naïve, insecure and trying way too hard to be one of the guys. It didn't take me long to notice this guy, he drove a red Chevy pickup. The guys called him "Red" (aka: Mike). He stood out to me because he always treated me like a lady even when I wasn't acting like one. When the other guys would give me a hard time he would reassure me with a look or a wink. I saw something different in him, a genuine care and compassion.

There was a spark...I guess you could say "Love at first sight". 

We would go months without seeing each other since we each worked on different crews for the company. 

My heart would skip a beat when I would pull up to a job sight and surprisingly see that red Chevy pickup. 

I will never forget the day he asked me if he could take me out for a date. Then he realized our age difference and said he had to at least wait till I was 21. I was impressed by what a gentlemen he was but couldn't imagine waiting months. I think it helped that we didn't see each other every day. We would randomly work together and talk and flirt.

He had a chocolate lab named Zeus and one day at lunch Zeus walked right up to my lunch box and lifted his leg. Of course Mike felt terrible. I didn't really care, his dog could do no wrong as well as him. To this day we joke that Zeus was letting Mike know that he approved of me and was marking his territory.

My sisters heard all about this guy at work and I even named a cat with his last name. There's a story of how I stalked him and killed my Mazda pickup in his apartment complex. Great little memories and silly infatuation!

After dating a few months

After all these years of waiting my 21st Birthday finally came and the following weekend he took me out on our first date. We went to a little bar in Beaverton (they have since tore it down), we drank beer and played darts. Classy, right? It's ours though, our sweet memory and our first date. I figured he wouldn't call me after that first date because that's all I knew. I was jaded and numb, broken and hardened. I told myself it didn't matter if he never spoke to me again at work or never took me out again. Preparing my heart for the worst.

He was different though, different than all the other guys. Just a couple days later he called me and asked me out on another date. We kept it quiet at work around our coworkers for the first month or so. It was mysterious and exciting, our little secret. He always treated me like a lady, respected and cherished me, something I rarely saw in other guys.

Our coworkers didn't have much positive to say as word got out about our relationship. They saw something that we couldn't see, a train wreck waiting to happen. Honestly, we were headed down the wrong road, one of entitlement and an "us against the world" mentality.

The years leading up to our first date were anything but healthy for me. I was living my life solely for the approval of guys. If I got asked out on a date I felt like I was worth something and had value. I had no self respect or moderation when it came to partying.

I carried those destructive ways into our relationship by numbing pain with alcohol and trying to earn love acceptance from Mike. I made up my own rules and rebelled at everything I knew to be right and true. And most importantly,  I would prove everyone wrong that said we wouldn't make it.

The problem with this was it was all about what I could do in my own strength, refusing to look at the deeper issues.

We were two broken hurting people but God saw something different, He saw potential. He was already at work even though we were oblivious

One year later on my birthday Mike got down on one knee at the Flying M ranch and asked me to marry him. Two years after our first date on November 14th we got married at a cute little place in Vancouver, WA. 

Engagement Photo 1998

It wouldn't be real to write a pretty little story of how we met and how he proposed and where we got married. The parts of the story that were hard and rough, those are the parts that makes us who we are today. That is what makes us "Mike and Chelsea". I wouldn't recommend taking the road we did. We've been through some valleys and deserts and seriously rough patches that I thought were going to break us for good. But God is gracious and loving and has had His hand in this from Day 1.

Even though we weren't walking with God when we met we always agreed on one thing. We both wanted someone that was willing to grow and change together. I believe that carried us through a lot. Years later we started seeking God and inviting Him into our marriage and that is when the real growth began. The foundation was being rebuilt.

Growing is a forever process, we are still taking classes and reading books, seeking out tools for our marriage.  

God has changed us both dramatically in the past 19 years. But He's left some things unchanged, like the qualities that attracted me to Mike in the first place. 

He is bold and purpose driven. He doesn't wait to be told what to do, he just moves forward and problem solves. Yet even with that forward momentum he is patient and sensitive. Always understanding of my emotional meltdowns. Listens to my many words ( I think I have more than the average woman) and has great discernment.

I couldn't have asked for a better husband to walk this road of healing with me. And I can honestly say I love him more today than I did 14 years ago because of the blood, sweat and tears we have shared together.

November 14th, 1999

Thanks for reading a part of my story, a piece of my heart.

A Memorable List

I feel as if I'm bursting at the seams with inspiration and words after spending eight days on vacation. Elk camp to be exact.

I'm not really sure where to begin so I will simply make a list of my memorable and thankful moments from elk camp 2013. And since I'm a list maker this should be easy.... so here we go!

1. Quiet space. Margin. Time to pause.
2. The smell of a campfire.
3. Coyotes howling at 2 am
4. Waking up to see your own breathe.
5. Sleeping in long underwear, wool socks and a beanie (see number 4)
6. Walking through the woods side by side with my husband. 
7. Laughing over the silly ridiculous things (because of that extra margin)
8. No time schedule other than shooting light.
9. Coffee with grounds in it.
10. Playing spades for the first time and getting my butt handed to me.
11. Sitting on a stump, listening, praying, waiting.
12. Hearing my little mans voice on the phone hundreds of miles away.
13. Duct tape when the soles give out on my favorite boots.
14. Warming my cold feet and hands on a wood stove. 
    
    
    
15. Feeling hunger from a hard earned hike. 
16. Listening to Bob's stories.
17. Praying my daily prayer as I walk on the frosty ground in the morning light.
18. Seeing the sunrise from the top of the world. 
    
19. An owl in a tree.
20. Grandparents willing to watch a four year old for 8 days.
21. Friends pet/house sitting.
22. Understanding and tenderness from my husband on the days I just couldn't be tough.
23. Standing in the dark for hours waiting for shooting light.
24. Hearing cows and bulls talk to each other on every side of the tree I leaned against.
25. Birthday pancakes and surprise presents on my air mattress after the morning hunt. 
26. A day late celebration with my folks and little sis at DQ on our way home.

My heart is filled with something that only space can fill.

I know for some of you staying in a tent for a week and tromping around the woods isn't your cup of tea.

I'll be the first to admit I'm a little strange. A canvas tent and fresh air is just what I needed.

It amazes me how God knows exactly what speaks to Mike and I.  What we needed to come together as a couple, united and connected.

I can still smell the musty smoky smell of our gear in the garage and it reminds me of what was built last week. Relationships, memories and a full heart.

PS- We didn't get an Elk, but as you can tell that's ok. Still had a great trip!





A Room in My Heart

Part 1 of the rest of my life!

I say "the rest of my life" because since I wrote "Part 1" I have taken many more steps and believe I will forever be taking steps in this area of my life.

Here is something I wrote for a women's retreat way back in 2006. I was asked to give part of my testimony and this is what I shared.... 

Over the last several months God has been working on me in an area of my life that I thought was just how I was...part of my personality. That area being my self-esteem. I have always had a low self esteem and been very critical of myself, how I look, my abilities, etc. I never really looked at this as being a problem, at least I wasn't hurting anybody else, and wasn't being full of myself and conceited, right?

About six months ago I set out to do a nutrition plan. I was determined to not fall into another diet trap where I lose 10 lbs to just gain it right back again all the while feeling like I failed AGAIN! I really wanted to make a lifestyle change and not continue to let this control me for the rest of my life. 

I quickly realized this venture was no different than those in the past and by not calling it a "diet" I wasn't exempt from getting sucked in to the diet game. 

Can anyone relate to this thing I call the diet game?  The obsession over every calorie, weighing myself compulsively, and feeling I failed if I didn't lose those pounds each week. (I believe there are times when a set program is good to follow for weight management. Yet what I was facing was different.)

One morning I realized this was an area in my life that I had never asked God for help in. Huh, I wonder why?

As I thought about that I had to ask myself, why was it that I was leaving God out of this one room in my heart?

It became very clear to me how much of a barrier this had become. Every time I was obsessing over my jean size, the number on the scale or how I looked in the mirror, I was making it all about ME, leaving no place for God to work. 

I prayed and invited God into this room...it was really hard to let go of because I knew He was going to go in and clean up and that is usually painful! But I was ready I didn't want to be in bondage to this any longer than I already had been.

The biggest thing He showed me in this process was His unconditional love for me. My low self esteem and poor self image was just the symptom to a much bigger deeper problem.

I was still trying to be a better person, earn acceptance, try harder. The last few years have brought so much growth with getting involved in a great church and receiving healing through counseling and classes. I've learned in a whole new light of God’s love and acceptance...I realized though the way I was acting was not living like I believed it.

I once was a caterpillar and now God says I am a butterfly.

I heard the great news, and that’s really exciting! Yet, I just got right back on the ground and crawl like a worm. Believing the lie that I'm not lovable and good enough if I don't look a certain way. 

I was hurting others because I was staying stuck, stuck on myself. My low self esteem was getting in the way of what God wanted to do in me and hindering all the ways He could use me in others' lives. It became very clear to me how harmful this vanity was and that it wasn't the cute little innocent thing that it had always seemed to me...”Oh, I have low self-esteem”.




I read back over this (and yes, edited it a bit too) and I'm reminded of where it all started. Seven years ago I invited God into that room and guess what? 

He's still cleaning it out, remodeling it, putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls. I don't claim to have any of this figured out. As many of you who know me well know I still struggle and have taken many more steps since this testimony all those years ago. Some of those steps forward and some back. I believe as long as I keep that door propped open with a willing heart admitting I don't have it mastered that my Loving Father will do a great work in this area of my life! 

I'm sure there will be many more posts about this journey, sharing with you the many other steps forward and back.

Thanks for reading! 

What amazed me about Christ today

I recently got a new book for my morning devotionals. It is from the personal reflection series by Beth Moore. If you are familiar with Beth Moore's studies you know they are in depth and amazing. The personal reflection series is a little less involved and doable for me while I drink my coffee in the morning.

I'm only a couple days into the book "John" from the series. This is one of her questions to consider for today.
When was the last time Christ amazed you? How did it come about? What did it change about your or someone else's circumstances? 

I was struggling a bit this morning as I thought about how to honestly answer that question. Have I really been paying attention to ways God is working or amazing me? The Fall season is a given. This is always the time of year I feel most renewed and refreshed. I see and enjoy God's handiwork everywhere and appreciate it so. But for some reason that just wasn't enough for me to fully answer the question. I felt more burdened and hitting a road block with the answer.

A big distraction looming over my head was a burden of loneliness and isolation of plain ol' exhaustion. Sometimes I give of myself as a wife, mother, friend, mentor, leader, neighbor and am just left feeling invisible. I know that no one person purposely tries to be unappreciative, I think that in our very busy lives and worlds it is very easy to overlook people and show genuine appreciation. (I myself am guilty of this and probably do it without knowing.) So this is what was heavy on my heart this morning as I sat in my quiet house with my coffee. Praying and asking God to fill me and encourage me and for Him to be my portion and fill my longings.

I finished my reading and questions and began my day. Rogan and I finished a craft project that was a birthday gift. After it was all done I took his picture with it and sent it to my friend who gifted it to him.

And then here's where God shows up...

She replied back with this text,  "You guys are such a blessing to me and my family! Here we were sitting around the table praying and waiting to hear on my husband's uncle because hey had to take him back into surgery this morning. And I get a text from you at the perfect time for the second time this week! God is so good and knows me all too well. Thank you!" 

Now if that doesn't encourage a burdened lonely heart then I don't know what will. Friends have told me thank you this week and showed their appreciation. But there was just something about this text that spoke the words I needed. It was plain as day that the things I'm doing DO matter and God IS using me to encourage and help people. 

It really doesn't matter what the words are or who they are from. What matters is I saw a glimpse of God saying "well done my child". 

That is enough to keep me going even if I am spiritually exhausted and tired. So back to Beth's question...

What amazed me about Christ today? 

How He used me to encourage someone despite my discouragement and in turn encouraged my heart with the very words of appreciation I needed to hear. True authentic words from a friend. And the Fall beauty, well that's just the icing on the top! 

Pain that grips the heart

Sometimes I think there is a direct line from my heart to my uterus...

I should probably start with a disclaimer. This post is real, raw and full of emotion. If you have faced or are facing infertility you will get it. If not, hopefully it helps bring some understanding.
However pain is pain, and whatever you are facing, I hope you can relate.

It really shouldn't surprise me that I've been hit with the emotions of a broken heart all over again. After celebrating Rogan's 4th Birthday and having a week full of fun it would be like the enemy to sneak in and attempt to sucker punch me in the most sensitive area of my life. We have received  tremendous blessing through adopting Rogan and he brings such fulfillment and joy to our life, I am truly grateful! Yet the pain of not becoming pregnant doesn't magically disappear.

"Time" does not heal all wounds. While God's grace has removed the despair from my heart, the pain is still there.

My gut wrenches and knots, stabbing pain in my body. I can handle a lot of physical pain but when it reaches up and grips my heart it's a little harder to power through. My heart actually hurts and the tears start welling in my eyes. What is wrong with me! I thought I was past this, I haven't felt this kind of heartache in awhile. Mike pulls me close and says, "It's ok, I know your heart hurts, I watched you notice that newborn baby and I'm so sorry."

I let the tears fall and I don't even know why I'm crying. 

Usually I can put my finger on it, what IT was that broke my heart....

The news of someone becoming pregnant, a brand new baby, a pregnant belly. I am happy for those experiencing the joy of new life or a positive pregnancy test but it's also those moments that remind me of how my body has failed me. I'm reminded that I have never looked at a pregnancy test to find a positive result, I have never experienced morning sickness, I have never watched my stomach morph and change to a beautiful round belly, I have never felt a baby kick or flip inside my tummy or watched an ultra sound with new life. All the things I have longed for and dreamed of.

I feel like these things are pretty simple, and commonly experienced by women. I listen to other women's conversations as they take these things for granted. I can't really blame them, they don't know what it's like to NOT experience them, it's normal to them, like grocery shopping is to me.

But why this time? What is my problem today. I reflect back over the week and the conversations I had, I see where infertility is always scattered into every part of my life whether I verbalize it or not. Yet, I still don't have the answer I want. The explanation to why I'm so fragile.

There were many years when these raw emotions were on my sleeve frequently. I was in tears weekly over something that triggered the heart break and the emptiness. With those days fewer and further between I can easily pride myself for being put together and at some kind of resolve for this mystery of conception and my body.

Honestly, I want that. I want to be OKAY! I want to be able to smile and graciously say I'm content and happy and life is good. Most days I can say this.

I think it's also okay to say, I don't understand. This doesn't make sense. Babies still tug on my heart strings. Pregnant bellies still make my heart sink a little. I don't have it figured out. It's okay to cry for no reason. And it's very much okay to eat three mini cupcakes and wash them down with an americano and wear stretchy pants!

I have believed the lie frequently that there is something wrong with me, cried out to God that He gave me a defective body. I know HE didn't mess up when knitting my body together, and I know He has a plan for my life.

I also know my God is a big enough God to listen to my confusion and hurts. I don't have a pretty little bow to wrap this up. What I DO have is Hope because God loves me and will hold my broken heart. 

We sang this song at church yesterday which is a familiar one to me, yet it can speak to my heart over and over again. 

My hope is You, show me Your ways

Guide me in truth in all my days

My hope is You

I am, O Lord, filled with Your love

You are, O God, my salvation

Guard my life and rescue me

My broken spirit shouts

My mended heart cries out

my hope is you...

(Third Day- My hope is in you) 

And then, today I stumbled across this verse, it was already underlined in my Bible so clearly this isn't the first time I liked it.

Romans 15:13 - I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I pray this in my life that I can live fully experiencing all God has for me. I also pray this for you, as you face whatever pain grips your heart may you also experience His confident hope.

Thank you for reading.