Waiting In Line

There's this ride at the carnival and I hear it's a really fantastic one. Some people talk about it like it's the scariest, most life changing thing they've ever experienced. 

I had always dreamed of the day and spent years planning. When the time came I bought a ticket and went to the carnival. There was so much anticipation and so much to look forward to. 

The line was long to this famous ride and people were giddy over it. I found my place at the back of the line. I was a little nervous as I fidgeted there, I just didn't know what to expect. People walked by and told me that it can take a really long time but it's worth it. 

They said things like, "Don't worry, you've got time, just relax." And so, I patiently waited. 

As the wait grew longer my feet started getting tired and the sun beat down on my face. I started getting discouraged and questioning if it was worth it. I watched the ride spin 'round and 'round, all the while becoming more anxious. 

I imagined how it would feel. Would I love it or would I be sick the whole time? 

A couple times I got all the way to the front of the line, my turn was so close I could taste it. My stomach started to turn, I even felt all the symptoms and feelings that others described.

I stood in the shadows as girls giggled and shared their experiences about how great the ride was and how much fun they had. I longed to know what they were talking about. 

I stood there watching as it was her turn. She stepped up to be seated, she was about to experience it for the first time. All her friends were cheering for her and planning a huge celebration for afterwards.

I stood there unnoticed as some were able to walk right to the front of the line, not waiting at all.   

As people were getting off the ride they were laughing and sharing their stories. Each one had a slightly different experience but they all had one thing in common, they each had a turn. 

My anticipation grew with each passing hour and I just couldn't wait to experience it for myself.

A passerby stopped to warn me, "You don't want to ride that ride, it will just make you sick. It made me sick... be glad you haven't had a turn." 

"Maybe it will", I said, "but I'd like to decide that for myself even if I am sick." 

Another person stepped off the ride exclaiming, "Oh that's the greatest thing ever! I can't wait to do it all over again!" 

I stood there patiently, STILL standing there hoping that my turn would be soon. I believed their stories but it didn't change the fact that I'd still like to experience it for myself.  

Someone passes back by the line, they are stunned to see me still standing there. They ask, 

"You STILL want to ride this ride?"

"Aren't you getting a little old for this kind of stuff?" 

I reply with what feels like the last stitch of kindness, "Yes, YES in fact I do! Time doesn't erase a desire."    

You see, I've been patiently waiting in line and holding on to God's promises for 12 years. I know some who have been in line longer than me and some much less. But this is my experience and my story, the days are long when the disappointment and frustration is real.

These years have not been wasted, many times I've gotten out of line to experience a lot of amazing rides. Some of the most beautiful, exhilarating times that have changed my life forever and I am so glad I didn't miss them. 

But, this ride, this ride of pregnancy is one that was placed deep in my heart and something I've desired for many years. 

It's something that is effortless to so many and the deepest longing in the hearts of the few that wait. 

And so I wait...

May I wait well, asking God to give me the strength to keep standing when it seems all hope is lost. 

The humility to congratulate and celebrate others as they go ahead of me.

The endurance to not give up and trust God's timing.  

And most importantly the ears to hear His voice when He says it's time to step out of line, but until then, 

I wait here for my turn.  (or until the carnival closes.)   

Still Being Still

"All you need for me to be is Still. And know that you are God. Be still. And trust that you, and trust that you are... parting waters, making a way for me, your'e moving mountains that I can't even see. You've answered my prayers before I even speak. All you need for me to be is Still." 

I sing along to Hilary Scott's beautiful words as I drive home from dropping Rogan off at school. 

I think about what it means to be still and I say to God, "but I am and have been for a really long time". It's as if I don't know what else to do anymore, just simply BE, it's all you can do sometimes when life circles back around and you find yourself in a familiar place.

I am forced to remember the words I wrote over three years ago when I hear the word Still. 

·  ·  ·  ·  ·  ·  ·  ·

                                           

"Mama, will you grow me a baby in your tummy?"

I swallow hard fighting back the tears as my stomach flip flops. I knew this day would come, yet I still don't feel ready to answer. I reach down deep, quickly asking that God give me the words and the courage to answer this question that I don't even know the answer to.

"Buddy, Mama can't grow a baby in her tummy."

He so graciously accepts the answer and moves on to another thought, another question. I figure a four year old doesn't need to hear the long drawn out answer of, "Doctors say there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and they're baffled as much as we are that it hasn't happened in nine years of trying."

Instead I use this question as a great opportunity to explain to him that a beautiful girl grew him in her belly and gave him to us as a gift. And once again he accepts this as normal and seems content with my answer. If only I could be as resilient as he is and accept the answers of the unkown.

Some time passes, most randomly the question is asked again. Only this time we are driving and he asks me quite specifically if I will grow him a baby brother in my tummy.

I choose to reply this time with "I'm not sure if I can, but I sure would if I could". I proceed to tell him that it's really up to God, not really my decision. He then asks if we can pray...
Who is this kid anyway?! I am pushed to make a choice to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I've prayed about this countless times, but I know that I can forever take this desire to God.
So I drive and pray (with my eyes open of course). I ask God for me to be able to grow a baby brother or sister in my tummy (such raw and honest words requested by a four year old). I can't say I've ever phrased it quite like this before. He corrected me half way through and said, "No, a baby brother, not a sister!" I guess we better be specific while requesting things, right? We finish and he says, "Ok, great now it will happen."
And my heart drops again. Back to praying we go...

"God, may your will be done. You see our hearts and our desires. But you know what's best and having another baby may not be your will and we accept that. We trust you. We trust you God."

He's content, we drive home. My heart is raw once again. Just about the time I feel closure with all of this something is stirred and my heart is ripped wide open AGAIN!

Have you ever said something (or worse, prayed something) and later you have to eat your words?

Not two hours passed and I was eating those very words as a friend told me of her recent pregnancy. I'm happy for them and their blossoming family. Yet my heart aches to be able to give my child what so many mothers give their children with ease... siblings. The words rang out in my head as I hung up the phone and reality sank in.

 

I'm standing here...STILL. 

Still Standing Here. 

People are passing me by on every side. I have seriously heard of five new pregnancies in just the last month. And with every one I swallow hard, smile and congratulate them. But inside another piece of my heart breaks.

God, I trust you. I TRUST You God. You know what is best for me, for our family.

I write these words not to get sympathy or pity. I risk a lot by typing these words out. I risk people tip toeing around me and sheltering me. Friends trying to protect me. I risk these things for the hope that someone is reading this that is going through a similar situation.

You are not alone friend! Even though it may feel like it, every one around you is NOT pregnant. I have muttered those words many times, (everyone is pregnant!) then I'm quickly reminded of people I love struggling with the same thing.

Regardless of what we are longing for (a spouse, a home, a job) it can be easy to think everyone else is getting what we want when there is nothing but silence from our heartfelt cry and desire.  

I was reading a friend's blog earlier this week. She writes about how she finds comfort in 
Psalm 130

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (vs 5-7)

I put my trust in Him. I don't trust myself or my desires. I don't trust people or their opinions on what I should do.

All I have to do is Trust God! Easier said than done. But I will strive a little more each day to trust Him more.

(As these questions and requests still come at me I am reminded that I am not the one in control. My 4 year old is now 7 1/2 and he still asks for a baby brother or sister, in these moments I am challenged on how I will respond. Even though it isn't always easy I am grateful for the opportunity to talk about the gift of adoption and the crazy road of trusting God. Like the song I was singing in the car, He is moving mountains that I can't see and that is what I hold on to.)   

Is It Real?

        "Satisfy all my longings and fill all my hollow places with your love." 

Out of context it may sound strange but this is a sentence from a prayer I (try to) pray every morning, asking God to fill the discontentment in me, something I seem to struggle with often. 

I think it's in all human beings. The belief that we will finally be satisfied when we find the perfect spouse or job, when we buy a house, become pregnant, vacation someplace tropical, the list could go on with all the things that we think will finally settle us. That which will make us happy. I know that none of these things will ever truly fill that void in my heart, although they can bring some joy to my life. I believe we can and should ask God specifically for the things we desire, and sometimes He answers those prayers specifically. But, sometimes He doesn't. That is a fact. What if years of prayers go unanswered? Does this mean that we can never really be at peace or experience joy in our life? 

Several years into our infertility journey I began to ask that God would take away the desire for me to become pregnant if it wasn't in His will. My heart cry changed from one of request to one of "please just give me a peace." A contentment that comes despite circumstances changing can't be explained or forced. I had tried so many times to surrender and do the right thing, yet the emptiness remained. 


I stepped up to the microphone at church on Thanksgiving Sunday. My hands were sweating and I was shaking straight through my body. I knew I had to share because my heart started to pound out of my chest sitting in my chair. God had changed something in my heart just months prior, the miracle of contentment and peace. I said, "We have prayed for over 10 years for something and He has not answered that prayer, I have also asked for Him to give me a peace regardless of His answer. For years I have prayed this way and today I can say that I am thankful because I feel a true contentment and at peace with this journey He has us on. I am okay with His answer, after all these years I can finally say it's okay." 



Anyone who has faithfully waited for something for years knows that a peace that passes all understanding is just as refreshing as the wish coming true. To be able to look at the day ahead of me and feel hope and excitement is nothing that can be achieved in a formula. Making a choice of surrender regardless of how I feel is something I strive for. But sometimes it takes awhile for the feelings to catch up to my choice. I don't always feel great after doing the right thing. It's in those times that I am reminded that peace also comes in His perfect timing.  

I kept quiet with this new found contentment afraid to share it with anyone until that Sunday morning in church. In my pessimistic thinking I just knew that as soon as I admitted peace I would get hit with the baby blues. And guess what? I did. For some reason Christmas has a way of bringing up so much emotion. Grieving the loss of pregnancy is still fresh and being surrounded by pregnant friends and those planning for it has a way of slowly distracting me. The blues crept back in so subtle and before I knew it the ugliness of discontentment was making its home in my heart. 

The peace wasn't real... I knew it! 

"So do not through away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I am familiar with this verse but something stood out very different to me when I opened up my Bible and embraced God's truth concerning my recent struggle. There is a wonderful true peace only He can give and 

It Is Real!  

It's so easy to get wrapped up in my selfish desires, entitlement, bad attitude, laziness and pride. All of those things push me further from God and before I know it I'm on a downward spiral of comparing and chasing cheap replacements. 

"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

He gives peace, freely. He does not take it away or trick me. So maybe in those times I feel burdened with the void and wrestling with my discontent I should look first at where I'm turning for fulfillment. The truth is there waiting for me, the question is, will I listen for it. And so I will continue to embrace the peace He has given me. I know everyday won't feel good, but the truth remains... He is faithful to give me all I need. 

May we each find encouragement on the path we are on, whether prayers are answered the way we had hoped or whether we are being called to wait. Either way, He can and will give you a peace and the grace it takes to endure. He just asks that we draw close to Him, because on our own we are empty and discontent.