I sing along to Hilary Scott's beautiful words as I drive home from dropping Rogan off at school.
I think about what it means to be still and I say to God, "but I am and have been for a really long time". It's as if I don't know what else to do anymore, just simply BE, it's all you can do sometimes when life circles back around and you find yourself in a familiar place.
I am forced to remember the words I wrote over three years ago when I hear the word Still.
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"Mama, will you grow me a baby in your tummy?"
I swallow hard fighting back the tears as my stomach flip flops. I knew this day would come, yet I still don't feel ready to answer. I reach down deep, quickly asking that God give me the words and the courage to answer this question that I don't even know the answer to.
"Buddy, Mama can't grow a baby in her tummy."
He so graciously accepts the answer and moves on to another thought, another question. I figure a four year old doesn't need to hear the long drawn out answer of, "Doctors say there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and they're baffled as much as we are that it hasn't happened in nine years of trying."
Instead I use this question as a great opportunity to explain to him that a beautiful girl grew him in her belly and gave him to us as a gift. And once again he accepts this as normal and seems content with my answer. If only I could be as resilient as he is and accept the answers of the unkown.
Some time passes, most randomly the question is asked again. Only this time we are driving and he asks me quite specifically if I will grow him a baby brother in my tummy.
I choose to reply this time with "I'm not sure if I can, but I sure would if I could". I proceed to tell him that it's really up to God, not really my decision. He then asks if we can pray...
Who is this kid anyway?! I am pushed to make a choice to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I've prayed about this countless times, but I know that I can forever take this desire to God.
So I drive and pray (with my eyes open of course). I ask God for me to be able to grow a baby brother or sister in my tummy (such raw and honest words requested by a four year old). I can't say I've ever phrased it quite like this before. He corrected me half way through and said, "No, a baby brother, not a sister!" I guess we better be specific while requesting things, right? We finish and he says, "Ok, great now it will happen."
And my heart drops again. Back to praying we go...
"God, may your will be done. You see our hearts and our desires. But you know what's best and having another baby may not be your will and we accept that. We trust you. We trust you God."
Have you ever said something (or worse, prayed something) and later you have to eat your words?
Not two hours passed and I was eating those very words as a friend told me of her recent pregnancy. I'm happy for them and their blossoming family. Yet my heart aches to be able to give my child what so many mothers give their children with ease... siblings. The words rang out in my head as I hung up the phone and reality sank in.
I'm standing here...STILL.
Still Standing Here.
People are passing me by on every side. I have seriously heard of five new pregnancies in just the last month. And with every one I swallow hard, smile and congratulate them. But inside another piece of my heart breaks.
God, I trust you. I TRUST You God. You know what is best for me, for our family.
I write these words not to get sympathy or pity. I risk a lot by typing these words out. I risk people tip toeing around me and sheltering me. Friends trying to protect me. I risk these things for the hope that someone is reading this that is going through a similar situation.
You are not alone friend! Even though it may feel like it, every one around you is NOT pregnant. I have muttered those words many times, (everyone is pregnant!) then I'm quickly reminded of people I love struggling with the same thing.
Regardless of what we are longing for (a spouse, a home, a job) it can be easy to think everyone else is getting what we want when there is nothing but silence from our heartfelt cry and desire.
I was reading a friend's blog earlier this week. She writes about how she finds comfort in
Psalm 130
I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (vs 5-7)
I put my trust in Him. I don't trust myself or my desires. I don't trust people or their opinions on what I should do.
All I have to do is Trust God! Easier said than done. But I will strive a little more each day to trust Him more.
(As these questions and requests still come at me I am reminded that I am not the one in control. My 4 year old is now 7 1/2 and he still asks for a baby brother or sister, in these moments I am challenged on how I will respond. Even though it isn't always easy I am grateful for the opportunity to talk about the gift of adoption and the crazy road of trusting God. Like the song I was singing in the car, He is moving mountains that I can't see and that is what I hold on to.)
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