Waiting In Line

There's this ride at the carnival and I hear it's a really fantastic one. Some people talk about it like it's the scariest, most life changing thing they've ever experienced. 

I had always dreamed of the day and spent years planning. When the time came I bought a ticket and went to the carnival. There was so much anticipation and so much to look forward to. 

The line was long to this famous ride and people were giddy over it. I found my place at the back of the line. I was a little nervous as I fidgeted there, I just didn't know what to expect. People walked by and told me that it can take a really long time but it's worth it. 

They said things like, "Don't worry, you've got time, just relax." And so, I patiently waited. 

As the wait grew longer my feet started getting tired and the sun beat down on my face. I started getting discouraged and questioning if it was worth it. I watched the ride spin 'round and 'round, all the while becoming more anxious. 

I imagined how it would feel. Would I love it or would I be sick the whole time? 

A couple times I got all the way to the front of the line, my turn was so close I could taste it. My stomach started to turn, I even felt all the symptoms and feelings that others described.

I stood in the shadows as girls giggled and shared their experiences about how great the ride was and how much fun they had. I longed to know what they were talking about. 

I stood there watching as it was her turn. She stepped up to be seated, she was about to experience it for the first time. All her friends were cheering for her and planning a huge celebration for afterwards.

I stood there unnoticed as some were able to walk right to the front of the line, not waiting at all.   

As people were getting off the ride they were laughing and sharing their stories. Each one had a slightly different experience but they all had one thing in common, they each had a turn. 

My anticipation grew with each passing hour and I just couldn't wait to experience it for myself.

A passerby stopped to warn me, "You don't want to ride that ride, it will just make you sick. It made me sick... be glad you haven't had a turn." 

"Maybe it will", I said, "but I'd like to decide that for myself even if I am sick." 

Another person stepped off the ride exclaiming, "Oh that's the greatest thing ever! I can't wait to do it all over again!" 

I stood there patiently, STILL standing there hoping that my turn would be soon. I believed their stories but it didn't change the fact that I'd still like to experience it for myself.  

Someone passes back by the line, they are stunned to see me still standing there. They ask, 

"You STILL want to ride this ride?"

"Aren't you getting a little old for this kind of stuff?" 

I reply with what feels like the last stitch of kindness, "Yes, YES in fact I do! Time doesn't erase a desire."    

You see, I've been patiently waiting in line and holding on to God's promises for 12 years. I know some who have been in line longer than me and some much less. But this is my experience and my story, the days are long when the disappointment and frustration is real.

These years have not been wasted, many times I've gotten out of line to experience a lot of amazing rides. Some of the most beautiful, exhilarating times that have changed my life forever and I am so glad I didn't miss them. 

But, this ride, this ride of pregnancy is one that was placed deep in my heart and something I've desired for many years. 

It's something that is effortless to so many and the deepest longing in the hearts of the few that wait. 

And so I wait...

May I wait well, asking God to give me the strength to keep standing when it seems all hope is lost. 

The humility to congratulate and celebrate others as they go ahead of me.

The endurance to not give up and trust God's timing.  

And most importantly the ears to hear His voice when He says it's time to step out of line, but until then, 

I wait here for my turn.  (or until the carnival closes.)   

Setting a New Expectation & Telling the Truth

Rogan stood in the kitchen just minutes before it was time to leave for school, he looked up at the counter where his Lego droid sat in toy prison (that's a robot type thing from Star Wars, in case I lost you there).

Out of the blue he said, "I'm going to tell William today that I forgot my Droid at home." I was so occupied with getting out the door, coat on, shoes on the correct feet, dogs out , etc that it almost didn't sink in what he was really saying. The night before he got it taken away as a consequence, and evidently that day at school he had told his little friend that he would bring it the following day and show him. But now that he didn't have it for 3 days he devised a plan and made up a reason as to why he wouldn't have it. I told him that wasn't the real reason and he could just tell his friend he got in trouble and got it taken away for a few days. The look on his face said it all and he started to panic saying there's no way he could tell him. I paused much longer now and got down to his level. "Buddy, it's no big deal. Just tell him the truth. Why don't you want to tell him that you got in trouble?" Of course his response was a shoulder shrug with a "I don't know". I waited and asked again.

"Why do you feel you can't be honest with him?"

And then reluctantly he responded with a quiet whisper,

"Because then he won't be my friend."

I quickly assured him that I'm sure that wouldn't scare his friend away. I pondered this the rest of the day because I too face this almost daily. Fearing that they won't accept me if I'm real. 

As grownups (and obviously as kids) it is painful and terrifying to be transparent. Putting our hearts out there and telling the truth even if it is over the simplest of things. We make excuses and build little white lies as to why we can't come to the party or why we did this or didn't do that. The truth is scary and even more so when we don't get a response we had hoped for. Often times I get wrapped up in trying to please others and not letting them down. If I could just stop and ask myself why it matters so much. What's the worst that's gonna happen? They won't like me? Come on! That's about as silly as the conversation with my 6 year old this morning.

So what if we were all a little more honest? Not like airing all our dirty laundry for the whole world to see or sharing every detail. But being real enough to say, "yea today was stressful getting out of the house for the weekend and my husband and I were fighting before our romantic anniversary weekend." (Yes, that totally just happened) 

Being brave enough to say that you too have picked your kid up late from school or lost your cool and yelled or.... (Fill in the blank.) We all have those not so pretty moments, those times when we should probably have our most beloved toy put in prison.

Why are we so afraid to admit weakness and the fact that we don't have it all together? Some days I share the not so pretty truth easily and quickly. The words no sooner leave my lips and I am spooked because being honest and vulnerable is quite scary.

So why do I keep doing it, and why was it so important for Rogan to tell his friend the truth (other than the obvious reason to not lie)?

Because I believe that when we are vulnerable and brave we pave a path encouraging others to do the same. In doing so it drops the expectations that we must have it all together. Whether they follow or not, it is worth it, it may be what sets them free. 


The story ended well. Rogan said he needed my help to tell his friend why he didn't bring the Lego to school, so we did it together. I will admit I was laughing a little on the inside because this little kindergartner was looking at Rogan and I like we were going to tell him his dog died. To Rogan it was that serious. All was right with the world when his friend responded with a simple, "Oh, okay."

I realize it isn't always this easy to tell the truth and also that not everyone is a safe person but I thought this innocent example from a 6 year old served well to remind me how ridiculous I am at times and that being real is important. 

Let's be brave and real, showing others that it's okay to not be perfect. 

Thanks for reading friends.