Still Being Still

"All you need for me to be is Still. And know that you are God. Be still. And trust that you, and trust that you are... parting waters, making a way for me, your'e moving mountains that I can't even see. You've answered my prayers before I even speak. All you need for me to be is Still." 

I sing along to Hilary Scott's beautiful words as I drive home from dropping Rogan off at school. 

I think about what it means to be still and I say to God, "but I am and have been for a really long time". It's as if I don't know what else to do anymore, just simply BE, it's all you can do sometimes when life circles back around and you find yourself in a familiar place.

I am forced to remember the words I wrote over three years ago when I hear the word Still. 

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"Mama, will you grow me a baby in your tummy?"

I swallow hard fighting back the tears as my stomach flip flops. I knew this day would come, yet I still don't feel ready to answer. I reach down deep, quickly asking that God give me the words and the courage to answer this question that I don't even know the answer to.

"Buddy, Mama can't grow a baby in her tummy."

He so graciously accepts the answer and moves on to another thought, another question. I figure a four year old doesn't need to hear the long drawn out answer of, "Doctors say there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and they're baffled as much as we are that it hasn't happened in nine years of trying."

Instead I use this question as a great opportunity to explain to him that a beautiful girl grew him in her belly and gave him to us as a gift. And once again he accepts this as normal and seems content with my answer. If only I could be as resilient as he is and accept the answers of the unkown.

Some time passes, most randomly the question is asked again. Only this time we are driving and he asks me quite specifically if I will grow him a baby brother in my tummy.

I choose to reply this time with "I'm not sure if I can, but I sure would if I could". I proceed to tell him that it's really up to God, not really my decision. He then asks if we can pray...
Who is this kid anyway?! I am pushed to make a choice to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I've prayed about this countless times, but I know that I can forever take this desire to God.
So I drive and pray (with my eyes open of course). I ask God for me to be able to grow a baby brother or sister in my tummy (such raw and honest words requested by a four year old). I can't say I've ever phrased it quite like this before. He corrected me half way through and said, "No, a baby brother, not a sister!" I guess we better be specific while requesting things, right? We finish and he says, "Ok, great now it will happen."
And my heart drops again. Back to praying we go...

"God, may your will be done. You see our hearts and our desires. But you know what's best and having another baby may not be your will and we accept that. We trust you. We trust you God."

He's content, we drive home. My heart is raw once again. Just about the time I feel closure with all of this something is stirred and my heart is ripped wide open AGAIN!

Have you ever said something (or worse, prayed something) and later you have to eat your words?

Not two hours passed and I was eating those very words as a friend told me of her recent pregnancy. I'm happy for them and their blossoming family. Yet my heart aches to be able to give my child what so many mothers give their children with ease... siblings. The words rang out in my head as I hung up the phone and reality sank in.

 

I'm standing here...STILL. 

Still Standing Here. 

People are passing me by on every side. I have seriously heard of five new pregnancies in just the last month. And with every one I swallow hard, smile and congratulate them. But inside another piece of my heart breaks.

God, I trust you. I TRUST You God. You know what is best for me, for our family.

I write these words not to get sympathy or pity. I risk a lot by typing these words out. I risk people tip toeing around me and sheltering me. Friends trying to protect me. I risk these things for the hope that someone is reading this that is going through a similar situation.

You are not alone friend! Even though it may feel like it, every one around you is NOT pregnant. I have muttered those words many times, (everyone is pregnant!) then I'm quickly reminded of people I love struggling with the same thing.

Regardless of what we are longing for (a spouse, a home, a job) it can be easy to think everyone else is getting what we want when there is nothing but silence from our heartfelt cry and desire.  

I was reading a friend's blog earlier this week. She writes about how she finds comfort in 
Psalm 130

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (vs 5-7)

I put my trust in Him. I don't trust myself or my desires. I don't trust people or their opinions on what I should do.

All I have to do is Trust God! Easier said than done. But I will strive a little more each day to trust Him more.

(As these questions and requests still come at me I am reminded that I am not the one in control. My 4 year old is now 7 1/2 and he still asks for a baby brother or sister, in these moments I am challenged on how I will respond. Even though it isn't always easy I am grateful for the opportunity to talk about the gift of adoption and the crazy road of trusting God. Like the song I was singing in the car, He is moving mountains that I can't see and that is what I hold on to.)   

Where We've Been

Recently I learned of a photographer that was doing a special series about marriage. She was looking for three married couples all ranging in years married and soon to be celebrating an anniversary. She wrote in her blog about why she was doing this and how she is intrigued about each person's story, the highs and lows, the hard times...

"I want to document a life that's been made together. I want to photograph monogamy at its finest. I want to hear about the hardest thing, the biggest hump, that time you almost walked away, that time you came back, that uphill struggle, that pile of bills, those kids getting hurt and being sick or laughing at Dad or painting with Mom." -Laurken with Jolie Vue Photography

A tear rolled down my cheek as I finished reading because I saw our story written all over this. Like anytime I'm about to do something scary my hands started to sweat and my heart picked up the pace. "What am I doing?!" I thought, but oh well, here it goes. So I sat down and thought about us, about the highlights and the lowest lows, there are the obvious big mountains and then there are the times in between where we are coasting. And so, in light of our 16 year anniversary today I thought I would share with you all what I wrote to her. I don't expect to be selected but really, it's okay because what came from it was much better. Like always, words and writing help me to process and see reality more clearly. Sometimes I carry on in survival mode and forget to appreciate the hard work or see the beauty in the chaos. 

Here is what I wrote:   

"When I think about how I would write to you or how to sum up our journey, it has caused me to reflect and appreciate what my husband and I have been through and especially this past year. I'm not sure where to start and I don't want to bore you to death with every detail.
Here is a blog post I wrote a couple years ago and this is where it all started for us. The guy in the red Chevy pickup 

We brought a lot of baggage into our marriage as I mentioned in the post. The first 5 years of marriage were basically just rebuilding and trying to learn new tools, taking classes at our church and going to counseling. And then we decided to start a family. Gung ho and ready we "tried". Month after month passed and still no baby. The next 5 years we found ourselves getting fertility procedures and tests done all the while our friends are effortlessly getting pregnant. I sunk into deep depression and despite my husband's frustration with not being able to fix it he never gave up hope. I remember standing in our garage one day at my wits ends, crying and telling him I give up. He just looked up at me at said, "It's going to happen for us, I know. God is going to bless us with a baby." I didn't believe him but he stayed strong clinging to Faith for me when I couldn't. (You can read more about our adoption journey here).
Fast forward now to last year, we have an amazing 5 year old son that is a beaming light of God's love and provisions. 

Life is good, we were blessed with a humble little home on a few acres which has always been our dream, our son is getting to the age where he can go along hunting and hiking and adventuring with us. Yet my heart still ached for pregnancy and a baby. The 10 year mark had hit for "trying" and I found myself grieving the loss of not becoming pregnant still. We felt the pressures of it all on our family but especially on our marriage more than ever. I'm not sure why other than the nagging repetition of the same pain over and over for so long. We feared for our marriage, and knew that if we didn't get help, talk to some trusted friends and get new tools that we may not endure much longer.

I can't say that it's all peachy but I can say that after many honest heartfelt talks, tears shed and getting back to the things that fill us up we are happy. Like happy to be together just burning brush on our property or being together in the shop working on projects. God is so good and though I know my heart is not completely healed from the pain of infertility I can say that I have experienced a contentment and peace these past several months that I have prayed a very long time for. I trust that God knows what he is doing in our life and I look forward to spending many more years with my best friend."


Honestly, weeks have passed and I have forgotten about the photo session, it really isn't the focus. Rather, it has been on where we've been, what we have endured together, how we continue to find humor in the everyday stresses of life and look for hope in the unknowns ahead of us. 

So, on this 16th wedding anniversary we will celebrate the story and life we have lived together and continue finding adventure in it all.

Thank you to the friends who have walked by our side along the way and been such an important part of our relationship.