Waiting In Line

There's this ride at the carnival and I hear it's a really fantastic one. Some people talk about it like it's the scariest, most life changing thing they've ever experienced. 

I had always dreamed of the day and spent years planning. When the time came I bought a ticket and went to the carnival. There was so much anticipation and so much to look forward to. 

The line was long to this famous ride and people were giddy over it. I found my place at the back of the line. I was a little nervous as I fidgeted there, I just didn't know what to expect. People walked by and told me that it can take a really long time but it's worth it. 

They said things like, "Don't worry, you've got time, just relax." And so, I patiently waited. 

As the wait grew longer my feet started getting tired and the sun beat down on my face. I started getting discouraged and questioning if it was worth it. I watched the ride spin 'round and 'round, all the while becoming more anxious. 

I imagined how it would feel. Would I love it or would I be sick the whole time? 

A couple times I got all the way to the front of the line, my turn was so close I could taste it. My stomach started to turn, I even felt all the symptoms and feelings that others described.

I stood in the shadows as girls giggled and shared their experiences about how great the ride was and how much fun they had. I longed to know what they were talking about. 

I stood there watching as it was her turn. She stepped up to be seated, she was about to experience it for the first time. All her friends were cheering for her and planning a huge celebration for afterwards.

I stood there unnoticed as some were able to walk right to the front of the line, not waiting at all.   

As people were getting off the ride they were laughing and sharing their stories. Each one had a slightly different experience but they all had one thing in common, they each had a turn. 

My anticipation grew with each passing hour and I just couldn't wait to experience it for myself.

A passerby stopped to warn me, "You don't want to ride that ride, it will just make you sick. It made me sick... be glad you haven't had a turn." 

"Maybe it will", I said, "but I'd like to decide that for myself even if I am sick." 

Another person stepped off the ride exclaiming, "Oh that's the greatest thing ever! I can't wait to do it all over again!" 

I stood there patiently, STILL standing there hoping that my turn would be soon. I believed their stories but it didn't change the fact that I'd still like to experience it for myself.  

Someone passes back by the line, they are stunned to see me still standing there. They ask, 

"You STILL want to ride this ride?"

"Aren't you getting a little old for this kind of stuff?" 

I reply with what feels like the last stitch of kindness, "Yes, YES in fact I do! Time doesn't erase a desire."    

You see, I've been patiently waiting in line and holding on to God's promises for 12 years. I know some who have been in line longer than me and some much less. But this is my experience and my story, the days are long when the disappointment and frustration is real.

These years have not been wasted, many times I've gotten out of line to experience a lot of amazing rides. Some of the most beautiful, exhilarating times that have changed my life forever and I am so glad I didn't miss them. 

But, this ride, this ride of pregnancy is one that was placed deep in my heart and something I've desired for many years. 

It's something that is effortless to so many and the deepest longing in the hearts of the few that wait. 

And so I wait...

May I wait well, asking God to give me the strength to keep standing when it seems all hope is lost. 

The humility to congratulate and celebrate others as they go ahead of me.

The endurance to not give up and trust God's timing.  

And most importantly the ears to hear His voice when He says it's time to step out of line, but until then, 

I wait here for my turn.  (or until the carnival closes.)   

Is It Real?

        "Satisfy all my longings and fill all my hollow places with your love." 

Out of context it may sound strange but this is a sentence from a prayer I (try to) pray every morning, asking God to fill the discontentment in me, something I seem to struggle with often. 

I think it's in all human beings. The belief that we will finally be satisfied when we find the perfect spouse or job, when we buy a house, become pregnant, vacation someplace tropical, the list could go on with all the things that we think will finally settle us. That which will make us happy. I know that none of these things will ever truly fill that void in my heart, although they can bring some joy to my life. I believe we can and should ask God specifically for the things we desire, and sometimes He answers those prayers specifically. But, sometimes He doesn't. That is a fact. What if years of prayers go unanswered? Does this mean that we can never really be at peace or experience joy in our life? 

Several years into our infertility journey I began to ask that God would take away the desire for me to become pregnant if it wasn't in His will. My heart cry changed from one of request to one of "please just give me a peace." A contentment that comes despite circumstances changing can't be explained or forced. I had tried so many times to surrender and do the right thing, yet the emptiness remained. 


I stepped up to the microphone at church on Thanksgiving Sunday. My hands were sweating and I was shaking straight through my body. I knew I had to share because my heart started to pound out of my chest sitting in my chair. God had changed something in my heart just months prior, the miracle of contentment and peace. I said, "We have prayed for over 10 years for something and He has not answered that prayer, I have also asked for Him to give me a peace regardless of His answer. For years I have prayed this way and today I can say that I am thankful because I feel a true contentment and at peace with this journey He has us on. I am okay with His answer, after all these years I can finally say it's okay." 



Anyone who has faithfully waited for something for years knows that a peace that passes all understanding is just as refreshing as the wish coming true. To be able to look at the day ahead of me and feel hope and excitement is nothing that can be achieved in a formula. Making a choice of surrender regardless of how I feel is something I strive for. But sometimes it takes awhile for the feelings to catch up to my choice. I don't always feel great after doing the right thing. It's in those times that I am reminded that peace also comes in His perfect timing.  

I kept quiet with this new found contentment afraid to share it with anyone until that Sunday morning in church. In my pessimistic thinking I just knew that as soon as I admitted peace I would get hit with the baby blues. And guess what? I did. For some reason Christmas has a way of bringing up so much emotion. Grieving the loss of pregnancy is still fresh and being surrounded by pregnant friends and those planning for it has a way of slowly distracting me. The blues crept back in so subtle and before I knew it the ugliness of discontentment was making its home in my heart. 

The peace wasn't real... I knew it! 

"So do not through away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I am familiar with this verse but something stood out very different to me when I opened up my Bible and embraced God's truth concerning my recent struggle. There is a wonderful true peace only He can give and 

It Is Real!  

It's so easy to get wrapped up in my selfish desires, entitlement, bad attitude, laziness and pride. All of those things push me further from God and before I know it I'm on a downward spiral of comparing and chasing cheap replacements. 

"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  John 14:27

He gives peace, freely. He does not take it away or trick me. So maybe in those times I feel burdened with the void and wrestling with my discontent I should look first at where I'm turning for fulfillment. The truth is there waiting for me, the question is, will I listen for it. And so I will continue to embrace the peace He has given me. I know everyday won't feel good, but the truth remains... He is faithful to give me all I need. 

May we each find encouragement on the path we are on, whether prayers are answered the way we had hoped or whether we are being called to wait. Either way, He can and will give you a peace and the grace it takes to endure. He just asks that we draw close to Him, because on our own we are empty and discontent.