Where We've Been

Recently I learned of a photographer that was doing a special series about marriage. She was looking for three married couples all ranging in years married and soon to be celebrating an anniversary. She wrote in her blog about why she was doing this and how she is intrigued about each person's story, the highs and lows, the hard times...

"I want to document a life that's been made together. I want to photograph monogamy at its finest. I want to hear about the hardest thing, the biggest hump, that time you almost walked away, that time you came back, that uphill struggle, that pile of bills, those kids getting hurt and being sick or laughing at Dad or painting with Mom." -Laurken with Jolie Vue Photography

A tear rolled down my cheek as I finished reading because I saw our story written all over this. Like anytime I'm about to do something scary my hands started to sweat and my heart picked up the pace. "What am I doing?!" I thought, but oh well, here it goes. So I sat down and thought about us, about the highlights and the lowest lows, there are the obvious big mountains and then there are the times in between where we are coasting. And so, in light of our 16 year anniversary today I thought I would share with you all what I wrote to her. I don't expect to be selected but really, it's okay because what came from it was much better. Like always, words and writing help me to process and see reality more clearly. Sometimes I carry on in survival mode and forget to appreciate the hard work or see the beauty in the chaos. 

Here is what I wrote:   

"When I think about how I would write to you or how to sum up our journey, it has caused me to reflect and appreciate what my husband and I have been through and especially this past year. I'm not sure where to start and I don't want to bore you to death with every detail.
Here is a blog post I wrote a couple years ago and this is where it all started for us. The guy in the red Chevy pickup 

We brought a lot of baggage into our marriage as I mentioned in the post. The first 5 years of marriage were basically just rebuilding and trying to learn new tools, taking classes at our church and going to counseling. And then we decided to start a family. Gung ho and ready we "tried". Month after month passed and still no baby. The next 5 years we found ourselves getting fertility procedures and tests done all the while our friends are effortlessly getting pregnant. I sunk into deep depression and despite my husband's frustration with not being able to fix it he never gave up hope. I remember standing in our garage one day at my wits ends, crying and telling him I give up. He just looked up at me at said, "It's going to happen for us, I know. God is going to bless us with a baby." I didn't believe him but he stayed strong clinging to Faith for me when I couldn't. (You can read more about our adoption journey here).
Fast forward now to last year, we have an amazing 5 year old son that is a beaming light of God's love and provisions. 

Life is good, we were blessed with a humble little home on a few acres which has always been our dream, our son is getting to the age where he can go along hunting and hiking and adventuring with us. Yet my heart still ached for pregnancy and a baby. The 10 year mark had hit for "trying" and I found myself grieving the loss of not becoming pregnant still. We felt the pressures of it all on our family but especially on our marriage more than ever. I'm not sure why other than the nagging repetition of the same pain over and over for so long. We feared for our marriage, and knew that if we didn't get help, talk to some trusted friends and get new tools that we may not endure much longer.

I can't say that it's all peachy but I can say that after many honest heartfelt talks, tears shed and getting back to the things that fill us up we are happy. Like happy to be together just burning brush on our property or being together in the shop working on projects. God is so good and though I know my heart is not completely healed from the pain of infertility I can say that I have experienced a contentment and peace these past several months that I have prayed a very long time for. I trust that God knows what he is doing in our life and I look forward to spending many more years with my best friend."


Honestly, weeks have passed and I have forgotten about the photo session, it really isn't the focus. Rather, it has been on where we've been, what we have endured together, how we continue to find humor in the everyday stresses of life and look for hope in the unknowns ahead of us. 

So, on this 16th wedding anniversary we will celebrate the story and life we have lived together and continue finding adventure in it all.

Thank you to the friends who have walked by our side along the way and been such an important part of our relationship.