A Different Mountain Top

There have been seasons in my life that have felt much like a mountain top experience. One major time is right after we adopted Rogan, I was tired of my unhealthy way of eating, so Mike and I made some drastic changes to our lifestyle. We began to experience a new way of life together by eating healthy and running. I saw results both physically and mentally from pushing myself hard, gaining sore muscles and a smaller jean size. It felt good, I felt victorious.

And so when I started thinking about my 40th birthday 6 months ago and deciding what I wanted to do to make my birthday memorable and special I immediately thought I should sign up for a race and start running again.

It was the thing that worked for a season in my life and I expected it to recapture that satisfaction... that mountain top experience.

The problem is, it's not what I needed or what direction my life was going. Instead I was experiencing extreme fatigue, depression and feelings of despair. Every time I would try and push myself to go for a run I would spend days recovering and feel even worse.

I started seeing doctors and asking questions, and learned what I really needed was rest and a new way of self care. Rather than pushing harder I was learning (and accepting) that Yoga and walks gave me the exercise I needed without hurting my body and causing stress. I started taking supplements to replenish areas I was extremely deficient in and focusing on eating the right foods to give me energy. I found the importance in setting aside time for rest after a busy weekend though is seems like a minor change it is just the grace I needed to extend to myself.  

So when 40 approached I got sucked in to my old habits momentarily and what this world says I should do. For just a moment I thought, "Oh, I wish I was feeling like a rock star in those jeans or conquering a really hard race (heck, any race). Or maybe I should go get a facial or a new hairstyle to feel younger." But instead, I caught myself and recognized that old way of thinking, the way that leaves me exhausted and never satisfied.


Listening to my body, taking time and being a little more gentle with myself. Being okay to let people down and say no. Admitting that I am weak and I need time to rest.

This is where I am currently and though it's not very glamorous or shiny it is what I'm Choosing.

These things are what have been leading up to this big day... this monumental birthday. 

Most days it doesn't feel victorious or wonderful. But this is what makes me glad for a new decade before me, this is what drives me. Learning to be still and rest is not the same as doing nothing. It is focusing on the best things. It is being available when someone is in need, taking the time to sit and listen to my 94 year old Grandpa's stories and making a meal for a friend. Listening to what God is asking of me and knowing that it IS enough.

The past ten years consisted of some of the greatest blessing I could ask for as well as some of the greatest disappointment and heartache. I look back and realize I spent all of my thirties trying to get pregnant... that's a long time! So much surrender, hoping, trying, striving and disappointment. And though, I'm by no means saying I'm at complete peace with it all or giving up on the dream of having more kids I can say that I am ready to face these next ten years with new perspective.

Forty doesn't look like I had always imagined or what the world says it should be. And truly that doesn't matter. My "top of the mountain" experience is simply one of rest, stillness and letting my body heal. It's a process of learning to leave behind the trying, striving and proving. 

I am okay to be here, right here at this place welcoming the year ahead of me. 

May I be obedient to where God is calling me whether it be on a mountain top or in a valley.