Bring Your Part

I heard IT for the first time at the Writer's conference I attended recently. It was something I have thought, but not anything I had ever heard verbalized. An author and speaker, Emily Freeman spoke of the lies we tell ourselves and the fears that paralyze us. To hear her admit that she too has felt this way and then to look around the room at all the nodding heads, I realized I was not alone.

The lie: "Someone else has already done it (wrote a book) and probably better than I could."

I wanted to jump up out of my seat and shout, "Me too, I feel that way too!" I assure you, I didn't humiliate myself like that. But I have often felt this way. There is someone else already writing a book or a blog and who am I to follow in those footsteps. The one main theme I took from the conference was this - tell your story and be your own person. Yes, maybe someone already has done it (guaranteed they have) but that doesn't mean I can't still bring what I have to offer. It will be different and it will be unique, because each of us have a different story. 

Almost one month later I walk into a room filled with other artists. I look around, forcing a smile because I really just want to wipe my sweaty hands on my pants and run out the door. It is my turn to introduce myself to a room full of strangers and tell them what I make. I hold up my hands and show them the leather bracelet and cuff I am wearing, giving a brief description of what I do. As the introductions continue I soon find that I am not the only one in the room that works with leather. And by the time the meeting came to a close the feelings of doubt began to creep in.Thoughts like, "what am I doing, this girl is surely more creative than me....who do I think I am... an artist, ya right!" As I drove home I remembered those words. 

Someone else has probably already done it... and better. 

Pick almost any big feat or dream I'm facing and someone else has most likely gone before me. 

But, better? By whose standards? 

If I look at this with a worldly view I could certainly build a case as to how I don't measure up. I could compare and compete. Vow to do better with marketing and networking, set goals, reach for the stars! And while all those things are good in a successful business, I need to remind myself not to lose sight of what God has called me to do. 

"I don't need my name in lights, I'm famous in my Father's eyes. Make no mistake He knows my name. I'm not living for applause, I'm already so adored. It's all His stage, He knows my name".-Francesca Battistelli

The words to one of my favorite songs plays over in my head and I wish so badly I didn't connect so much with it. I love it and relate to it because it is a struggle. I do want my name in lights. 

Yes, I want to be known. (guilty confession) Don't we all though? To be recognized and applauded? To do well in this life? 

It's pretty great that God knows my name, and He adores me. I do believe I could work on this for the rest of my life. To grasp tightly and remember my identity in Him every day in the little things and so very importantly during those times of great risk and vulnerability. 


But there's also something so applicable for me to do every day. Not only does writing and creating bring life to me and give me such clarity and purpose, it is also My Part. The job, the life, the mission God has called me to. Little as it may be, it is mine. It may not be in lights, it may not be on stage and it may go completely unnoticed. 

So when I start to feel small and insignificant sitting in a room full of artists and authors with tremendous talent surrounding me. I will chose to remember that it's not about going where no man has gone before or being better. It is simply about bringing my part. 

My words to the page.

My style to the ordinary cuff.

My encouragement to a friend.

So what if there is a thousand other people bringing the exact same thing to the table. Even though it may look like there are multiple leather workers and a room full of authors and bloggers, we aren't all the same. If I focus strictly on what God is asking of me then it really shouldn't matter if she is better than me or more talented. Maybe she is. 

But what difference does it make because I don't need my name in lights...

I just need to bring my part. 

When Less is More

I am a spontaneous person. I love the surprises and last minute, spur the moment trips. Some of my best memories are ones that weren't planned and over thought.  

This past week during spring break we took a trip to the beach. Our plan was to just go for the day, find someplace to eat and let the kid and dogs run on the beach. When we set out that was my only expectation, to go for the day. That is until we got there. We made a trip to the ocean, ate lunch and then it began to rise in me. That spontaneity. That urge. What if... we just found a cheap hotel (that happily accepted two dogs...HA!), ran to the store and bought three toothbrushes and stayed the night!?

How fun. How exciting. How spontaneous.

We entertained the thought for a little bit, searched a couple hotels, and thought about what was planned for the following day. Mike was kind enough to give the green light even though it goes against his planning personality. But the more we thought about it (and all the extra cost) we decided to be responsible and stick to our plan. 

So we went to the beach one last time, letting the dogs run and Rogan dig in the sand. Then we loaded into our car, tired, wind blown and headed home. We drank the water and ate the snacks I had packed and when we pulled into the driveway I was quite surprised how happy and content I felt. 

Sometimes I think I get trapped in the cycle of consuming and wanting more. While spontaneity runs through my blood so does discontentment. It was like someone was whispering in my ear that day, "This is fun, but it could be even better if we stayed the night, ate out one more time and bought a new hoodie." 

Consumption! Gimme more please! 

The tune of my week seemed to be self discipline and I got a great opportunity to practice it. I don't plan to give up my spontaneous adventurous self, yet I also don't want to buy into the lie that I must do grandiose things to have fun. I started to justify in my mind that this is my personality...really? Or was it simply discontentment? 



To deny the desires of my greedy heart felt surprisingly good. Maybe not in the moment, but the next day as we ate breakfast and enjoyed a lazy morning I felt a sense of 'this is good'. This is enough!




Maybe a little discipline isn't so bad after all. Contentment followed close behind the decision to live simply and I felt quite victorious in the end. 

To say no to that restlessness inside me and resist the urge to grasp for one more thing. 

I must say, it encourages me to remember that sometimes less truly is more. 

Thank you for reading. May you find enjoyment and contentment in everything today. Whether is be simple, extravagant or spontaneous.    

When It Wears You Down

"...My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

I toss down a book from one of my favorite authors, a book that I have been devouring and loving. 

It's my bath tub book, you know the perfect read after a long day. Full of short stories, some lighthearted and others deep, causing me to contemplate. I set it down about a month ago and couldn't bear to pick it back up because of what my eyes scanned in the next chapter. Baby talk! She started by saying her friend is pregnant and she is just so happy for her. I rolled my eyes and said, really it's in my face here too!?  I have surfed through so many waves of 'everyone is pregnant' over the years that I figure by now it shouldn't bother me. But it does because as much as I hate to admit it, I still want to be pregnant. Approaching forty and a decade later, it stills haunts me. 

Whether I try and be resilient or pretend it doesn't bother me, either way it wears me down. The constant reminder every month that I don't get to share pregnancy news, due dates, doctor appointments and big cute bellies. 

Longing and waiting has a way of making the heart grow weary. 

When I finally decided to keep reading the book I had a clenched jaw and a bad attitude. But I couldn't skip that chapter, it just didn't seem right, so I tried to read as surface as possible. Guarding my heart and taking it in as information only. It didn't take me long to see that I was very wrong about the content of this chapter. It was actually about the very thing I have recently been facing. Shauna Niequist in her recent book Bread & Wine boldly and courageously wrote about her aching heart and how she is tired of friends telling her of their pregnancy news with dread because they don't want to hurt her. I related so deeply when I read these words,

"I found myself believing that all my left-out, broken-down, fragile, ugly feelings would vanish the second I saw the all-important line on the pregnancy test." 

My clenched jaw dropped and my heart was instantly softened. As a tear rolled down my cheek I felt understood and not so alone. She took the words out of my mouth, the words I myself have written about and shared over the years, but now I was looking at them in front of me printed on a page... in a book! I was encouraged and I wasn't even looking for it. 

When I chose to crack that book open, I risked being hurt, but I also opened myself up to the very thing God wanted me to hear. That He has not forgotten me, He cares even if his plans are different than mine. 

To be vulnerable meant I could receive what I so desperately needed. 

I stand here holding two things. In one hand I hold and see all the beautiful blessings in my life. Mike and Rogan, a good job that provides, a home, friends... the list could go on. So many things in my life to be grateful for and celebrate everyday. And I do! But that doesn't mean there aren't still longings. In the other hand I hold years of waiting, unfulfilled desires, hopes and shattered dreams. 

I just can't bring myself to ignore one. It seems unfair to the other. To focus on only one would be living in denial of the other, a lopsided way of thinking. 

But to honestly admit and accept that in this life I can celebrate God's goodness yet be okay to still long for and desire something more. It isn't tidy and perfect and it certainly doesn't fit into a plan. In fact it is all very much out of my plan and my control. 

So what do I do with it? Because if I stand here and wrestle trying to hold both of these in my hands on my own, I grow tired, bitter, angry. 

Jesus said, " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

Is it really that simple? 

As I've experienced this week, I believe it is. It doesn't solve everything, but I feel less weight on my shoulders when I make myself vulnerable to Him and allow Him to carry me. Though it may not ever be "my turn", it is in these moments I feel a peace that no matter the outcome He can and will use me. He sees my struggles and loves me anyway. 

And that seems to be enough, at least for today. Who knows, tomorrow I may feel differently but for now I will celebrate the peace I feel despite the pain and uncertainty. 

(I pray that whatever burden you are carrying today, that you too would experience His Peace and rest for your soul. Thank you for reading friends.) 

Seeing Above the Fog

If you live in Oregon or have spent any amount of time here it is no secret that winters aren't very cheery with the rain and gray skies. I have always been one to buck the system a bit and proudly admit that I love the rain and all that comes with the cold dreary season. That is, until the sun comes out and I realize how much the weather really was affecting my mood.

Lately we have had crazy weather with a mix of cold, wet fog and warm sunny skies and that all depends on what town you are in. Some places you can barely see 20 ft in front of you and others it feels as if Spring is in full swing.

There is a reality that the sun gives us a more clear outlook on life, we feel better, move more, and are generally happier. But in addition to the benefits of vitamin D, I see a great analogy with this fog and sun when applied to seasons in my life. 

. . . . .

It was just a year ago that Mike and I said to each other for the millionth time how we would love a little piece of property, some space to call our own. It seemed impossible, truly. I remember sitting at our dining room table one afternoon writing (or at least trying to), I was staring out the window and imagining what it would be like to see further than the fence 6 feet away. So I ran a quick search for houses in our area. I came across one that seemed just perfect, there was a big yard and flower beds and lots of trees. Spontaneously that night we all hopped in the pickup to take a look...little did we know we had just taken the first step. Turns out we met our Realtor and even though that house wasn't the one for us, it was the one that inspired us to take another step toward something we had always dreamed of.

Most of this journey reminds me a lot of the blinding fog. We couldn't see around the next bend or the exact outcome. Just like driving home in the fog a couple nights ago. It was dark and so thick we only knew where we were on a back country road due to landmarks. We crept along at a snails pace because we couldn't see further than the hood of our car. This past year felt the same way, there were days when we didn't know what was next or how it would all turn out. We couldn't see far enough ahead to plan every detail. At times, it was just plain scary. But God wasn't worried. He saw it all from a different perspective, He knew the sun was on the other side of that fog.  

He just asked one thing from us, to get in the car and drive. To trust Him, and believe that He had something perfect for us. With much work and many steps later here we are, our house sold quick and we lived a great adventure last Summer. I can't even believe we have been in our place 6 months now. Living in the sun!

As much as I wish it was, life isn't always a formula and a perfect time table. Sometimes it seems easier to do something, anything. To take a step of action. Yet the fog lingers for much longer than I'd like. Seasons where being content and still are the "steps of faith". Seasons where I get in the car and start to drive and God lovingly turns me around and says now is not the time. 

But then, there are those moments when it IS God's perfect timing and all He asks is that we take one step in a direction. He guides us through that thick damp depressing fog and suddenly the skies burst open and we find our self in a whole new world. 

A whole new world.


With the blue skies and warm sun comes hope and a reminder of what is above the fog. Beauty beyond what the eye can see. Plans for our life greater than we can ever imagine.

He sees.

He knows. 

He has great plans for us and they are not to stay in the fog!

So when areas of my life remain in the fog, I will remember and keep this bright blue sky as a visual of God's faithfulness. 

Whatever fog you find yourself in today, may you not give up. Keep driving, keep trusting, because that warm sun IS above the fog. Thank you for reading. 

When Living Your Story Isn't Easy

Story

I believe it is important and I'm all for it. I stamp the words "Your Story Matters" and "Tell Your Story" on cuffs and I enjoy books that emphasize living your story well and embracing it. Most days I wear my story proud, the not so pretty chapters and the great ones. Some bursting with joy and others overflowing with brokenness. Even where I don't see explanations,  I DO see glimpses of where God has brought me out the other side.

But there are the days... the days that I despise my story. Not all of it but certainly chapters and parts. The parts that make me fragile and make certain situations painful and heartbreaking. 

When suddenly I find myself in a new chapter, one that has familiarity yet still cuts like it did the first time. I want more than anything to be reading different words on the page, not because the words are bad, but because the words hurt and I don't want them to hurt anymore.  

It's times like this that living out your story doesn't feel very heroic or great, rather frustrating and painful. 

If only I could skip a few pages ahead, get a little insight maybe it would hurt less... Or would it? Would a reason or an end in sight help? The me that wants to take the easy road says YES. The bratty little kid in me that gets tired of character building and growth wants to scream out and skip past these chapters. 

Maybe the best way to survive these 'less than pretty chapters' is to just BE. 

Be real and honest, while surrounding myself with friends who hug extra long because they know there are no words, pray and then pray some more. 

Be okay to come "To the end of myself" at the foot of the cross. It seems every time I return to this place (frequent as it may be) my senses are heightened. I appreciate the big trees and the clean cold air when I step out my backdoor to simply take out the garbage. I hear a song on the radio that is so familiar but this time it brings me to tears and moves my heart like never before. 

When I find myself in this place I am overcome with more gratitude than when life is coasting along. I remember the sweet chapter a few pages back where I was blessed to go to Guatemala and the chapter after that where we moved to this little piece of heaven. So many glorious chapters tucked on all sides of the painful ones, the nagging familiar ones and those that sneak up out of nowhere taking me by surprise.

So why is it that we try so hard to figure out the lesson that must come from the hurt or put a positive spin on it? Could it be because we want to be better grounded or a little more resilient than we actually are? 

Can't we just be okay to not be okay sometimes? To embrace blessing and life and joy and sweetness, yet fully admit that we are broken and hurting. 

I believe God is big enough to understand this dichotomy inside me. The utter and complete gratitude I have for all he has blessed me with but also an ache and a hole in my heart that goes unfulfilled. 

The unknown and silence.  

He understands (and that is good because I don't) that in this heart sits both, gratitude and pain. Love and hate for my story. It is not finished. The story goes on and with that there will be more glorious mind blowing chapters and there will be some where the pages have a few tear stains. 

Either way, it is my story, and I choose to be present through all chapters whether pretty or messy. 

May you find hope with whatever chapter you find yourself in today. 
Thank you for reading friends. 

We Really Aren't That Different

Some days it feels like so much effort to do what is good for my soul. To take a moment to write or have a little quiet time. Like clock work as soon as I sit down to collect my thoughts, I am interrupted. It seems there is ALWAYS someone that needs me or something that needs to be done. Currently I have our new addition, a 50 plus pound boxer laying across my lap. I love her already. She is sweet and fits into our family nicely, but she is needy. Just one more body that needs time and care. I literally had to peel her off me just to find a spot for my lap top. Prior to that I was being challenged by a 5 year old boy on whether or not nap was a good idea today, after a battle to eat his lunch. Then there is the dust on the TV stand across the living room that of course just now became noticeable and honestly, I have no idea what to write about because frankly my mind is mush. All I really want to do when I have a moment to myself is catch up on my new favorite show on Hulu and make a pumpkin pie.  

I really don't have a great epiphany to share and so often I only write when I have "something". It all feels a little chaotic lately and if I don't stop in my tracks and write down a deep thought then it leaves my head as soon as it enters. 

So after a not so pretty morning getting ready for school I dropped Rogan off late, mad at myself for not being more organized, mad at the dogs for not cooperating and just plain MAD! Frazzled and feeling like the worst Mom ever I left school and was blessed with an unexpected conversation with a close friend. She reassured me that I'm not crazy and not alone. I walked away with my shoulders rolled back and head held high, ready to face another battle. I must have crossed paths with half a dozen of my friends that morning and all the topics were the same, we are all a little wore out. We aren't that much different with what we face and struggle with. By having these conversations it brought light to a place that if left in the dark I fall into that wonderful game of comparing. 

Thoughts like...

She has it more together than I do and has three times as many kids, her outfit looks cute and she doesn't have bags under her allergy irritated eyes. She is so calm and peaceful with her kids and I'm sure they had devotions over a healthy well balanced breakfast this morning. 

For the umpteenth time I remind myself not to compare. We all have rough mornings whether we have teenagers, preschoolers, toddlers, four legged fur kids or we have an empty nest. 

We really aren't that different than the woman standing next to us, we all struggle, we all get frustrated and we all mess up. 

God so lovingly reminded me of this that morning earlier in the week. And as the week progressed I continued to embrace the chaos of multiple things fighting back. It still feels a bit crazy but in the midst I managed to grab some quiet time, dust the TV stand and make that pumpkin pie!

And the good news, we will always have another hectic morning trying to get out the door for a chance to do it just a little better. 

Happy weekend friends, may it be filled with some peaceful moments.  

Learning To Bend So I Don't Break

Across the road from our house is a forest of trees. There are many of them and when the wind blows it is truly phenomenal to watch as they bend and sway. Moving with such grace yet there is nothing delicate about them, they are strong and tall. 


There is something very magical that happens when the wind is just picking up. It starts somewhere far away and if you listen closely you can hear it move through the trees. It sounds like someone is driving around the bend on the gravel road but as you watch the trees they begin to sway one by one, and you realize it's simply the wind. It is truly breathtaking. 

I keep hearing the same thing this week, everywhere I turn. It's kind of like the wind moving through the trees, at first it is in the distance and then it becomes louder and  I figure maybe I should listen a little closer. 

The theme that I keep hearing is Listen, listen to the Holy Spirit and live in the flow of His will. Now, I know that "Living in the flow of the Holy Spirit" sounds a little foo foo la la to a lot of people and it's also a pretty big topic. But the tidbit, the applicable part I have picked up from this is one word... 

Surrender!

So often I have bristled at this word because it seems so un-achievable. Or I have done it and I don't see results, circumstances don't change. I have made it ceremonial. Like, "Okay God, here I go, are you watching? Because I am on my knees and I am surrendering this."
That might be a bit of an exaggeration. But seriously, even if my heart is in the right place and I surrender a big thing to him I feel like I didn't do it right when I continue to battle it.

As I am learning about the Holy Spirit in a class, listening to Sunday morning sermons or reading a book about being a better version of me, I keep hearing the same thing... 

Don't try to be better or work harder. 

But you see, this is what I do. I try the next thing, I work hard, I TRY. And if that doesn't work, I try harder. I forget to breathe, I force, I clench my jaw, I explode. And vow to try harder the next day. 

Surrender. Every. Little. Thing. I tend to save the word Surrender for the big stuff, the major life decisions. But what about all the little things? It really is simple, just not easy. 

Several years ago I was at  conference at our church, the pastor who was speaking said that every morning he prayed the same prayer, one he wrote specifically for himself and his struggles. It was eye opening to me to hear this because often I felt that God doesn't want to hear the same thing over and over or my prayers shouldn't be something I read or recite to him. His point was that by doing this we are inviting God into our lives daily and admitting that we can't do anything without him. I started by writing out a prayer that encompassed all the things I struggle with in a day. For example, "today I will not compare myself to others or be jealous of their circumstances..." For months I had this piece of paper taped to the inside of our coffee cupboard so it was the first thing I saw in the morning. I would stop and read it out loud before making my coffee. As ridiculous as it may sound, it helped me a lot. I now have it memorized and strive to pray it every morning. What it has taught me is that no matter what the days schedule is ahead of me, even if it seems manageable I still need him in it. Otherwise I am just tense and explosive.

Even on the days I remember to pray this prayer I find myself falling into those habits of trying to take the reins and controlling my life. But there is something different about the days that I verbalize my inability and ask God for help. It takes the expectation off of me and the weight from my shoulders. I seem to give myself more grace. I am no expert on surrender and I'm sure I will always be learning how to let go of more. But if I am asking God for help in every area (aka: surrendering) then everyday I will be shaped a little more into the person he has created me to be or learning to live by the power of the Holy Spirit. This word, it means something new to me. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic act to "Surrender".

It's daily, it's simple, it's what I need. 

On the big days and even on the easy days, I want to learn to bend and sway like the trees because like them if I don't surrender to the weight of the wind then I will break. 

Surrender, a picture of strength and beauty like the tall standing trees. May I embrace it everyday.