To the End of Myself

About 5 years ago I wrote a song expressing some of the pain I was feeling with infertility. It's pretty specific to the struggles that come with infertility. The chorus however can relate to just about anybody going through anything in this life. 

I was reminded today of the chorus as I was driving home pondering the events of the last couple weeks. I'm amazed at how God's words are timeless, they can apply over and over again throughout many seasons. 

"So I’m brought-

brought to the end of myself.

And I fall-

falling face down at your feet.

Offering nothing but brokenness.

For that’s all-

all I have left of me."

The last couple weeks have proven to me that I truly can't do it on my own. Quite honestly, life is kicking my butt! Nothing catastrophic, just the normal pressures of life. Sometimes I feel the everyday challenges can sneak up on me more than the gut wrenching pain of a really difficult season. Little things build and add up in my heart (and my shoulders because I forget to breathe) and next thing I know my veins are popping out of my neck when the dog runs me over to make it through the gate before me.  

This isn't the real issue, although it is irritating. The deeper issue is the pain building inside. The burdens I pack around, the chaos in my head.  

My heart hurts for loved ones dealing with really tough stuff.

I hurt from letting go of a ministry I love dearly and have known for so long. Trusting God in the next season of my life and where He wants to use me.

Admitting I'm wrong. 

Cleaning up poop and mud and puke.

Frustrations from misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

I think I'm taking things in stride. Picking up each one of these things and doing okay. 

And really, what I need most is to fall, fall face down at His Feet. Bring Him my brokenness (and in this instance), my chaos, my worry, my doubt. 

Admit to my Heavenly Father that I'm done, I'm at the end of myself. 

I believe that's what He desires most from us is to be at His feet and admit that we can't do it on our own. We don't necessarily need to be going through the worst of times to come to this place. Yet I think it's harder to come to him and admit weakness when life is going good. How quickly we can count more on our own abilities and strengths.

Ephesians 3:17 says, "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." 

It's always about being connected to Him. And you know what? That's fine by me. Because with Him I'm a much better version of myself. 

May you experience God's peace and love this week and enjoy the days leading up to Christmas. 

Thanks for reading.