When It Wears You Down

"...My ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

I toss down a book from one of my favorite authors, a book that I have been devouring and loving. 

It's my bath tub book, you know the perfect read after a long day. Full of short stories, some lighthearted and others deep, causing me to contemplate. I set it down about a month ago and couldn't bear to pick it back up because of what my eyes scanned in the next chapter. Baby talk! She started by saying her friend is pregnant and she is just so happy for her. I rolled my eyes and said, really it's in my face here too!?  I have surfed through so many waves of 'everyone is pregnant' over the years that I figure by now it shouldn't bother me. But it does because as much as I hate to admit it, I still want to be pregnant. Approaching forty and a decade later, it stills haunts me. 

Whether I try and be resilient or pretend it doesn't bother me, either way it wears me down. The constant reminder every month that I don't get to share pregnancy news, due dates, doctor appointments and big cute bellies. 

Longing and waiting has a way of making the heart grow weary. 

When I finally decided to keep reading the book I had a clenched jaw and a bad attitude. But I couldn't skip that chapter, it just didn't seem right, so I tried to read as surface as possible. Guarding my heart and taking it in as information only. It didn't take me long to see that I was very wrong about the content of this chapter. It was actually about the very thing I have recently been facing. Shauna Niequist in her recent book Bread & Wine boldly and courageously wrote about her aching heart and how she is tired of friends telling her of their pregnancy news with dread because they don't want to hurt her. I related so deeply when I read these words,

"I found myself believing that all my left-out, broken-down, fragile, ugly feelings would vanish the second I saw the all-important line on the pregnancy test." 

My clenched jaw dropped and my heart was instantly softened. As a tear rolled down my cheek I felt understood and not so alone. She took the words out of my mouth, the words I myself have written about and shared over the years, but now I was looking at them in front of me printed on a page... in a book! I was encouraged and I wasn't even looking for it. 

When I chose to crack that book open, I risked being hurt, but I also opened myself up to the very thing God wanted me to hear. That He has not forgotten me, He cares even if his plans are different than mine. 

To be vulnerable meant I could receive what I so desperately needed. 

I stand here holding two things. In one hand I hold and see all the beautiful blessings in my life. Mike and Rogan, a good job that provides, a home, friends... the list could go on. So many things in my life to be grateful for and celebrate everyday. And I do! But that doesn't mean there aren't still longings. In the other hand I hold years of waiting, unfulfilled desires, hopes and shattered dreams. 

I just can't bring myself to ignore one. It seems unfair to the other. To focus on only one would be living in denial of the other, a lopsided way of thinking. 

But to honestly admit and accept that in this life I can celebrate God's goodness yet be okay to still long for and desire something more. It isn't tidy and perfect and it certainly doesn't fit into a plan. In fact it is all very much out of my plan and my control. 

So what do I do with it? Because if I stand here and wrestle trying to hold both of these in my hands on my own, I grow tired, bitter, angry. 

Jesus said, " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

Is it really that simple? 

As I've experienced this week, I believe it is. It doesn't solve everything, but I feel less weight on my shoulders when I make myself vulnerable to Him and allow Him to carry me. Though it may not ever be "my turn", it is in these moments I feel a peace that no matter the outcome He can and will use me. He sees my struggles and loves me anyway. 

And that seems to be enough, at least for today. Who knows, tomorrow I may feel differently but for now I will celebrate the peace I feel despite the pain and uncertainty. 

(I pray that whatever burden you are carrying today, that you too would experience His Peace and rest for your soul. Thank you for reading friends.)