Seeing Above the Fog

If you live in Oregon or have spent any amount of time here it is no secret that winters aren't very cheery with the rain and gray skies. I have always been one to buck the system a bit and proudly admit that I love the rain and all that comes with the cold dreary season. That is, until the sun comes out and I realize how much the weather really was affecting my mood.

Lately we have had crazy weather with a mix of cold, wet fog and warm sunny skies and that all depends on what town you are in. Some places you can barely see 20 ft in front of you and others it feels as if Spring is in full swing.

There is a reality that the sun gives us a more clear outlook on life, we feel better, move more, and are generally happier. But in addition to the benefits of vitamin D, I see a great analogy with this fog and sun when applied to seasons in my life. 

. . . . .

It was just a year ago that Mike and I said to each other for the millionth time how we would love a little piece of property, some space to call our own. It seemed impossible, truly. I remember sitting at our dining room table one afternoon writing (or at least trying to), I was staring out the window and imagining what it would be like to see further than the fence 6 feet away. So I ran a quick search for houses in our area. I came across one that seemed just perfect, there was a big yard and flower beds and lots of trees. Spontaneously that night we all hopped in the pickup to take a look...little did we know we had just taken the first step. Turns out we met our Realtor and even though that house wasn't the one for us, it was the one that inspired us to take another step toward something we had always dreamed of.

Most of this journey reminds me a lot of the blinding fog. We couldn't see around the next bend or the exact outcome. Just like driving home in the fog a couple nights ago. It was dark and so thick we only knew where we were on a back country road due to landmarks. We crept along at a snails pace because we couldn't see further than the hood of our car. This past year felt the same way, there were days when we didn't know what was next or how it would all turn out. We couldn't see far enough ahead to plan every detail. At times, it was just plain scary. But God wasn't worried. He saw it all from a different perspective, He knew the sun was on the other side of that fog.  

He just asked one thing from us, to get in the car and drive. To trust Him, and believe that He had something perfect for us. With much work and many steps later here we are, our house sold quick and we lived a great adventure last Summer. I can't even believe we have been in our place 6 months now. Living in the sun!

As much as I wish it was, life isn't always a formula and a perfect time table. Sometimes it seems easier to do something, anything. To take a step of action. Yet the fog lingers for much longer than I'd like. Seasons where being content and still are the "steps of faith". Seasons where I get in the car and start to drive and God lovingly turns me around and says now is not the time. 

But then, there are those moments when it IS God's perfect timing and all He asks is that we take one step in a direction. He guides us through that thick damp depressing fog and suddenly the skies burst open and we find our self in a whole new world. 

A whole new world.


With the blue skies and warm sun comes hope and a reminder of what is above the fog. Beauty beyond what the eye can see. Plans for our life greater than we can ever imagine.

He sees.

He knows. 

He has great plans for us and they are not to stay in the fog!

So when areas of my life remain in the fog, I will remember and keep this bright blue sky as a visual of God's faithfulness. 

Whatever fog you find yourself in today, may you not give up. Keep driving, keep trusting, because that warm sun IS above the fog. Thank you for reading. 

When Living Your Story Isn't Easy

Story

I believe it is important and I'm all for it. I stamp the words "Your Story Matters" and "Tell Your Story" on cuffs and I enjoy books that emphasize living your story well and embracing it. Most days I wear my story proud, the not so pretty chapters and the great ones. Some bursting with joy and others overflowing with brokenness. Even where I don't see explanations,  I DO see glimpses of where God has brought me out the other side.

But there are the days... the days that I despise my story. Not all of it but certainly chapters and parts. The parts that make me fragile and make certain situations painful and heartbreaking. 

When suddenly I find myself in a new chapter, one that has familiarity yet still cuts like it did the first time. I want more than anything to be reading different words on the page, not because the words are bad, but because the words hurt and I don't want them to hurt anymore.  

It's times like this that living out your story doesn't feel very heroic or great, rather frustrating and painful. 

If only I could skip a few pages ahead, get a little insight maybe it would hurt less... Or would it? Would a reason or an end in sight help? The me that wants to take the easy road says YES. The bratty little kid in me that gets tired of character building and growth wants to scream out and skip past these chapters. 

Maybe the best way to survive these 'less than pretty chapters' is to just BE. 

Be real and honest, while surrounding myself with friends who hug extra long because they know there are no words, pray and then pray some more. 

Be okay to come "To the end of myself" at the foot of the cross. It seems every time I return to this place (frequent as it may be) my senses are heightened. I appreciate the big trees and the clean cold air when I step out my backdoor to simply take out the garbage. I hear a song on the radio that is so familiar but this time it brings me to tears and moves my heart like never before. 

When I find myself in this place I am overcome with more gratitude than when life is coasting along. I remember the sweet chapter a few pages back where I was blessed to go to Guatemala and the chapter after that where we moved to this little piece of heaven. So many glorious chapters tucked on all sides of the painful ones, the nagging familiar ones and those that sneak up out of nowhere taking me by surprise.

So why is it that we try so hard to figure out the lesson that must come from the hurt or put a positive spin on it? Could it be because we want to be better grounded or a little more resilient than we actually are? 

Can't we just be okay to not be okay sometimes? To embrace blessing and life and joy and sweetness, yet fully admit that we are broken and hurting. 

I believe God is big enough to understand this dichotomy inside me. The utter and complete gratitude I have for all he has blessed me with but also an ache and a hole in my heart that goes unfulfilled. 

The unknown and silence.  

He understands (and that is good because I don't) that in this heart sits both, gratitude and pain. Love and hate for my story. It is not finished. The story goes on and with that there will be more glorious mind blowing chapters and there will be some where the pages have a few tear stains. 

Either way, it is my story, and I choose to be present through all chapters whether pretty or messy. 

May you find hope with whatever chapter you find yourself in today. 
Thank you for reading friends. 

We Really Aren't That Different

Some days it feels like so much effort to do what is good for my soul. To take a moment to write or have a little quiet time. Like clock work as soon as I sit down to collect my thoughts, I am interrupted. It seems there is ALWAYS someone that needs me or something that needs to be done. Currently I have our new addition, a 50 plus pound boxer laying across my lap. I love her already. She is sweet and fits into our family nicely, but she is needy. Just one more body that needs time and care. I literally had to peel her off me just to find a spot for my lap top. Prior to that I was being challenged by a 5 year old boy on whether or not nap was a good idea today, after a battle to eat his lunch. Then there is the dust on the TV stand across the living room that of course just now became noticeable and honestly, I have no idea what to write about because frankly my mind is mush. All I really want to do when I have a moment to myself is catch up on my new favorite show on Hulu and make a pumpkin pie.  

I really don't have a great epiphany to share and so often I only write when I have "something". It all feels a little chaotic lately and if I don't stop in my tracks and write down a deep thought then it leaves my head as soon as it enters. 

So after a not so pretty morning getting ready for school I dropped Rogan off late, mad at myself for not being more organized, mad at the dogs for not cooperating and just plain MAD! Frazzled and feeling like the worst Mom ever I left school and was blessed with an unexpected conversation with a close friend. She reassured me that I'm not crazy and not alone. I walked away with my shoulders rolled back and head held high, ready to face another battle. I must have crossed paths with half a dozen of my friends that morning and all the topics were the same, we are all a little wore out. We aren't that much different with what we face and struggle with. By having these conversations it brought light to a place that if left in the dark I fall into that wonderful game of comparing. 

Thoughts like...

She has it more together than I do and has three times as many kids, her outfit looks cute and she doesn't have bags under her allergy irritated eyes. She is so calm and peaceful with her kids and I'm sure they had devotions over a healthy well balanced breakfast this morning. 

For the umpteenth time I remind myself not to compare. We all have rough mornings whether we have teenagers, preschoolers, toddlers, four legged fur kids or we have an empty nest. 

We really aren't that different than the woman standing next to us, we all struggle, we all get frustrated and we all mess up. 

God so lovingly reminded me of this that morning earlier in the week. And as the week progressed I continued to embrace the chaos of multiple things fighting back. It still feels a bit crazy but in the midst I managed to grab some quiet time, dust the TV stand and make that pumpkin pie!

And the good news, we will always have another hectic morning trying to get out the door for a chance to do it just a little better. 

Happy weekend friends, may it be filled with some peaceful moments.  

Learning To Bend So I Don't Break

Across the road from our house is a forest of trees. There are many of them and when the wind blows it is truly phenomenal to watch as they bend and sway. Moving with such grace yet there is nothing delicate about them, they are strong and tall. 


There is something very magical that happens when the wind is just picking up. It starts somewhere far away and if you listen closely you can hear it move through the trees. It sounds like someone is driving around the bend on the gravel road but as you watch the trees they begin to sway one by one, and you realize it's simply the wind. It is truly breathtaking. 

I keep hearing the same thing this week, everywhere I turn. It's kind of like the wind moving through the trees, at first it is in the distance and then it becomes louder and  I figure maybe I should listen a little closer. 

The theme that I keep hearing is Listen, listen to the Holy Spirit and live in the flow of His will. Now, I know that "Living in the flow of the Holy Spirit" sounds a little foo foo la la to a lot of people and it's also a pretty big topic. But the tidbit, the applicable part I have picked up from this is one word... 

Surrender!

So often I have bristled at this word because it seems so un-achievable. Or I have done it and I don't see results, circumstances don't change. I have made it ceremonial. Like, "Okay God, here I go, are you watching? Because I am on my knees and I am surrendering this."
That might be a bit of an exaggeration. But seriously, even if my heart is in the right place and I surrender a big thing to him I feel like I didn't do it right when I continue to battle it.

As I am learning about the Holy Spirit in a class, listening to Sunday morning sermons or reading a book about being a better version of me, I keep hearing the same thing... 

Don't try to be better or work harder. 

But you see, this is what I do. I try the next thing, I work hard, I TRY. And if that doesn't work, I try harder. I forget to breathe, I force, I clench my jaw, I explode. And vow to try harder the next day. 

Surrender. Every. Little. Thing. I tend to save the word Surrender for the big stuff, the major life decisions. But what about all the little things? It really is simple, just not easy. 

Several years ago I was at  conference at our church, the pastor who was speaking said that every morning he prayed the same prayer, one he wrote specifically for himself and his struggles. It was eye opening to me to hear this because often I felt that God doesn't want to hear the same thing over and over or my prayers shouldn't be something I read or recite to him. His point was that by doing this we are inviting God into our lives daily and admitting that we can't do anything without him. I started by writing out a prayer that encompassed all the things I struggle with in a day. For example, "today I will not compare myself to others or be jealous of their circumstances..." For months I had this piece of paper taped to the inside of our coffee cupboard so it was the first thing I saw in the morning. I would stop and read it out loud before making my coffee. As ridiculous as it may sound, it helped me a lot. I now have it memorized and strive to pray it every morning. What it has taught me is that no matter what the days schedule is ahead of me, even if it seems manageable I still need him in it. Otherwise I am just tense and explosive.

Even on the days I remember to pray this prayer I find myself falling into those habits of trying to take the reins and controlling my life. But there is something different about the days that I verbalize my inability and ask God for help. It takes the expectation off of me and the weight from my shoulders. I seem to give myself more grace. I am no expert on surrender and I'm sure I will always be learning how to let go of more. But if I am asking God for help in every area (aka: surrendering) then everyday I will be shaped a little more into the person he has created me to be or learning to live by the power of the Holy Spirit. This word, it means something new to me. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic act to "Surrender".

It's daily, it's simple, it's what I need. 

On the big days and even on the easy days, I want to learn to bend and sway like the trees because like them if I don't surrender to the weight of the wind then I will break. 

Surrender, a picture of strength and beauty like the tall standing trees. May I embrace it everyday. 

A day of celebration

Once a year during this time I can't help but reflect on how much we have been blessed. It will forever mark a season for us of God's perfect love. So, for those of you who haven't heard our story, here is a little piece of the miracle that happened on October 9th five years ago today. 

(a re-post from one year ago today)


Happy Birthday to Rogan!

10/9/09

We load up the car with diaper bags, portable crib, formula, bottles, all the necessary baby things, and we drive to Vancouver. The birth mama is 9 days past her due date and this is the scheduled day to induce. Our case worker told us not to rush up there, because most likely it would be an entire day of waiting. 

We were there by 9 am! Ooops...

I remember trying to be calm and relaxed but I think it was pretty much impossible! Most moms are a little distracted and preoccupied on the day their child is born. Me, I was eating Burgerville for breakfast, checking into a hotel and wandering around Walmart to kill time. We became quite familiar with the hospital waiting room, we watched countless families come and go. Some waddling in, and others being checked out to head home with their bundle of joy. I will say, there isn't a magazine you can read to keep you entertained for 12 hours while there is a girl in the room down the hall giving birth to a baby that will be our son. 

Here is what I wrote on the day he was born, 

"Oh, sweet baby, we met you today! You are so precious! Your birth mom handed you to me with tears in her eyes, showing gratitude to us. I've never felt more blessed. You were born at 9:36 pm weighing 7lbs 4oz. I'm so rummy and tired already that I heard the nurses say you were 55" long and I didn't think a thing of it...you were really 19 1/2" long." 

We were bustled off to the infant ICU, where he was given his first bath and looked over by the nurses. He was perfectly healthy but because the adoption wasn't final he had to be kept in a lock down facility. We stayed there with Rogan hooked up to monitors (ICU protocol), taking turns sleeping on the one little bench while the other one went back to the hotel room to shower, eat and catch a couple hours of sleep.

10/13/09 
Finally paper work had gone through and we were released from the hospital after four very long nights. Of course, this all took place on a holiday weekend so everything was delayed. It still seems crazy that we were so excited to take a newborn "home" to a hotel room, where we would stay until a judge signed off on more paper work so we could cross the border into Oregon. We weren't able to have any visitors for the five days we were in the hospital, so you can imagine we were pretty happy to show him off to our family and friends at the hotel. 

We spent a couple more days hotel living, but that seemed like a piece of cake because we didn't have nurses coming in and out every couple hours, we had a TV, a bed, and most importantly we were all together! 

And so today we celebrate this blessing and gift God has given us. May I never forget how he took care of every detail and worry I had that day going to the hospital, wondering and doubting and scared out of my mind. This is one of those moments where faith is built and I trust more and more that God's plans are always better than mine. 

Thanks for reading a very special part of my story. 

When you don't know what to say

Recently I was asked by a friend how I have gotten over the pain of infertility, and what helped me the most. She was asking because someone close to her is facing a road I am very familiar with. One of tests, procedures, medication and hopelessness. My response to the first question was, 

"I am not over it". 

Just that simple, it has touched and scarred my life forever. I do have hope now, and I haven't always been able to say that. God has healed my heart in many ways, yet the mystery and the pain still remains. This question and conversation got me thinking that there are others out there that are either personally going through this or loved ones that don't know what to say. There have been times in my past where I have wanted to scream from a mountain top words like, "Don't ever say this to me again!" or "If one more person says...!!"  

It is probably good that I didn't climb up on that mountain with a loud speaker because it would've been coming from a place of bitterness and anger. I'm not saying I am perfectly fixed now  still a work in progress. However, I can say that I am no longer resentful. I am frequently asked about my experiences and share my infertility and adoption story with so many of you whether that be at the park, grocery store or a garage sale. It is my story and I'm always willing to share the things God has carried me through.  

So, if you have someone in your life facing infertility whether it's been one month of "trying" or ten years. Whether they have other children or have adopted, take a minute to hear one girls heart on what not to say and what has nourished my soul the most. 

8 things to never say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant:

1.  Just relax, it will happen. Unless you have the gift of prophesy, you really don't know that it will happen. Maybe that is not God's plan, please don't speak words just to be positive. 

2.  You’re still young, you have time.  Suggesting that there is more waiting involved doesn't really offer hope. My doctor said this to me 10 years ago, now she tells me I am approaching the high risk age if I were to become pregnant...

3.  I'll give you my kids, they drive me crazy. Now that I'm a parent I understand there are days you really want to say this. But in reality you aren't going to sign your kids over, so don't joke about it to someone who wants a baby more than anything.

4.  Have you tried... (eating oysters, basal body temp, tea, supplements, standing on your head, fill in the blank) I know the suggestions come from a good place of just wanting to help. And I'm sure there are some success stories from the above methods. But most likely what you heard on Dr Oz isn't going to be the key to getting them knocked up. And you can bet they have researched and tried more things than you have time to hear.

5.  It will happen when you least expect it, you just need to surrender it.  Have you ever tried to just not think about something? Or drive by a wreck and not look? It is impossible to forget about it and just let it go. Yes, there is a heart issue of surrender, but that isn't the key to getting pregnant.

6.  My friend/sister/aunt/cousin adopted and then got pregnant.... maybe you should try that. That is their story, and while you may think this will give hope, it doesn't. It leaves a person feeling more alone and flawed like everyone else is receiving the one thing they want and desire the most. 

7.  Please don't keep other pregnancy news a secret. I know this comes from good intentions of wanting to protect but it really isn't necessary to walk on eggshells. Please just understand that the news may be a little hard to swallow as yet another families dreams are coming true.

8.  Enjoy this time while you can, without kids. It will all change once you have a baby. Of course it will all change, that is exactly why they are trying to start a family. As we know now with having a child of our own, there is much sacrifice, not so many date nights and spontaneity, but it is all so very worth it. 

If you have said these things in the past, don't beat yourself up. We are all trying to figure out how to be better friends and supporters. I am sure I have unknowingly said hurtful things to people I care about just because I am clueless to their struggle. 

That is just it, we don't know what someone else is facing until we ourselves have walked that very same road. 

So, if you find yourself walking this road with a friend or a family member, here are a few things that I have appreciated hearing and receiving...

A listening ear, with no suggestions or advice. Just a hug, a head nod and sharing tears together says a thousand words.

Admitting that you have no idea what they are going through. Be honest. My Dad told me once that he couldn't imagine what I was facing because for them pregnancy and kids just happened. Those words say so much. Validating that your friend is facing a very hard season brings recognition to the pain that so often others don't see or talk about. 

 When you ask them how they are doing, be ready to hear that they are not okay. You don't have to fix them. Again just listen and accept them for where they are. Even if that means letting them be real...sometimes its just necessary to cuss and cry and not have it all together.

Act on those little nudges to send a card or give a gift. I have received cards or little gifts that just make me feel loved. It is often the feelings of isolation that hurt so much, the feelings that others just don't understand. When you receive a little bit of sunshine it is great encouragement that you are not walking this road alone and someone is thinking about you. 

I truly believe that we are all earnestly trying to help each other and understand. Sometimes we just don't know what to say. And that is okay. If we can forgive ourselves for the times we have been insensitive and forgive others when they have stepped on us we can learn how to be better friends. I am always learning. Learning to be honest when someone asks me about my story and learning to be more understanding of others journeys that I haven't traveled. 

I am grateful for my friend who so honestly asked me that question, to search and look for a way to be a better friend for her sister and to stir these thoughts in me. 

Thanks for reading . 

Three good things

Have you ever noticed how it's so easy to pick on the ones we love the most more often than anyone else? 

Why is that? 

Maybe it's because we feel comfortable around them, or maybe just because we give our best to everyone else all day and when we finally see our spouse at the end of the day we are empty, spent, and mind mushed.

We point out each others' shortcomings in discreet ways of sighing as we pick up the shoes and toss them in the other room. Or mumble under our breathe as we follow behind them wiping up their messes. It is all very justifiable that we are both exhausted and tired from the long days of work and heat. Commitments take priority and quality time together takes the back seat. It's so easy to fill our short time together in the evenings with facts and information. And realistically that is all we usually have time for. 

It doesn't take long to look up from the busyness and see that we are on a crazy cycle. A little term we learned from a marriage class a long time ago... it goes like this, and in no particular order.

'He feels disrespected, he is unloving, she feels unloved, she is disrespectful.' 

I would add to that cycle from our own experience,

'she feels attacked so she attacks, he feels attacked so he attacks'. 

And that is "the crazy cycle"! Round and round we can go with the finger pointing, attacking and feeling justified. Realizing you're on the crazy cycle is the easy part, it's getting off that's more challenging. So how do you do it? Simple (just not easy)... Stop, swallow our pride and be nice!

It's amazing how just being nice can break the crazy cycle and start a whole new one... a healthy cycle. If he feels respected and admired, he is loving, and if she feels loved then she is respectful. Like so many things in life, sometimes we have to make a choice before we actually 'feel' like it and then once we choose the right thing our feelings catch up. It isn't about who makes the first move toward getting off that cycle, all that matters is that we get off it. 

So, what if I made a point to find three positive things that I appreciate and admire about him throughout the day and then communicated them? 

We are currently working on this and a lot of days it isn't on the forefront of my mind. With keeping up a house and taking care of a little boy and appointments and... well, all those things demand my attention and the best of me. But if I can remember throughout the day that I am more than a Mom and a maid... I AM a wife to an amazing man! 

It's not about flattery, or trying to come up with those three things but rather about nudging my heart and reminding me of all that I love about my husband. When I am purposefully looking for the positive about him, I am less critical of the negative.

When life is full and busy our patience grows thin. Sometimes the best choice is to say no to BBQ's and parties and just be together as a family. To give the best of myself to the one I love the most. Words of affirmation, time spent together and peace and quiet.... oh, how it can revive the weary soul! 

(If you are married, can you find and say three things you appreciate and admire about your spouse every day for a week? It's not about getting something in return, but watching our hearts change and grow more in love. I'm on this journey with you, will you join me?)