Learning To Bend So I Don't Break

Across the road from our house is a forest of trees. There are many of them and when the wind blows it is truly phenomenal to watch as they bend and sway. Moving with such grace yet there is nothing delicate about them, they are strong and tall. 


There is something very magical that happens when the wind is just picking up. It starts somewhere far away and if you listen closely you can hear it move through the trees. It sounds like someone is driving around the bend on the gravel road but as you watch the trees they begin to sway one by one, and you realize it's simply the wind. It is truly breathtaking. 

I keep hearing the same thing this week, everywhere I turn. It's kind of like the wind moving through the trees, at first it is in the distance and then it becomes louder and  I figure maybe I should listen a little closer. 

The theme that I keep hearing is Listen, listen to the Holy Spirit and live in the flow of His will. Now, I know that "Living in the flow of the Holy Spirit" sounds a little foo foo la la to a lot of people and it's also a pretty big topic. But the tidbit, the applicable part I have picked up from this is one word... 

Surrender!

So often I have bristled at this word because it seems so un-achievable. Or I have done it and I don't see results, circumstances don't change. I have made it ceremonial. Like, "Okay God, here I go, are you watching? Because I am on my knees and I am surrendering this."
That might be a bit of an exaggeration. But seriously, even if my heart is in the right place and I surrender a big thing to him I feel like I didn't do it right when I continue to battle it.

As I am learning about the Holy Spirit in a class, listening to Sunday morning sermons or reading a book about being a better version of me, I keep hearing the same thing... 

Don't try to be better or work harder. 

But you see, this is what I do. I try the next thing, I work hard, I TRY. And if that doesn't work, I try harder. I forget to breathe, I force, I clench my jaw, I explode. And vow to try harder the next day. 

Surrender. Every. Little. Thing. I tend to save the word Surrender for the big stuff, the major life decisions. But what about all the little things? It really is simple, just not easy. 

Several years ago I was at  conference at our church, the pastor who was speaking said that every morning he prayed the same prayer, one he wrote specifically for himself and his struggles. It was eye opening to me to hear this because often I felt that God doesn't want to hear the same thing over and over or my prayers shouldn't be something I read or recite to him. His point was that by doing this we are inviting God into our lives daily and admitting that we can't do anything without him. I started by writing out a prayer that encompassed all the things I struggle with in a day. For example, "today I will not compare myself to others or be jealous of their circumstances..." For months I had this piece of paper taped to the inside of our coffee cupboard so it was the first thing I saw in the morning. I would stop and read it out loud before making my coffee. As ridiculous as it may sound, it helped me a lot. I now have it memorized and strive to pray it every morning. What it has taught me is that no matter what the days schedule is ahead of me, even if it seems manageable I still need him in it. Otherwise I am just tense and explosive.

Even on the days I remember to pray this prayer I find myself falling into those habits of trying to take the reins and controlling my life. But there is something different about the days that I verbalize my inability and ask God for help. It takes the expectation off of me and the weight from my shoulders. I seem to give myself more grace. I am no expert on surrender and I'm sure I will always be learning how to let go of more. But if I am asking God for help in every area (aka: surrendering) then everyday I will be shaped a little more into the person he has created me to be or learning to live by the power of the Holy Spirit. This word, it means something new to me. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic act to "Surrender".

It's daily, it's simple, it's what I need. 

On the big days and even on the easy days, I want to learn to bend and sway like the trees because like them if I don't surrender to the weight of the wind then I will break. 

Surrender, a picture of strength and beauty like the tall standing trees. May I embrace it everyday. 

A day of celebration

Once a year during this time I can't help but reflect on how much we have been blessed. It will forever mark a season for us of God's perfect love. So, for those of you who haven't heard our story, here is a little piece of the miracle that happened on October 9th five years ago today. 

(a re-post from one year ago today)


Happy Birthday to Rogan!

10/9/09

We load up the car with diaper bags, portable crib, formula, bottles, all the necessary baby things, and we drive to Vancouver. The birth mama is 9 days past her due date and this is the scheduled day to induce. Our case worker told us not to rush up there, because most likely it would be an entire day of waiting. 

We were there by 9 am! Ooops...

I remember trying to be calm and relaxed but I think it was pretty much impossible! Most moms are a little distracted and preoccupied on the day their child is born. Me, I was eating Burgerville for breakfast, checking into a hotel and wandering around Walmart to kill time. We became quite familiar with the hospital waiting room, we watched countless families come and go. Some waddling in, and others being checked out to head home with their bundle of joy. I will say, there isn't a magazine you can read to keep you entertained for 12 hours while there is a girl in the room down the hall giving birth to a baby that will be our son. 

Here is what I wrote on the day he was born, 

"Oh, sweet baby, we met you today! You are so precious! Your birth mom handed you to me with tears in her eyes, showing gratitude to us. I've never felt more blessed. You were born at 9:36 pm weighing 7lbs 4oz. I'm so rummy and tired already that I heard the nurses say you were 55" long and I didn't think a thing of it...you were really 19 1/2" long." 

We were bustled off to the infant ICU, where he was given his first bath and looked over by the nurses. He was perfectly healthy but because the adoption wasn't final he had to be kept in a lock down facility. We stayed there with Rogan hooked up to monitors (ICU protocol), taking turns sleeping on the one little bench while the other one went back to the hotel room to shower, eat and catch a couple hours of sleep.

10/13/09 
Finally paper work had gone through and we were released from the hospital after four very long nights. Of course, this all took place on a holiday weekend so everything was delayed. It still seems crazy that we were so excited to take a newborn "home" to a hotel room, where we would stay until a judge signed off on more paper work so we could cross the border into Oregon. We weren't able to have any visitors for the five days we were in the hospital, so you can imagine we were pretty happy to show him off to our family and friends at the hotel. 

We spent a couple more days hotel living, but that seemed like a piece of cake because we didn't have nurses coming in and out every couple hours, we had a TV, a bed, and most importantly we were all together! 

And so today we celebrate this blessing and gift God has given us. May I never forget how he took care of every detail and worry I had that day going to the hospital, wondering and doubting and scared out of my mind. This is one of those moments where faith is built and I trust more and more that God's plans are always better than mine. 

Thanks for reading a very special part of my story. 

When you don't know what to say

Recently I was asked by a friend how I have gotten over the pain of infertility, and what helped me the most. She was asking because someone close to her is facing a road I am very familiar with. One of tests, procedures, medication and hopelessness. My response to the first question was, 

"I am not over it". 

Just that simple, it has touched and scarred my life forever. I do have hope now, and I haven't always been able to say that. God has healed my heart in many ways, yet the mystery and the pain still remains. This question and conversation got me thinking that there are others out there that are either personally going through this or loved ones that don't know what to say. There have been times in my past where I have wanted to scream from a mountain top words like, "Don't ever say this to me again!" or "If one more person says...!!"  

It is probably good that I didn't climb up on that mountain with a loud speaker because it would've been coming from a place of bitterness and anger. I'm not saying I am perfectly fixed now  still a work in progress. However, I can say that I am no longer resentful. I am frequently asked about my experiences and share my infertility and adoption story with so many of you whether that be at the park, grocery store or a garage sale. It is my story and I'm always willing to share the things God has carried me through.  

So, if you have someone in your life facing infertility whether it's been one month of "trying" or ten years. Whether they have other children or have adopted, take a minute to hear one girls heart on what not to say and what has nourished my soul the most. 

8 things to never say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant:

1.  Just relax, it will happen. Unless you have the gift of prophesy, you really don't know that it will happen. Maybe that is not God's plan, please don't speak words just to be positive. 

2.  You’re still young, you have time.  Suggesting that there is more waiting involved doesn't really offer hope. My doctor said this to me 10 years ago, now she tells me I am approaching the high risk age if I were to become pregnant...

3.  I'll give you my kids, they drive me crazy. Now that I'm a parent I understand there are days you really want to say this. But in reality you aren't going to sign your kids over, so don't joke about it to someone who wants a baby more than anything.

4.  Have you tried... (eating oysters, basal body temp, tea, supplements, standing on your head, fill in the blank) I know the suggestions come from a good place of just wanting to help. And I'm sure there are some success stories from the above methods. But most likely what you heard on Dr Oz isn't going to be the key to getting them knocked up. And you can bet they have researched and tried more things than you have time to hear.

5.  It will happen when you least expect it, you just need to surrender it.  Have you ever tried to just not think about something? Or drive by a wreck and not look? It is impossible to forget about it and just let it go. Yes, there is a heart issue of surrender, but that isn't the key to getting pregnant.

6.  My friend/sister/aunt/cousin adopted and then got pregnant.... maybe you should try that. That is their story, and while you may think this will give hope, it doesn't. It leaves a person feeling more alone and flawed like everyone else is receiving the one thing they want and desire the most. 

7.  Please don't keep other pregnancy news a secret. I know this comes from good intentions of wanting to protect but it really isn't necessary to walk on eggshells. Please just understand that the news may be a little hard to swallow as yet another families dreams are coming true.

8.  Enjoy this time while you can, without kids. It will all change once you have a baby. Of course it will all change, that is exactly why they are trying to start a family. As we know now with having a child of our own, there is much sacrifice, not so many date nights and spontaneity, but it is all so very worth it. 

If you have said these things in the past, don't beat yourself up. We are all trying to figure out how to be better friends and supporters. I am sure I have unknowingly said hurtful things to people I care about just because I am clueless to their struggle. 

That is just it, we don't know what someone else is facing until we ourselves have walked that very same road. 

So, if you find yourself walking this road with a friend or a family member, here are a few things that I have appreciated hearing and receiving...

A listening ear, with no suggestions or advice. Just a hug, a head nod and sharing tears together says a thousand words.

Admitting that you have no idea what they are going through. Be honest. My Dad told me once that he couldn't imagine what I was facing because for them pregnancy and kids just happened. Those words say so much. Validating that your friend is facing a very hard season brings recognition to the pain that so often others don't see or talk about. 

 When you ask them how they are doing, be ready to hear that they are not okay. You don't have to fix them. Again just listen and accept them for where they are. Even if that means letting them be real...sometimes its just necessary to cuss and cry and not have it all together.

Act on those little nudges to send a card or give a gift. I have received cards or little gifts that just make me feel loved. It is often the feelings of isolation that hurt so much, the feelings that others just don't understand. When you receive a little bit of sunshine it is great encouragement that you are not walking this road alone and someone is thinking about you. 

I truly believe that we are all earnestly trying to help each other and understand. Sometimes we just don't know what to say. And that is okay. If we can forgive ourselves for the times we have been insensitive and forgive others when they have stepped on us we can learn how to be better friends. I am always learning. Learning to be honest when someone asks me about my story and learning to be more understanding of others journeys that I haven't traveled. 

I am grateful for my friend who so honestly asked me that question, to search and look for a way to be a better friend for her sister and to stir these thoughts in me. 

Thanks for reading . 

Three good things

Have you ever noticed how it's so easy to pick on the ones we love the most more often than anyone else? 

Why is that? 

Maybe it's because we feel comfortable around them, or maybe just because we give our best to everyone else all day and when we finally see our spouse at the end of the day we are empty, spent, and mind mushed.

We point out each others' shortcomings in discreet ways of sighing as we pick up the shoes and toss them in the other room. Or mumble under our breathe as we follow behind them wiping up their messes. It is all very justifiable that we are both exhausted and tired from the long days of work and heat. Commitments take priority and quality time together takes the back seat. It's so easy to fill our short time together in the evenings with facts and information. And realistically that is all we usually have time for. 

It doesn't take long to look up from the busyness and see that we are on a crazy cycle. A little term we learned from a marriage class a long time ago... it goes like this, and in no particular order.

'He feels disrespected, he is unloving, she feels unloved, she is disrespectful.' 

I would add to that cycle from our own experience,

'she feels attacked so she attacks, he feels attacked so he attacks'. 

And that is "the crazy cycle"! Round and round we can go with the finger pointing, attacking and feeling justified. Realizing you're on the crazy cycle is the easy part, it's getting off that's more challenging. So how do you do it? Simple (just not easy)... Stop, swallow our pride and be nice!

It's amazing how just being nice can break the crazy cycle and start a whole new one... a healthy cycle. If he feels respected and admired, he is loving, and if she feels loved then she is respectful. Like so many things in life, sometimes we have to make a choice before we actually 'feel' like it and then once we choose the right thing our feelings catch up. It isn't about who makes the first move toward getting off that cycle, all that matters is that we get off it. 

So, what if I made a point to find three positive things that I appreciate and admire about him throughout the day and then communicated them? 

We are currently working on this and a lot of days it isn't on the forefront of my mind. With keeping up a house and taking care of a little boy and appointments and... well, all those things demand my attention and the best of me. But if I can remember throughout the day that I am more than a Mom and a maid... I AM a wife to an amazing man! 

It's not about flattery, or trying to come up with those three things but rather about nudging my heart and reminding me of all that I love about my husband. When I am purposefully looking for the positive about him, I am less critical of the negative.

When life is full and busy our patience grows thin. Sometimes the best choice is to say no to BBQ's and parties and just be together as a family. To give the best of myself to the one I love the most. Words of affirmation, time spent together and peace and quiet.... oh, how it can revive the weary soul! 

(If you are married, can you find and say three things you appreciate and admire about your spouse every day for a week? It's not about getting something in return, but watching our hearts change and grow more in love. I'm on this journey with you, will you join me?) 

Just call me Friend

I was a freshman in high school when I made my first 'Best Friend'. I remember it well, we would sit on her bed and giggle about which boy we liked, lay out in the sun on her paved driveway spraying Sun-In in our hair to try and get blonde highlights. We would even bring clothes to school for the other, changing in the bathroom before the bell rang. It didn't take me long to see that I wasn't the only friend. She had another close friend, one that had been her friend since grade school. We all got along and had fun, but the reality is, three is a crowd and we were competing for the 'best friend' status.  

I was reflecting on this after hearing the term best friend used recently between grownup friends and wondering why it struck such a nerve in me. Or rather, why I felt hurt when I heard the words so possessively used in a friendship that I too am a part of... but not the BEST friend. 


I have had very close friends in the past, friendships that honestly, were pretty exclusive. It feels wonderful to sit and talk to a girlfriend and be totally and completely understood and 'got'. Someone close enough to finish your sentences or just sit quietly when all you can do is cry. A friend that knows your heart and cares for your best interest enough to speak truth into the dark places. I believe those are truly gifts, and if we are lucky enough to experience one of those friendships in this life we can consider ourselves blessed. 

If we experience and establish such a friendship, shouldn't it last forever and never change? I have struggled with this over the years and fought hard to keep some relationships exactly the same. Frozen in time. I believe though that sometimes they are just meant for a season. And that is not a cop out or an excuse to sign people off or move on (words to myself). Life changes, people move, and things can't stay the same forever. I believe that each of these friends have been placed in my life by God for specific trials I was going through, and without them there to shoulder the pain I wouldn't be who I am today. Each of them at different times in my life and each unique from the others. I know I labeled some of them as best friends over the years and I look back now and question why that was necessary. 

Why is it so important to us to have a best friend? And what if we don't? I look at the pressure it puts on one particular person.

Friendships are hard, I would say more difficult than marriage. We long for them, are hurt by them yet need them so very much in our lives. I am no expert on this. Heck, I've failed many times and often I want to throw my hands up in frustration. 

Some days I feel as if I live in a cave and if I never came out no would care. (I know that's crazy, but let's be honest here...we've probably all felt similar) You know, those days where everywhere you look you see BFF's having picnics at the park together or cute selfies on Facebook. Us girls are funny and I curse my womanhood most days when I hear myself vent to my husband. We are ridiculous, really! 

The lies that keep us isolated tell us that she doesn't need our gifts or our kind words if she already has a friend. Or if we don't have a BFF we have somehow fallen short. 

That is just silly and I know we can all agree, but when our feelings are hurt it's hard to be logical. I know I need a few close friends in my life, each one bringing something different and valuable to the relationship. As much as my selfish humanness thinks a secure exclusive friendship would be easier, I know the truth. It is never what it seems when you look through the filter of social media at the shopping trips and play dates. 

In my wrestling and struggling through this recently I glanced at my fridge where I saw a magnet given to me by a dear friend. It reads, "Two are better than one... if one falls down, his friend can help him up." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 
I am reminded and encouraged that we do need each other, whether we are someone's best friend or not. We can always encourage and cheer on another girlfriend. 

May I never compare or underestimate where God currently has me with my friendships and who he has in my life. I haven't always been, but I will be content to just be your Friend without the 'best' status. 

(Who can you reach out to or encourage today, even if you think they don't need it. They may not be as secure in their friendships as you think.) 

The Grass Isn't Always Greener...

But there is always a meadow.

I have found myself saying or thinking many times that once 'this' happens 'that' will be easier. For example, I said that once we got moved out of our house and settled in the trailer it would be easier for me to start a new book or write more often. There would be more family time and nights spent playing games without TV as a distraction and exercise would be something I would look forward to again.

I'm not sure why I continue to think that I will somehow be a different person in different circumstances. I am still the same person who bulks at exercise and has to be purposeful to sit down and have quiet time.

I often think the grass is greener on the other side by looking ahead and imagining my life easier or struggling less if... (fill in the blank). 

The truth is, Life Is Never Easy no matter who you are or what season of life you're in. But, we CAN choose our perspective on it. 

The challenges I faced three weeks ago on Hauser Ct are different than the ones we currently face in trailer living. One of my nightly routines now is checking, emptying and resetting mouse traps. Never in my 37 years have I set a mouse trap! There's a time for everything I guess. Close quarters should bond us as a family but the reality is, it's much easier to get on each others' nerves when every time you turn around you are tripping over a person, a dog or a shoe. There are many sleepless nights, 1:00 am wake ups because Rogan wet the bed, and every time we have to get in or out of bed it requires a jump, kick, flop sort of motion that should count as a workout as far as I'm concerned. 

I say all of this not to complain but rather to say that, the grass is not greener over here. There are still weeds and those moments when you just want to scream and don't even know why. Difficulties that I couldn't imagine from the other side. But there's also something else I couldn't see from the other side, the meadow of beautiful flowers. 

I couldn't imagine what it would be like to sit outside a trailer, in a chair listening to the birds chirp and tweet, Dozer laid out next to me in the morning sun with my computer on my lap writing and drinking my coffee. Or, picking fresh berries from the garden while Rogan feeds the goats grape leaves nearby. The last minute ATV rides through the woods to look for coyotes and fishing in the pond with Papa after work. 

The afternoons spent by the pool and the evening runs in the country with my friends. The warmth and the hospitality that only can be explained once you experience it. The little things like stepping out of the shower onto an extra plush mat and sharing a meal together.

Patience and peacefulness don't come easy to me and maybe never will. If I want to read a new book or write more I simply must choose it. The distractions of life still remain and I will probably always struggle with doing the the things that are good for me. Life is not easier over here and the grass is not greener. I could be disappointed in myself or frustrated that I'm not where I thought I would be. 

But there is so much more that I never imagined. Much much better stuff! 

If I was hung up on what isn't happening right now (like family game nights or eating healthier or...) then I would be missing the amazing things that ARE taking place. Like the outpouring of love from friends who have taken us in and treat us as part of their family.  

I don't want to miss this. 

It is amazing, a beautiful meadow that isn't perfect. It looks different than I thought and is an adventure that we will forever remember. 

On this night of fishing Rogan caught his first fish ever, 6 to be exact (on his very own Spiderman pole).

Thank you for reading and sharing in this adventure with my family! 

Walking Into The Dark

"She picked us... US!!!" 

We were driving home from a dinner meeting with a birth mom that wanted to meet us. We left that night hopeful, excited and also scared out of our mind. Our hearts were on the line and our hopes were up. Our case worker told us that we probably wouldn't know anything till the following week, we just had to 'wait' all weekend. 

And then just minutes down the road the phone call that changed our lives forever... "Congratulations! You are having a baby boy in October", said the voice on the other line. 

The next step was to get ready for a baby in two short months. And so we did! Gathering used baby gear and getting the room ready. All the while hearing words of congratulations and excitement from friends and acquaintances. But with all those conversations also came the looks of doubt and caution. Some expressed their concern while others smiled and nodded with the look of "your'e crazy!" written all over their faces. 

Could she have changed her mind? Absolutely! Could the whole thing have fallen apart after we had a nursery full of baby gear? Yup!

The question was, were we going to allow fear to cripple us and hinder the blessing God was laying out before us?   

Fast forward 5 years and we find ourselves in another situation where we are picked from a number of people for the purchase of a house. Mike walks out of the house and hugs me, "She picked us honey, she picked US!!" 

Our offer was accepted and now, once again we wait. So many variables and scenarios that could happen with the sale of our house and the now pending purchase on our dream place.

All the "what if's" can creep in again. All the same conversations of congratulations and caution. The dreaming and imagining how different our lives will be months from now. Excitement, anticipation, thankfulness all bundled into one blur of an emotion. Life has a way of causing us to be skeptical and cautious usually for good reason. And while I've experienced disappointment and let down dreams I am also reminded of how He has guided us in the past. 

I come across this very familiar verse in Hebrews, it's significant to me because when I look it up in my Bible I see yellow and pink highlighter and theses words penned next to it... 

"Still waiting and enduring! 10/4/09"

And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Hebrews 12:1-2

This was dated just five days before Rogan was born. Yet at the time it seemed we had been waiting forever with her being four days past her due date. Little did we know that we still had 5 days to wait. How did I continue to go into work everyday and carry on with life not knowing when the phone call would come? I kept my eyes on Jesus (and did A LOT of nesting)! That was the only thing that got me through those days when it would've been so easy to look away and give in to fear. 

Some (most) days I think it would be much easier to tell our current story once safely on the other side. We are smack in the middle of it. In a place where doubt and fear can rule if I let them. A place where we may look a little crazy to those around us. But the thing about this place; it builds something more in me, something of faith and trust. 

I choose to remember God's provision, His love and how I got here in the first place. (Not in my own strength.) I hold tightly to Him, taking the steps necessary and choosing excitement over fear when the unknown is before me. I shutter to think about all we would've missed out on in the past had we played it safe and not risked when God asked us to take a step. 

I glance over my shoulder and remember, finding confidence in His faithfulness. It really is enough to blindly hold out my hand and follow him into the dark.  

May you too choose Faith over Fear today in whatever you are facing. 

Thanks for reading