Why Your Story Matters

I've been challenged recently to write out a piece of my story from a time in my life that greatly shaped me and changed who I was. That time being my high school and college aged years.

I'm reminded of how broken and lost I was at 16 years old when my whole world came down around me. I lived the years to follow believing that I wasn't worthy of love or respect and showed it in my actions. I desperately looked for love and approval. As the song goes, "I was looking for love in all the wrong places."

All these years later I reflect back to that time in my life and the first thing that comes to mind is, "I really shouldn't be Okay!" I don't mean to be dramatic here, but seriously, the damage that was done turned the course of my life. Events shaped me and left eternal scars.

I have found healing through counseling and God's truths over the years, I've shared this story with girls going through similar situations and have seen God use my story. Yet, I'm still taken back by God's ability to write a beautiful story of transformation. In the past I was focusing on healing and now I see the miracle a little more clear. 

It's easy to grow familiar with the scars that I deal with on a daily basis but often times I forget the severity of the wound that made them.   

I can relate my past experiences to the story of the woman at the well (John 4:1-40). She had a bad reputation, she was alone and isolated, and appeared to have no self worth. I can assume that men didn't treat her with respect and she didn't trust them. And then she meets Jesus, he wasn't judgmental of her life rather he gave her hope. The kindness He showed her seemed to light a fire in her, giving her the courage to boldly go back to the village and tell the towns people what she saw. Given her history she was probably the least likely to be sharing the good news, yet God used her anyway. There have been key people in my life over the years that have lit that same fire in me, giving me courage to do things that I was too terrified of otherwise. They saw potential despite all the brokenness of my life. Most importantly, Jesus saw through my hurt, my poor choices and my less than pretty actions and He wrote a beautiful story from a life of destruction.  What a miracle God works in our very broken lives.

"Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends. That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn. I wanna know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life. And all that's dead inside can be reborn. Cause I'm worn." (Tenth Avenue North "Worn")

I love this song by Tenth Avenue North. He CAN mend a heart that is frail and torn, the most fragile heart. He can and will heal it. I am living proof of a life that has been reborn. I lived a life of guilt and shame for many years and Jesus came along and gave me the time of day. 

He gave me the time of day! 

It helps to glance over my shoulder at times and remember what God has carried me through. Whatever you may be going through today, hold on to this truth that He loves us regardless of our past mistakes. 

"See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us his children, and that is what we are."  
(1 John 3:1)

The leather cuff that started it all

 "Don't give up" is what this cuff symbolizes to me.

I look at this worn piece of leather with rivets haphazardly placed all over it, there's no pattern, it's crooked, and probably looks quite odd to most people. But it is dear to me because it symbolizes so much. Part of it being the start of my Leather Creations business three and half years ago. But the most important part is the purpose of why it was ever created in the first place. 

Mike and I were leading the college aged ministry through our church. We made the cuffs to remind us of the unhealthy things we each chose to remove from our lives. For some it was to quit drinking or smoking. Every week they were able to stick to their commitment we would put a rivet to mark the success. For me personally, I chose to give up sugar and junk food. 

I remember cutting the leather out and setting snaps right on our dinning room table. I had no idea what I was doing and no thoughts of what this little project with these students would turn in to. 

There was one girl who took this very serious with me and each week we would ask each other how the other did with resisting temptation and then we would victoriously set a new rivet. There were weeks when we didn't get to put a new rivet on our cuff, but that gave us motivation to try again the next week. 

It just goes to show how good accountability can be in our lives. And any leadership position I've been in has done just that, held me accountable. While giving up junk food isn't a huge deal (well, it kinda was for me), I was also held accountable to keep following Jesus through some of the hardest seasons in my life. 

Multiple times I wanted to throw up my hands and say "this is just too tough", but I chose to keep pressing on because I didn't want to let them down.  

What was intended as a simple exercise to help the students (and myself) cut the not so healthy out of our lives turned into a fun hobby for me. I'm humbled at how this little business has grown. Most days I don't feel qualified to be creating a sentimental piece for someone or creative enough to make something new. But one thing is certain, everyday I learn a little more, usually by trial and error. I am happy to say I no longer set snaps on my dining room table or dye leather on my kitchen counter. :)

A few weeks ago I pulled this "original" from my stack of cuffs on the dresser. I purposefully left it out to remind me not to give up. The last few months haven't been the best with my "healthy eating". 

The good news is, It's never too late to start again even when we do get a little off track. 

So if you see me wearing it you now know why it doesn't look much like the pieces I make today. It will forever be a special cuff to me because  it reminds me of treasured relationships, growth and to never give up.

Oh sweet discipline...

The consistency of my blog posts are evidence that I am not a disciplined person left on my own. I am the type of person that needs a plan otherwise I just do what I feel like and what really needs to be done.

If you were to look at my refrigerator right now you would see a lot of  photos, 4 year old drawings and a race training schedule. Why? Because that is the only way I am consistent with exercising and running. I need something to look at each day and tell me what to do. And then, (my favorite part) when I complete the work out I cross through it with a victorious yellow highlighter. 

I'm also a list maker and have been known to add something to my to do list after it has been completed just so I can cross it off. Yes, I know I'm a little weird! 

My friend Sara recently started the Storyline Productivity schedule by Donald Miller. She's been telling me about it and how it is helping her with purpose and routine. I first met Sara about 7 years ago while volunteering as a high school leader through our church. What started out as student/leader relationship has grown into a dear friendship. She has challenged and taught me so much over the last several years. I'm always amazed at how relationships work, it doesn't matter your age, season of life or struggle, we ALL have something to offer and can encourage each other to something bigger. Lately I've been challenged to become more purposeful in my daily tasks as I watch her grow and change before my eyes. 

What's this "Productivity schedule" all about?

In a nutshell,  it helps you to plan out and organize your day giving yourself breaks or rewards so it's not just one giant overwhelming day. Often times I start each day without much of a plan. I am by nature a spontaneous person, and don't like rigidity. I have some things nailed down like grocery shopping and nap time for Rogan, but other than that I do what needs to be done and then tend to avoid what I don't want to do (like clean). 

Right now for instance, I have "write a post for blog" listed on my schedule. As silly as it sounds, if I don't schedule it, it won't happen! My hope is this will help me to be more purposeful with each thing I want to accomplish and do. A way for me to take action and not just think about what I "should" be doing (this is where GUILT creeps in). 

As always I have to extend myself grace because lets face it, some days just don't work out the way we think. For me though, having things written down on paper helps them to 
A.) not be so overwhelming  
B.) hold me accountable

I wouldn't register for a half marathon and then just  "try" and get my workouts in before hand, hoping for the best on race day with 13.1 miles ahead of me. When each day is broken down to achievable tasks then the big number doesn't seem so overwhelming. Same goes with my job (Mom, wife, friend, small business owner), some days are just overwhelming and I lose sight of what really matters. I don't want to float along willy nilly through life hoping for the best. I want to be a good steward of my time and train well for this race of life.  

I realize this exact schedule may not be for everyone, it's just what I'm finding helpful to me right now as well as challenging me to be more disciplined. I'm hoping to gain more "want to's" rather than "have to's" and becoming more consistent on the things that really matter in life.

Thanks for reading. 

PS... by posting this it will hold me accountable to stick with this longer than a week ;)  

Just say No to guilt

This time of year seems to be a perfect opportunity to feel guilt. The Holidays bring with them so much "extra". Extra stress, extra eating, extra spending, extra couch potato time. All those extras and lack of routine are no good for me. My husband just reminded me that this happens every year where I start beating myself up for all the ways I feel I failed. Christmas is over and we're fighting sickness and I didn't take care of myself by exercising and eating good foods. 

And then I feel guilty. I hate to admit it, but he is right. I follow the same cycle every year. 

I groggily got up and stumbled to the couch with my coffee this morning and opened up my devotional by Beth Moore to find this:

"Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don't feel guilty we can come to God with bold confidence." 1 John 3:20-21 

Beth writes, "In the dead of night when insecurities crawl on us like fleas, all of us have terrifying bouts of insecurity and panics of insignificance. Our human natures fail pitifully to the temptation at times to pull out the tape measure and gauge ourselves against people who seem far more gifted and anointed by God." 

I can SO relate to the insecurities that crawl on me at night... (sounds kinda creepy). But those are the times that my mind replays the day. I analyze conversations and the words that came out of my mouth. "I wasn't very kind and patient with so and so. I was critical and judgmental. I didn't run or exercise (I could have at least done a couple push ups or a plank!) I really shouldn't have eaten that cookie or ...(fill in the blank), I should have played with Rogan more, he watched a lot of TV...."  The list could go on but I won't subject you to anymore of my crazy thoughts. 

Guilt! Nasty deceiving lies that sneak in and distract. 

I find it really interesting that 1 John begins with, "See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!"

I'm not acting like a child of God when I beat myself up for falling short. I can also say I'm not going before his throne like a forgiven child of God when I'm busy analyzing my day. Beth also says, "One way we have to respond (to the lies) is by choosing to believe what we know rather than what we feel." 

I don't always feel like a child of God and my actions don't always show it, but I choose to believe that I am because that is what He calls me. 

With 2014 just hours away I think today is great day to let go of 2013 and all the expectations I had for it. 

No guilt. Just a fresh new year where I can go boldly before throne of my heavenly Father, accepting his grace and forgiveness every day. I'm not one for new years resolutions, but if I had to pick one this would be it. 

Accept His love and go to Him with bold confidence as his daughter!  

Happy New Year friends! Thanks for reading. 

Still being still

"Mama, will you grow me a baby in your tummy?"

I swallow hard fighting back the tears as my stomach flip flops. I knew this day would come, yet I still don't feel ready to answer. I reach down deep, quickly asking that God give me the words and the courage to answer this question that I don't even know the answer to.

"Buddy, Mama can't grow a baby in her tummy."

He so graciously accepts the answer and moves on to another thought, another question. I figure a four year old doesn't need to hear the long drawn out answer of, "Doctors say there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and they're baffled as much as we are that it hasn't happened in nine years of trying."

Instead I use this question as a great opportunity to explain to him that a beautiful girl grew him in her belly and gave him to us as a gift. And once again he accepts this as normal and seems content with my answer. If only I could be as resilient as he is and accept the answers of the unkown.

Some time passes, most randomly the question is asked again. Only this time we are driving and he asks me quite specifically if I will grow him a baby brother in my tummy.

I choose to reply this time with "I'm not sure if I can, but I sure would if I could". I proceed to tell him that it's really up to God, not really my decision. He then asks if we can pray...
Who is this kid anyway?! I am pushed to make a choice to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I've prayed about this countless times, but I know that I can forever take this desire to God.
So I drive and pray (with my eyes open of course). I ask God for me to be able to grow a baby brother or sister in my tummy (such raw and honest words requested by a four year old). I can't say I've ever phrased it quite like this before. He corrected me half way through and said, "No, a baby brother, not a sister!" I guess we better be specific while requesting things, right? We finish and he says, "Ok, great now it will happen."
And my heart drops again. Back to praying we go...

"God, may your will be done. You see our hearts and our desires. But you know what's best and having another baby may not be your will and we accept that. We trust you. We trust you God."

He's content, we drive home. My heart is raw once again. Just about the time I feel closure with all of this something is stirred and my heart is ripped wide open AGAIN!

Have you ever said something (or worse, prayed something) and later you have to eat your words?

Not two hours passed and I was eating those very words as a friend told me of her recent pregnancy. I'm happy for them and their blossoming family. Yet my heart aches to be able to give my child what so many mothers give their children with ease... siblings. The words rang out in my head as I hung up the phone and reality sank in. 

I'm standing here...still. Still standing here. 

People are passing me by on every side. I have seriously heard of five new pregnancies in just the last month. And with every one I swallow hard, smile and congratulate them. But inside another piece of my heart breaks.

God, I trust you. I TRUST You God. You know what is best for me, for our family.

I write these words not to get sympathy or pity. I risk a lot by typing these words out. I risk people tip toeing around me and sheltering me. Friends trying to protect me. I risk these things for the hope that someone is reading this that is going through a similar situation.

You are not alone friend! Even though it may feel like it, every one around you is NOT pregnant. I have muttered those words many times, (everyone is pregnant!) then I'm quickly reminded of people I love struggling with the same thing.

Regardless of what we are longing for (a spouse, a home, a job) it can be easy to think everyone else is getting what we want when there is silence in reply to our heartfelt cry.

I was reading a friend's blog earlier this week. She writes about how she finds comfort in 
Psalm 130

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (vs 5-7)

I put my trust in Him. I don't trust myself or my desires. I don't trust people or their opinions on what I should do.

All I have to do is Trust God! Easier said than done. But I will strive a little more each day to trust Him more.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I was a little late for Christmas cards this year so I decided to do "Happy New Year" cards instead. (you all get a preview) And this way we have my grandparents milk house and old white barn as a backdrop which is special and sentimental to me. 

For as long as I can remember my family has spent Christmas eve evening at my grandparents. A tradition that is kept to this day. 

One of my best memories is counting Christmas lights with my older sister on the hour long drive to their house every Christmas eve. We would each count in our head and when we got there we would reveal our numbers to see who had the most. I'm looking forward to passing this tradition on to Rogan someday. 

Pretending to sleep with Great Grandpa and Great Grandma.

Rogan with Grandma and Grandpa (my folks)

We spent Christmas day quietly just the three of us. I am blessed beyond words and truly enjoyed some sweet moments with my boys. 

I wiped the dust from my guitar and together Rogan and I were rock stars! 

So Merry Christmas friends, I pray it has been a blessed time for each of you. Regardless of what you may be going through, I know there can always be moments of light in the midst of the chaos, the pain or trials. These pictures are just a few things that have brought some real light to my heart the last few days.

waiting to watch Frozen on Christmas day

To the End of Myself

About 5 years ago I wrote a song expressing some of the pain I was feeling with infertility. It's pretty specific to the struggles that come with infertility. The chorus however can relate to just about anybody going through anything in this life. 

I was reminded today of the chorus as I was driving home pondering the events of the last couple weeks. I'm amazed at how God's words are timeless, they can apply over and over again throughout many seasons. 

"So I’m brought-

brought to the end of myself.

And I fall-

falling face down at your feet.

Offering nothing but brokenness.

For that’s all-

all I have left of me."

The last couple weeks have proven to me that I truly can't do it on my own. Quite honestly, life is kicking my butt! Nothing catastrophic, just the normal pressures of life. Sometimes I feel the everyday challenges can sneak up on me more than the gut wrenching pain of a really difficult season. Little things build and add up in my heart (and my shoulders because I forget to breathe) and next thing I know my veins are popping out of my neck when the dog runs me over to make it through the gate before me.  

This isn't the real issue, although it is irritating. The deeper issue is the pain building inside. The burdens I pack around, the chaos in my head.  

My heart hurts for loved ones dealing with really tough stuff.

I hurt from letting go of a ministry I love dearly and have known for so long. Trusting God in the next season of my life and where He wants to use me.

Admitting I'm wrong. 

Cleaning up poop and mud and puke.

Frustrations from misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

I think I'm taking things in stride. Picking up each one of these things and doing okay. 

And really, what I need most is to fall, fall face down at His Feet. Bring Him my brokenness (and in this instance), my chaos, my worry, my doubt. 

Admit to my Heavenly Father that I'm done, I'm at the end of myself. 

I believe that's what He desires most from us is to be at His feet and admit that we can't do it on our own. We don't necessarily need to be going through the worst of times to come to this place. Yet I think it's harder to come to him and admit weakness when life is going good. How quickly we can count more on our own abilities and strengths.

Ephesians 3:17 says, "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." 

It's always about being connected to Him. And you know what? That's fine by me. Because with Him I'm a much better version of myself. 

May you experience God's peace and love this week and enjoy the days leading up to Christmas. 

Thanks for reading.