Setting a New Expectation & Telling the Truth

Rogan stood in the kitchen just minutes before it was time to leave for school, he looked up at the counter where his Lego droid sat in toy prison (that's a robot type thing from Star Wars, in case I lost you there).

Out of the blue he said, "I'm going to tell William today that I forgot my Droid at home." I was so occupied with getting out the door, coat on, shoes on the correct feet, dogs out , etc that it almost didn't sink in what he was really saying. The night before he got it taken away as a consequence, and evidently that day at school he had told his little friend that he would bring it the following day and show him. But now that he didn't have it for 3 days he devised a plan and made up a reason as to why he wouldn't have it. I told him that wasn't the real reason and he could just tell his friend he got in trouble and got it taken away for a few days. The look on his face said it all and he started to panic saying there's no way he could tell him. I paused much longer now and got down to his level. "Buddy, it's no big deal. Just tell him the truth. Why don't you want to tell him that you got in trouble?" Of course his response was a shoulder shrug with a "I don't know". I waited and asked again.

"Why do you feel you can't be honest with him?"

And then reluctantly he responded with a quiet whisper,

"Because then he won't be my friend."

I quickly assured him that I'm sure that wouldn't scare his friend away. I pondered this the rest of the day because I too face this almost daily. Fearing that they won't accept me if I'm real. 

As grownups (and obviously as kids) it is painful and terrifying to be transparent. Putting our hearts out there and telling the truth even if it is over the simplest of things. We make excuses and build little white lies as to why we can't come to the party or why we did this or didn't do that. The truth is scary and even more so when we don't get a response we had hoped for. Often times I get wrapped up in trying to please others and not letting them down. If I could just stop and ask myself why it matters so much. What's the worst that's gonna happen? They won't like me? Come on! That's about as silly as the conversation with my 6 year old this morning.

So what if we were all a little more honest? Not like airing all our dirty laundry for the whole world to see or sharing every detail. But being real enough to say, "yea today was stressful getting out of the house for the weekend and my husband and I were fighting before our romantic anniversary weekend." (Yes, that totally just happened) 

Being brave enough to say that you too have picked your kid up late from school or lost your cool and yelled or.... (Fill in the blank.) We all have those not so pretty moments, those times when we should probably have our most beloved toy put in prison.

Why are we so afraid to admit weakness and the fact that we don't have it all together? Some days I share the not so pretty truth easily and quickly. The words no sooner leave my lips and I am spooked because being honest and vulnerable is quite scary.

So why do I keep doing it, and why was it so important for Rogan to tell his friend the truth (other than the obvious reason to not lie)?

Because I believe that when we are vulnerable and brave we pave a path encouraging others to do the same. In doing so it drops the expectations that we must have it all together. Whether they follow or not, it is worth it, it may be what sets them free. 


The story ended well. Rogan said he needed my help to tell his friend why he didn't bring the Lego to school, so we did it together. I will admit I was laughing a little on the inside because this little kindergartner was looking at Rogan and I like we were going to tell him his dog died. To Rogan it was that serious. All was right with the world when his friend responded with a simple, "Oh, okay."

I realize it isn't always this easy to tell the truth and also that not everyone is a safe person but I thought this innocent example from a 6 year old served well to remind me how ridiculous I am at times and that being real is important. 

Let's be brave and real, showing others that it's okay to not be perfect. 

Thanks for reading friends. 

Where We've Been

Recently I learned of a photographer that was doing a special series about marriage. She was looking for three married couples all ranging in years married and soon to be celebrating an anniversary. She wrote in her blog about why she was doing this and how she is intrigued about each person's story, the highs and lows, the hard times...

"I want to document a life that's been made together. I want to photograph monogamy at its finest. I want to hear about the hardest thing, the biggest hump, that time you almost walked away, that time you came back, that uphill struggle, that pile of bills, those kids getting hurt and being sick or laughing at Dad or painting with Mom." -Laurken with Jolie Vue Photography

A tear rolled down my cheek as I finished reading because I saw our story written all over this. Like anytime I'm about to do something scary my hands started to sweat and my heart picked up the pace. "What am I doing?!" I thought, but oh well, here it goes. So I sat down and thought about us, about the highlights and the lowest lows, there are the obvious big mountains and then there are the times in between where we are coasting. And so, in light of our 16 year anniversary today I thought I would share with you all what I wrote to her. I don't expect to be selected but really, it's okay because what came from it was much better. Like always, words and writing help me to process and see reality more clearly. Sometimes I carry on in survival mode and forget to appreciate the hard work or see the beauty in the chaos. 

Here is what I wrote:   

"When I think about how I would write to you or how to sum up our journey, it has caused me to reflect and appreciate what my husband and I have been through and especially this past year. I'm not sure where to start and I don't want to bore you to death with every detail.
Here is a blog post I wrote a couple years ago and this is where it all started for us. The guy in the red Chevy pickup 

We brought a lot of baggage into our marriage as I mentioned in the post. The first 5 years of marriage were basically just rebuilding and trying to learn new tools, taking classes at our church and going to counseling. And then we decided to start a family. Gung ho and ready we "tried". Month after month passed and still no baby. The next 5 years we found ourselves getting fertility procedures and tests done all the while our friends are effortlessly getting pregnant. I sunk into deep depression and despite my husband's frustration with not being able to fix it he never gave up hope. I remember standing in our garage one day at my wits ends, crying and telling him I give up. He just looked up at me at said, "It's going to happen for us, I know. God is going to bless us with a baby." I didn't believe him but he stayed strong clinging to Faith for me when I couldn't. (You can read more about our adoption journey here).
Fast forward now to last year, we have an amazing 5 year old son that is a beaming light of God's love and provisions. 

Life is good, we were blessed with a humble little home on a few acres which has always been our dream, our son is getting to the age where he can go along hunting and hiking and adventuring with us. Yet my heart still ached for pregnancy and a baby. The 10 year mark had hit for "trying" and I found myself grieving the loss of not becoming pregnant still. We felt the pressures of it all on our family but especially on our marriage more than ever. I'm not sure why other than the nagging repetition of the same pain over and over for so long. We feared for our marriage, and knew that if we didn't get help, talk to some trusted friends and get new tools that we may not endure much longer.

I can't say that it's all peachy but I can say that after many honest heartfelt talks, tears shed and getting back to the things that fill us up we are happy. Like happy to be together just burning brush on our property or being together in the shop working on projects. God is so good and though I know my heart is not completely healed from the pain of infertility I can say that I have experienced a contentment and peace these past several months that I have prayed a very long time for. I trust that God knows what he is doing in our life and I look forward to spending many more years with my best friend."


Honestly, weeks have passed and I have forgotten about the photo session, it really isn't the focus. Rather, it has been on where we've been, what we have endured together, how we continue to find humor in the everyday stresses of life and look for hope in the unknowns ahead of us. 

So, on this 16th wedding anniversary we will celebrate the story and life we have lived together and continue finding adventure in it all.

Thank you to the friends who have walked by our side along the way and been such an important part of our relationship.