"Satisfy all my longings and fill all my hollow places with your love."
I think it's in all human beings. The belief that we will finally be satisfied when we find the perfect spouse or job, when we buy a house, become pregnant, vacation someplace tropical, the list could go on with all the things that we think will finally settle us. That which will make us happy. I know that none of these things will ever truly fill that void in my heart, although they can bring some joy to my life. I believe we can and should ask God specifically for the things we desire, and sometimes He answers those prayers specifically. But, sometimes He doesn't. That is a fact. What if years of prayers go unanswered? Does this mean that we can never really be at peace or experience joy in our life?
Several years into our infertility journey I began to ask that God would take away the desire for me to become pregnant if it wasn't in His will. My heart cry changed from one of request to one of "please just give me a peace." A contentment that comes despite circumstances changing can't be explained or forced. I had tried so many times to surrender and do the right thing, yet the emptiness remained.
I stepped up to the microphone at church on Thanksgiving Sunday. My hands were sweating and I was shaking straight through my body. I knew I had to share because my heart started to pound out of my chest sitting in my chair. God had changed something in my heart just months prior, the miracle of contentment and peace. I said, "We have prayed for over 10 years for something and He has not answered that prayer, I have also asked for Him to give me a peace regardless of His answer. For years I have prayed this way and today I can say that I am thankful because I feel a true contentment and at peace with this journey He has us on. I am okay with His answer, after all these years I can finally say it's okay."
Anyone who has faithfully waited for something for years knows that a peace that passes all understanding is just as refreshing as the wish coming true. To be able to look at the day ahead of me and feel hope and excitement is nothing that can be achieved in a formula. Making a choice of surrender regardless of how I feel is something I strive for. But sometimes it takes awhile for the feelings to catch up to my choice. I don't always feel great after doing the right thing. It's in those times that I am reminded that peace also comes in His perfect timing.
I kept quiet with this new found contentment afraid to share it with anyone until that Sunday morning in church. In my pessimistic thinking I just knew that as soon as I admitted peace I would get hit with the baby blues. And guess what? I did. For some reason Christmas has a way of bringing up so much emotion. Grieving the loss of pregnancy is still fresh and being surrounded by pregnant friends and those planning for it has a way of slowly distracting me. The blues crept back in so subtle and before I knew it the ugliness of discontentment was making its home in my heart.
The peace wasn't real... I knew it!
"So do not through away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36
I am familiar with this verse but something stood out very different to me when I opened up my Bible and embraced God's truth concerning my recent struggle. There is a wonderful true peace only He can give and
It Is Real!
It's so easy to get wrapped up in my selfish desires, entitlement, bad attitude, laziness and pride. All of those things push me further from God and before I know it I'm on a downward spiral of comparing and chasing cheap replacements.
"Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
He gives peace, freely. He does not take it away or trick me. So maybe in those times I feel burdened with the void and wrestling with my discontent I should look first at where I'm turning for fulfillment. The truth is there waiting for me, the question is, will I listen for it. And so I will continue to embrace the peace He has given me. I know everyday won't feel good, but the truth remains... He is faithful to give me all I need.
May we each find encouragement on the path we are on, whether prayers are answered the way we had hoped or whether we are being called to wait. Either way, He can and will give you a peace and the grace it takes to endure. He just asks that we draw close to Him, because on our own we are empty and discontent.
