When I cannot Stand

My greatest inspiration to write is through a song. Maybe because that is when my heart is most moved and when I find clarity in anxiety and pain. I tend to pack around a burden without even realizing it, probably because I think I am better put together and a little tougher than I actually am.  

I should see it coming by now, the warning signs. I get critical, negative, and my attitude is just down right ugly. I turn into a cross between Eeyore and a rabid skunk. That is the symptom, but the real problem is the pain building like the pressure from a pop can that someone has been shaking just ready to explode at any given moment.  

A song I am quite familiar with begins to play Sunday morning and I sing the words with all my distracted thoughts swarming around in my head. 

"Where sin runs deep Your grace is more, where grace is found is where you are, and where you are, Lord I am free. Holiness is Christ in me." 

I feel my throat catch and I'm unable to even finish the song, I close my eyes, raise my hands in surrender and let the tears fall. It's in that moment I realize how much my heart is hurting and how ugly I am without Christ in me. The song goes on to say, "Lord, I need you, oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense my righteousness oh God how I need you. And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you. Jesus, your'e my hope and stay." 

Why do I feel I must be strong? Why do I need to keep pretending like my heart isn't continually being ripped out by the pain of infertility. With the news of new pregnancies rising everyday I keep swallowing hard and smiling and telling God I trust you. But I'm still standing here Still and it's hard not to feel forgotten when this one little dream remains unfulfilled. I have prayed just as many times for God to take this desire to be pregnant away as I have prayed to become pregnant. It is a burden. I don't want to feel hurt when others effortlessly become pregnant or have my throat close in on me after being in a room with 100 pregnant women clutching their pregnant bellies (that might be an exaggeration, but that's how it feels sometimes). I don't want to be wrapped in chains of disappointment by an empty womb. 

I have tried many times over the years to "do what I should do" to surrender. A formula if you will. One very important thing I've learned is, there is no formula or magic answer. I believe it's simply a process, one of constant surrender. Humility to be okay with the fact that I am not "good" on my own...nope, I'm quite selfish and mean. And I am not tough or strong, just weak and fragile. But that's okay because Holiness is Christ in me. 

Even though the message on Sunday was about moving us as a church body and going on a big journey together, I also feel God had something very specific for me and my individual life journey. 

We closed with this song and it sums up what God wanted me to hear. 

"Promise maker, promise keeper. You finish what you begin. Our provision through the desert. You see it through till the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful never changing through the ages. From this darkness you will lead us. And forever we will say, Your'e the Lord our God. In the silence in the waiting, still we know you are good. All your plans are for your glory. Yes we can know you are good. Your'e the light of all and all that we need." 

He truly is the light of all and all that I need. The desert seasons will still come (and it seems to be of that season lately) but I hold on to his promise that He will carry me through those times and He knows just how to speak to me in a way that I will understand. And lastly, When I cannot stand I can fall on him and where he is, there I'm free.

(the songs I referenced are, Matt Maher "I need you" and Kristian Stanfill "Passion-The Lord our God")

***A side note to all my pregnant friends and family, I love each of you and am truly happy for your growing family. It's a dichotomy of what my head chooses and what my heart feels. 

Thanks for reading a part of my journey :)