Listening to That Nudge

I made a commitment to myself to write every week and I must admit, this week is tough. I struggle to find the words today with such heartache for my family and friends going through Really tough stuff.  

I type a few words and hit backspace and then do it again. A text comes through from a friend with more sad news, I get on my knees and pray, I go to the fridge, I fight distraction because in times like this all I want to do is check out and escape, to walk away from my computer and do laundry or sleep or...anything but try and find clarity. 

Yet, my thoughts keep going back to thankfulness. I fight to write this, because the last thing I want is to come across as a cliche in the midst of such difficult times for my family. But I just can't shake this heart of gratitude surrounding the pain.

What I am most grateful for is the lessons and opportunity this past week to love. The tangible ways to help someone or show love and support by action. While I think saying "I love you" is so important, it's also the actions that communicate more than what words can say at times. 

As most of you know I really like the book "Love Does" by Bob Goff. If you haven't read the book yet, you are missing out! ;) What I appreciate about Bob is he doesn't seem to care what people think or over analyze if he should or shouldn't do something. I don't personally know him but I don't think you could do the crazy things he does if you were an over analyzer. I look at my own life and recognize that I would do so many more acts of love if I didn't get caught up in my head of over thinking or being selfish of my time. 


My Aunt Susan was an example of that love with action. As we celebrated her life this week I heard many stories of how she lived that way consistently and how it impacted so many lives, mine included. I reflect on not only my Aunt's life but also the lives of those around me and how they have blessed my life by "doing". 

May we never underestimate the impact we can make on someone's life when we act upon the nudge to: 

• write a note of encouragement
• just show up with homemade chicken noodle soup and feed people
• buy someone a dozen roses, just because 
• drop a card at a friends door
• sit and listen
• pick up the phone and call
• change a flat tire
• give a long hug with no words

These are just a few things I recently witnessed and experienced this past week. The opportunities are endless and unique to each individual since we live in a world where pain and disappointment surround us. I don't believe God wants us to be exhausted and depleted running around with no boundaries giving and doing out of obligation. But I do believe we all have experienced that little tug on our heart to show love at one time or another. And this week has been a reminder to me to never ignore it. Although, if we do ignore it, the great (grace) thing is, there will always be another opportunity to act on love. 

How have you experienced Love in action lately. Please share, as I think it can encourage us to make a big impact in lives with what may seem like something insignificant. 

When I cannot Stand

My greatest inspiration to write is through a song. Maybe because that is when my heart is most moved and when I find clarity in anxiety and pain. I tend to pack around a burden without even realizing it, probably because I think I am better put together and a little tougher than I actually am.  

I should see it coming by now, the warning signs. I get critical, negative, and my attitude is just down right ugly. I turn into a cross between Eeyore and a rabid skunk. That is the symptom, but the real problem is the pain building like the pressure from a pop can that someone has been shaking just ready to explode at any given moment.  

A song I am quite familiar with begins to play Sunday morning and I sing the words with all my distracted thoughts swarming around in my head. 

"Where sin runs deep Your grace is more, where grace is found is where you are, and where you are, Lord I am free. Holiness is Christ in me." 

I feel my throat catch and I'm unable to even finish the song, I close my eyes, raise my hands in surrender and let the tears fall. It's in that moment I realize how much my heart is hurting and how ugly I am without Christ in me. The song goes on to say, "Lord, I need you, oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense my righteousness oh God how I need you. And when I cannot stand I'll fall on you. Jesus, your'e my hope and stay." 

Why do I feel I must be strong? Why do I need to keep pretending like my heart isn't continually being ripped out by the pain of infertility. With the news of new pregnancies rising everyday I keep swallowing hard and smiling and telling God I trust you. But I'm still standing here Still and it's hard not to feel forgotten when this one little dream remains unfulfilled. I have prayed just as many times for God to take this desire to be pregnant away as I have prayed to become pregnant. It is a burden. I don't want to feel hurt when others effortlessly become pregnant or have my throat close in on me after being in a room with 100 pregnant women clutching their pregnant bellies (that might be an exaggeration, but that's how it feels sometimes). I don't want to be wrapped in chains of disappointment by an empty womb. 

I have tried many times over the years to "do what I should do" to surrender. A formula if you will. One very important thing I've learned is, there is no formula or magic answer. I believe it's simply a process, one of constant surrender. Humility to be okay with the fact that I am not "good" on my own...nope, I'm quite selfish and mean. And I am not tough or strong, just weak and fragile. But that's okay because Holiness is Christ in me. 

Even though the message on Sunday was about moving us as a church body and going on a big journey together, I also feel God had something very specific for me and my individual life journey. 

We closed with this song and it sums up what God wanted me to hear. 

"Promise maker, promise keeper. You finish what you begin. Our provision through the desert. You see it through till the end. The Lord our God is ever faithful never changing through the ages. From this darkness you will lead us. And forever we will say, Your'e the Lord our God. In the silence in the waiting, still we know you are good. All your plans are for your glory. Yes we can know you are good. Your'e the light of all and all that we need." 

He truly is the light of all and all that I need. The desert seasons will still come (and it seems to be of that season lately) but I hold on to his promise that He will carry me through those times and He knows just how to speak to me in a way that I will understand. And lastly, When I cannot stand I can fall on him and where he is, there I'm free.

(the songs I referenced are, Matt Maher "I need you" and Kristian Stanfill "Passion-The Lord our God")

***A side note to all my pregnant friends and family, I love each of you and am truly happy for your growing family. It's a dichotomy of what my head chooses and what my heart feels. 

Thanks for reading a part of my journey :) 

A Valentine Treat

My husband (being my #1 encourage-er) tells me that what he appreciates most about my writing is that it comes from my heart. I guess you could say that's my signature, heart felt writing usually from a place of pain or challenge. 

Yet, another very big part of my life is FOOD! Yes, I have made it my mission to find healthy, "friendly" recipes that fit into my crazy food intolerant life. I love to cook and bake and refuse to let my food sensitives stop me. Instead it has taught me about new ingredients and creative ways to have treats, as I like to call them, "friendly treats". 

Chocolate and Valentine's Day seem to go hand in hand, so today I will share this little concoction I made up... 
Enjoy! 

Paleo Valentine Kisses

1/2 c Almond butter

1/4 c unsweetened cocoa powder (I use Trader Joe's)

1/2 c unsweetened shredded coconut

1 TBS chia seeds

1 TBS cashew meal (any nut meal would also work)

1 TBS coconut oil (melted)

1 TBS pure vanilla extract

8-10 drops Nu Natural Stevia (I have the vanilla flavor and love it) 

1/2 c freeze dried raspberries (no sugar added) 

Combine all ingredients except raspberries until smooth, you can throw it all in the food processor or just mix by hand. After everything is mixed in, carefully mix in the raspberries. Scoop out with a teaspoon. I like to leave them in little dome shapes, but you could also roll them into balls. 

Freeze till set. Store in refrigerator or freezer. 

Excuse this terrible picture... I won't claim to be a photographer ;) 

Happy Valentine's day and thanks for reading!

LESS fretting and MORE trusting

A couple months ago I wrote a post about my upcoming trip to Guatemala and how it was such a big step of faith not knowing how we were going to pay for the trip. As I've experienced in the past when I feel a nudge to move in a particular direction the best thing to do is just start taking the steps. And of course pray about it too. In a short time God makes it real clear if it's where He's leading me or if it was my own plan. 

I announced in my first post that all profits of my leather business from December through March would go toward my trip and anything exceeding that amount would go toward the new program to feed the hungry kids in Guatemala. 

I am excited to say that my trip is fully funded! Leather orders came rushing in before Christmas and generous donations in response to my support letters. Not only is my trip paid for, but we were also able to give toward the nutrition program at the school, as well as help buy supplies for the two schools to take with us on our trip.  

This would not have been possible without the help and support you have all given to me! 

With any step of faith I've ever taken the same thing is always true, God just wants my obedience of a "yes" answer. Then he can step in and work out all the details. 

Just like in October of 2008 when Mike and I started taking those first steps toward adoption it was extremely overwhelming. We were staring giant mountains of paperwork, money and time in the face. All this after years of emotional exhaustion from infertility. I remember doubting and asking God how this would all be possible. We had no idea if the journey we were embarking on would turn out exactly as we had hoped, but one thing we could do was say "yes" and start taking steps in that direction. Many of you know our story, but for those of you that don't, we were only on the waiting list for four months when we were chosen by a birth mom. From the day we started filling out paperwork to the day we were holding a tiny baby in our arms was almost exactly one year. With domestic infant adoption, that is phenomenal! (You can read more about our story here.) 

While this recent endeavor with my trip to Guatemala is much different than adoption, it reminds me of my past experiences. I wouldn't consider myself a person with strong faith. Unfortunately I get anxious and doubt and fret and stress a lot more than I'd like to admit. And then when I least expect it God comes through in a miraculous way and I am humbled once again that HE, the God of the universe cares about me so much that he would chose me to be his hands and feet in Guatemala. Or in reference to adoption, that he would choose us to get the privilege of raising Rogan. 

I know there will forever be opportunities to step out in faith. And if they quit presenting themselves to me then I better be worried because I'm probably not living my life. :) My goal though, is do less of the fretting and more of the trusting! 

And with all that being said, a big Thank you for all your prayers and support for this trip. I look forward to keeping you all updated as the trip gets closer and share all that God does in my life while in Guatemala for 10 days!