Just say No to guilt

This time of year seems to be a perfect opportunity to feel guilt. The Holidays bring with them so much "extra". Extra stress, extra eating, extra spending, extra couch potato time. All those extras and lack of routine are no good for me. My husband just reminded me that this happens every year where I start beating myself up for all the ways I feel I failed. Christmas is over and we're fighting sickness and I didn't take care of myself by exercising and eating good foods. 

And then I feel guilty. I hate to admit it, but he is right. I follow the same cycle every year. 

I groggily got up and stumbled to the couch with my coffee this morning and opened up my devotional by Beth Moore to find this:

"Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if we don't feel guilty we can come to God with bold confidence." 1 John 3:20-21 

Beth writes, "In the dead of night when insecurities crawl on us like fleas, all of us have terrifying bouts of insecurity and panics of insignificance. Our human natures fail pitifully to the temptation at times to pull out the tape measure and gauge ourselves against people who seem far more gifted and anointed by God." 

I can SO relate to the insecurities that crawl on me at night... (sounds kinda creepy). But those are the times that my mind replays the day. I analyze conversations and the words that came out of my mouth. "I wasn't very kind and patient with so and so. I was critical and judgmental. I didn't run or exercise (I could have at least done a couple push ups or a plank!) I really shouldn't have eaten that cookie or ...(fill in the blank), I should have played with Rogan more, he watched a lot of TV...."  The list could go on but I won't subject you to anymore of my crazy thoughts. 

Guilt! Nasty deceiving lies that sneak in and distract. 

I find it really interesting that 1 John begins with, "See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!"

I'm not acting like a child of God when I beat myself up for falling short. I can also say I'm not going before his throne like a forgiven child of God when I'm busy analyzing my day. Beth also says, "One way we have to respond (to the lies) is by choosing to believe what we know rather than what we feel." 

I don't always feel like a child of God and my actions don't always show it, but I choose to believe that I am because that is what He calls me. 

With 2014 just hours away I think today is great day to let go of 2013 and all the expectations I had for it. 

No guilt. Just a fresh new year where I can go boldly before throne of my heavenly Father, accepting his grace and forgiveness every day. I'm not one for new years resolutions, but if I had to pick one this would be it. 

Accept His love and go to Him with bold confidence as his daughter!  

Happy New Year friends! Thanks for reading. 

Still being still

"Mama, will you grow me a baby in your tummy?"

I swallow hard fighting back the tears as my stomach flip flops. I knew this day would come, yet I still don't feel ready to answer. I reach down deep, quickly asking that God give me the words and the courage to answer this question that I don't even know the answer to.

"Buddy, Mama can't grow a baby in her tummy."

He so graciously accepts the answer and moves on to another thought, another question. I figure a four year old doesn't need to hear the long drawn out answer of, "Doctors say there's no reason we shouldn't get pregnant and they're baffled as much as we are that it hasn't happened in nine years of trying."

Instead I use this question as a great opportunity to explain to him that a beautiful girl grew him in her belly and gave him to us as a gift. And once again he accepts this as normal and seems content with my answer. If only I could be as resilient as he is and accept the answers of the unkown.

Some time passes, most randomly the question is asked again. Only this time we are driving and he asks me quite specifically if I will grow him a baby brother in my tummy.

I choose to reply this time with "I'm not sure if I can, but I sure would if I could". I proceed to tell him that it's really up to God, not really my decision. He then asks if we can pray...
Who is this kid anyway?! I am pushed to make a choice to do the right thing regardless of how I feel. I've prayed about this countless times, but I know that I can forever take this desire to God.
So I drive and pray (with my eyes open of course). I ask God for me to be able to grow a baby brother or sister in my tummy (such raw and honest words requested by a four year old). I can't say I've ever phrased it quite like this before. He corrected me half way through and said, "No, a baby brother, not a sister!" I guess we better be specific while requesting things, right? We finish and he says, "Ok, great now it will happen."
And my heart drops again. Back to praying we go...

"God, may your will be done. You see our hearts and our desires. But you know what's best and having another baby may not be your will and we accept that. We trust you. We trust you God."

He's content, we drive home. My heart is raw once again. Just about the time I feel closure with all of this something is stirred and my heart is ripped wide open AGAIN!

Have you ever said something (or worse, prayed something) and later you have to eat your words?

Not two hours passed and I was eating those very words as a friend told me of her recent pregnancy. I'm happy for them and their blossoming family. Yet my heart aches to be able to give my child what so many mothers give their children with ease... siblings. The words rang out in my head as I hung up the phone and reality sank in. 

I'm standing here...still. Still standing here. 

People are passing me by on every side. I have seriously heard of five new pregnancies in just the last month. And with every one I swallow hard, smile and congratulate them. But inside another piece of my heart breaks.

God, I trust you. I TRUST You God. You know what is best for me, for our family.

I write these words not to get sympathy or pity. I risk a lot by typing these words out. I risk people tip toeing around me and sheltering me. Friends trying to protect me. I risk these things for the hope that someone is reading this that is going through a similar situation.

You are not alone friend! Even though it may feel like it, every one around you is NOT pregnant. I have muttered those words many times, (everyone is pregnant!) then I'm quickly reminded of people I love struggling with the same thing.

Regardless of what we are longing for (a spouse, a home, a job) it can be easy to think everyone else is getting what we want when there is silence in reply to our heartfelt cry.

I was reading a friend's blog earlier this week. She writes about how she finds comfort in 
Psalm 130

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. (vs 5-7)

I put my trust in Him. I don't trust myself or my desires. I don't trust people or their opinions on what I should do.

All I have to do is Trust God! Easier said than done. But I will strive a little more each day to trust Him more.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I was a little late for Christmas cards this year so I decided to do "Happy New Year" cards instead. (you all get a preview) And this way we have my grandparents milk house and old white barn as a backdrop which is special and sentimental to me. 

For as long as I can remember my family has spent Christmas eve evening at my grandparents. A tradition that is kept to this day. 

One of my best memories is counting Christmas lights with my older sister on the hour long drive to their house every Christmas eve. We would each count in our head and when we got there we would reveal our numbers to see who had the most. I'm looking forward to passing this tradition on to Rogan someday. 

Pretending to sleep with Great Grandpa and Great Grandma.

Rogan with Grandma and Grandpa (my folks)

We spent Christmas day quietly just the three of us. I am blessed beyond words and truly enjoyed some sweet moments with my boys. 

I wiped the dust from my guitar and together Rogan and I were rock stars! 

So Merry Christmas friends, I pray it has been a blessed time for each of you. Regardless of what you may be going through, I know there can always be moments of light in the midst of the chaos, the pain or trials. These pictures are just a few things that have brought some real light to my heart the last few days.

waiting to watch Frozen on Christmas day

To the End of Myself

About 5 years ago I wrote a song expressing some of the pain I was feeling with infertility. It's pretty specific to the struggles that come with infertility. The chorus however can relate to just about anybody going through anything in this life. 

I was reminded today of the chorus as I was driving home pondering the events of the last couple weeks. I'm amazed at how God's words are timeless, they can apply over and over again throughout many seasons. 

"So I’m brought-

brought to the end of myself.

And I fall-

falling face down at your feet.

Offering nothing but brokenness.

For that’s all-

all I have left of me."

The last couple weeks have proven to me that I truly can't do it on my own. Quite honestly, life is kicking my butt! Nothing catastrophic, just the normal pressures of life. Sometimes I feel the everyday challenges can sneak up on me more than the gut wrenching pain of a really difficult season. Little things build and add up in my heart (and my shoulders because I forget to breathe) and next thing I know my veins are popping out of my neck when the dog runs me over to make it through the gate before me.  

This isn't the real issue, although it is irritating. The deeper issue is the pain building inside. The burdens I pack around, the chaos in my head.  

My heart hurts for loved ones dealing with really tough stuff.

I hurt from letting go of a ministry I love dearly and have known for so long. Trusting God in the next season of my life and where He wants to use me.

Admitting I'm wrong. 

Cleaning up poop and mud and puke.

Frustrations from misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

I think I'm taking things in stride. Picking up each one of these things and doing okay. 

And really, what I need most is to fall, fall face down at His Feet. Bring Him my brokenness (and in this instance), my chaos, my worry, my doubt. 

Admit to my Heavenly Father that I'm done, I'm at the end of myself. 

I believe that's what He desires most from us is to be at His feet and admit that we can't do it on our own. We don't necessarily need to be going through the worst of times to come to this place. Yet I think it's harder to come to him and admit weakness when life is going good. How quickly we can count more on our own abilities and strengths.

Ephesians 3:17 says, "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong." 

It's always about being connected to Him. And you know what? That's fine by me. Because with Him I'm a much better version of myself. 

May you experience God's peace and love this week and enjoy the days leading up to Christmas. 

Thanks for reading. 

Steps of Faith

I have exciting news... In March I will be going on a mission trip to Guatemala with a group of people from my church! 

I recently learned that Guatemala has one of the highest percent of malnourished children in the world and that the literacy rate is less than fifty percent. I have felt a tug on my heart for this trip for years and am honored to get to be a part of the team this time.

Some of the work that our group will focus on includes:

• Spending time at two schools that our church sponsors, running a vacation bible school program and hosting a bible study for the teachers.
• Building a home for a needy family.
• Visit the city dump and connect with the community that lives there.
• Establishing relationships at homes of the currently sponsored children. ( I am especially excited about this.  We sponsor a 6 yr old boy named Samuel and I will get to meet him and his family as well as spend time with him during the week we are at the school.) 
• Visit sick children awaiting hospital treatment at Kairos house.

I went to a recent orientation meeting and have began taking steps of faith toward this trip. I say steps of faith because this trip isn't possible in my own strength and I am having to trust that God will work out all the details.  

I am asking you (my friends and family) for help and support. This isn't just another support letter asking for money, but rather a way for you to be a part of something amazing that I believe God is going to do. 

So here are the details and tangible ways you can help:

Prayer: I will need prayer for health, safety, finances and for everything to go smoothly here at home while I'm gone. Also for our team that lives would be changed and for the work and relationships in Guatemala.   

Financial support: The cost is around $1500-$1700 depending on plane tickets. This is more than we can afford as a family. 

Starting now through the time we departure I will be giving 100% of my Leather Creations
income to help pay for the trip. If you are looking to do some Christmas shopping or want to buy yourself something, now is a great time to buy! You can visit my Etsy shop with the link above or if you are local you can contact me for an appointment. 

Another way you can give is donate to Foothills Community Church  donations must be received by 2/16/14 (please include my name in the comments section of the online donation) All donations are tax deductible. 

My hope is to sell so many Leather Creations and raise enough money to not only pay for my way to Guatemala but exceed that amount and contribute toward the nutrition program we as a church are starting at Light of the World School.

When I do the math and calculate how much I need to come up with financially it seems impossible and overwhelming. And in my own strength it is! 

I know to God this is no major mountain to move. All He's asking is that I be willing to trust...and that I am. Trusting that He will use me in mighty ways to help change lives in Guatemala. 


Thank you for reading and please know that any amount of money or prayers, are greatly appreciated. 

Our sponsor child Samuel