"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." Matt. 7:7
I recently came across this verse in a devotional. It jumped off the page at me and laid a little heavy on my heart. I wrote it down in my journal and I asked God if He really means it for me and my life, I questioned that He did.
If I am honest, like really truly honest I struggle with Faith. I have a hard time believing that something is going to work out or a prayer will simply be answered. And then when specific prayers aren't answered I wish I'd stayed back in the safe zone where I won't be let down. If I don't put my heart on the line or make my desires known then I can pick myself up and move on a little easier. But crying out to God from the very depths of my heart and then hearing only silence leaves me wrestling and even angry at times.
The problem is, I don't want to live numb and silent. I want a rich life, one where I come boldly to the throne of the one who made me and pour my heart out (even when I don't hear a reply). This verse stirred something so deep in me and caused me to ask God if it was true because since June of 2005 I have been bringing the same heart desire to Him. God has blessed us so much and I have seen so many miracles in our life, they have built my faith and trust in God over these past 11 years.
But I would be lying if I said that this one teeny tiny thing (becoming pregnant) was not still a big desire for me. A bit of a barrier between me and God and my faith journey.
I have told myself and others that it's all good and I enjoy this season we find ourselves in. Some days I believe it. There have been seasons of contentment and overwhelming blessings. No matter what though there is always this aching void, a deep desire that I have surrendered more times than I can count.
It is easier to convince myself and even those closest to me that I am content and fine. I joke about how terrible those sleepless nights and diapers would be after so many years not having them. I lie to myself hoping that someday maybe I will believe it.
Honesty is scary. Not having an answer or a solution is terrifying. And it makes people uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I know this because I have experienced it. Friends and well meaning people want to solve it and fix it. They are quick to offer a solution or give advice that maybe I need to surrender. As time has passed, the advice has changed and now there are suggestions to count my blessings, grieve the dying dream and accept the no answer that God has given.
Yet something remains deep inside my heart and though I feel that everyone has given up and grown weary of this pain I carry, I just can't seem to completely bury this desire.
So if God says to keep on asking then why should I stop talking to him about what is weighing on my fragile heart?
Last Summer I was reminded of a story in the Bible, one I learned about in Sunday school but never saw the message of faith like I have as an adult. It's in Daniel, when King Nebuchadnezzar was going to throw Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego into the fire. They replied, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us from your power, Your majesty. But even if he doesn't, we want to make clear to you, Your majesty that we will never serve your gods..."
They must have sounded crazy stating that God could save them from the fire, but it doesn't stop there. In a way they are saying that no matter the outcome God is good and they will serve Him. Even though it doesn't say these words exactly, there is a popular line that comes from this verse... "and if not He is still good." This has become somewhat of a mantra or reminder to me. A statement of faith and acceptance.
I believe we all have a desire that we reluctantly whisper to God. One that seems crazy to others. After many years and much silence we think that maybe we shouldn't have asked or convince ourselves that we didn't even want it that bad in the first place. Maybe we feel guilty that we aren't appreciating the blessings He has already given us by asking for something more. But instead of letting it die and letting guilt silence us, what if we shined light on this "thing" and offered it back to God (even if it is for the 100th time)?
It is terrifying, it is vulnerable and it certainly doesn't feel good. We don't shine light into these areas for a guaranteed answer or for security, we simply let God's light shine so the darkness doesn't win.
Together may we bring our deepest most treasured requests before God, trust Him with our frailty, our doubts, our disbelief. Trust Him despite the answers or the silence, trust Him because this is faith.
Trust Him because even if He stays silent, He is still good.
