Learning To Bend So I Don't Break

Across the road from our house is a forest of trees. There are many of them and when the wind blows it is truly phenomenal to watch as they bend and sway. Moving with such grace yet there is nothing delicate about them, they are strong and tall. 


There is something very magical that happens when the wind is just picking up. It starts somewhere far away and if you listen closely you can hear it move through the trees. It sounds like someone is driving around the bend on the gravel road but as you watch the trees they begin to sway one by one, and you realize it's simply the wind. It is truly breathtaking. 

I keep hearing the same thing this week, everywhere I turn. It's kind of like the wind moving through the trees, at first it is in the distance and then it becomes louder and  I figure maybe I should listen a little closer. 

The theme that I keep hearing is Listen, listen to the Holy Spirit and live in the flow of His will. Now, I know that "Living in the flow of the Holy Spirit" sounds a little foo foo la la to a lot of people and it's also a pretty big topic. But the tidbit, the applicable part I have picked up from this is one word... 

Surrender!

So often I have bristled at this word because it seems so un-achievable. Or I have done it and I don't see results, circumstances don't change. I have made it ceremonial. Like, "Okay God, here I go, are you watching? Because I am on my knees and I am surrendering this."
That might be a bit of an exaggeration. But seriously, even if my heart is in the right place and I surrender a big thing to him I feel like I didn't do it right when I continue to battle it.

As I am learning about the Holy Spirit in a class, listening to Sunday morning sermons or reading a book about being a better version of me, I keep hearing the same thing... 

Don't try to be better or work harder. 

But you see, this is what I do. I try the next thing, I work hard, I TRY. And if that doesn't work, I try harder. I forget to breathe, I force, I clench my jaw, I explode. And vow to try harder the next day. 

Surrender. Every. Little. Thing. I tend to save the word Surrender for the big stuff, the major life decisions. But what about all the little things? It really is simple, just not easy. 

Several years ago I was at  conference at our church, the pastor who was speaking said that every morning he prayed the same prayer, one he wrote specifically for himself and his struggles. It was eye opening to me to hear this because often I felt that God doesn't want to hear the same thing over and over or my prayers shouldn't be something I read or recite to him. His point was that by doing this we are inviting God into our lives daily and admitting that we can't do anything without him. I started by writing out a prayer that encompassed all the things I struggle with in a day. For example, "today I will not compare myself to others or be jealous of their circumstances..." For months I had this piece of paper taped to the inside of our coffee cupboard so it was the first thing I saw in the morning. I would stop and read it out loud before making my coffee. As ridiculous as it may sound, it helped me a lot. I now have it memorized and strive to pray it every morning. What it has taught me is that no matter what the days schedule is ahead of me, even if it seems manageable I still need him in it. Otherwise I am just tense and explosive.

Even on the days I remember to pray this prayer I find myself falling into those habits of trying to take the reins and controlling my life. But there is something different about the days that I verbalize my inability and ask God for help. It takes the expectation off of me and the weight from my shoulders. I seem to give myself more grace. I am no expert on surrender and I'm sure I will always be learning how to let go of more. But if I am asking God for help in every area (aka: surrendering) then everyday I will be shaped a little more into the person he has created me to be or learning to live by the power of the Holy Spirit. This word, it means something new to me. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic act to "Surrender".

It's daily, it's simple, it's what I need. 

On the big days and even on the easy days, I want to learn to bend and sway like the trees because like them if I don't surrender to the weight of the wind then I will break. 

Surrender, a picture of strength and beauty like the tall standing trees. May I embrace it everyday. 

A day of celebration

Once a year during this time I can't help but reflect on how much we have been blessed. It will forever mark a season for us of God's perfect love. So, for those of you who haven't heard our story, here is a little piece of the miracle that happened on October 9th five years ago today. 

(a re-post from one year ago today)


Happy Birthday to Rogan!

10/9/09

We load up the car with diaper bags, portable crib, formula, bottles, all the necessary baby things, and we drive to Vancouver. The birth mama is 9 days past her due date and this is the scheduled day to induce. Our case worker told us not to rush up there, because most likely it would be an entire day of waiting. 

We were there by 9 am! Ooops...

I remember trying to be calm and relaxed but I think it was pretty much impossible! Most moms are a little distracted and preoccupied on the day their child is born. Me, I was eating Burgerville for breakfast, checking into a hotel and wandering around Walmart to kill time. We became quite familiar with the hospital waiting room, we watched countless families come and go. Some waddling in, and others being checked out to head home with their bundle of joy. I will say, there isn't a magazine you can read to keep you entertained for 12 hours while there is a girl in the room down the hall giving birth to a baby that will be our son. 

Here is what I wrote on the day he was born, 

"Oh, sweet baby, we met you today! You are so precious! Your birth mom handed you to me with tears in her eyes, showing gratitude to us. I've never felt more blessed. You were born at 9:36 pm weighing 7lbs 4oz. I'm so rummy and tired already that I heard the nurses say you were 55" long and I didn't think a thing of it...you were really 19 1/2" long." 

We were bustled off to the infant ICU, where he was given his first bath and looked over by the nurses. He was perfectly healthy but because the adoption wasn't final he had to be kept in a lock down facility. We stayed there with Rogan hooked up to monitors (ICU protocol), taking turns sleeping on the one little bench while the other one went back to the hotel room to shower, eat and catch a couple hours of sleep.

10/13/09 
Finally paper work had gone through and we were released from the hospital after four very long nights. Of course, this all took place on a holiday weekend so everything was delayed. It still seems crazy that we were so excited to take a newborn "home" to a hotel room, where we would stay until a judge signed off on more paper work so we could cross the border into Oregon. We weren't able to have any visitors for the five days we were in the hospital, so you can imagine we were pretty happy to show him off to our family and friends at the hotel. 

We spent a couple more days hotel living, but that seemed like a piece of cake because we didn't have nurses coming in and out every couple hours, we had a TV, a bed, and most importantly we were all together! 

And so today we celebrate this blessing and gift God has given us. May I never forget how he took care of every detail and worry I had that day going to the hospital, wondering and doubting and scared out of my mind. This is one of those moments where faith is built and I trust more and more that God's plans are always better than mine. 

Thanks for reading a very special part of my story.