When you don't know what to say

Recently I was asked by a friend how I have gotten over the pain of infertility, and what helped me the most. She was asking because someone close to her is facing a road I am very familiar with. One of tests, procedures, medication and hopelessness. My response to the first question was, 

"I am not over it". 

Just that simple, it has touched and scarred my life forever. I do have hope now, and I haven't always been able to say that. God has healed my heart in many ways, yet the mystery and the pain still remains. This question and conversation got me thinking that there are others out there that are either personally going through this or loved ones that don't know what to say. There have been times in my past where I have wanted to scream from a mountain top words like, "Don't ever say this to me again!" or "If one more person says...!!"  

It is probably good that I didn't climb up on that mountain with a loud speaker because it would've been coming from a place of bitterness and anger. I'm not saying I am perfectly fixed now  still a work in progress. However, I can say that I am no longer resentful. I am frequently asked about my experiences and share my infertility and adoption story with so many of you whether that be at the park, grocery store or a garage sale. It is my story and I'm always willing to share the things God has carried me through.  

So, if you have someone in your life facing infertility whether it's been one month of "trying" or ten years. Whether they have other children or have adopted, take a minute to hear one girls heart on what not to say and what has nourished my soul the most. 

8 things to never say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant:

1.  Just relax, it will happen. Unless you have the gift of prophesy, you really don't know that it will happen. Maybe that is not God's plan, please don't speak words just to be positive. 

2.  You’re still young, you have time.  Suggesting that there is more waiting involved doesn't really offer hope. My doctor said this to me 10 years ago, now she tells me I am approaching the high risk age if I were to become pregnant...

3.  I'll give you my kids, they drive me crazy. Now that I'm a parent I understand there are days you really want to say this. But in reality you aren't going to sign your kids over, so don't joke about it to someone who wants a baby more than anything.

4.  Have you tried... (eating oysters, basal body temp, tea, supplements, standing on your head, fill in the blank) I know the suggestions come from a good place of just wanting to help. And I'm sure there are some success stories from the above methods. But most likely what you heard on Dr Oz isn't going to be the key to getting them knocked up. And you can bet they have researched and tried more things than you have time to hear.

5.  It will happen when you least expect it, you just need to surrender it.  Have you ever tried to just not think about something? Or drive by a wreck and not look? It is impossible to forget about it and just let it go. Yes, there is a heart issue of surrender, but that isn't the key to getting pregnant.

6.  My friend/sister/aunt/cousin adopted and then got pregnant.... maybe you should try that. That is their story, and while you may think this will give hope, it doesn't. It leaves a person feeling more alone and flawed like everyone else is receiving the one thing they want and desire the most. 

7.  Please don't keep other pregnancy news a secret. I know this comes from good intentions of wanting to protect but it really isn't necessary to walk on eggshells. Please just understand that the news may be a little hard to swallow as yet another families dreams are coming true.

8.  Enjoy this time while you can, without kids. It will all change once you have a baby. Of course it will all change, that is exactly why they are trying to start a family. As we know now with having a child of our own, there is much sacrifice, not so many date nights and spontaneity, but it is all so very worth it. 

If you have said these things in the past, don't beat yourself up. We are all trying to figure out how to be better friends and supporters. I am sure I have unknowingly said hurtful things to people I care about just because I am clueless to their struggle. 

That is just it, we don't know what someone else is facing until we ourselves have walked that very same road. 

So, if you find yourself walking this road with a friend or a family member, here are a few things that I have appreciated hearing and receiving...

A listening ear, with no suggestions or advice. Just a hug, a head nod and sharing tears together says a thousand words.

Admitting that you have no idea what they are going through. Be honest. My Dad told me once that he couldn't imagine what I was facing because for them pregnancy and kids just happened. Those words say so much. Validating that your friend is facing a very hard season brings recognition to the pain that so often others don't see or talk about. 

 When you ask them how they are doing, be ready to hear that they are not okay. You don't have to fix them. Again just listen and accept them for where they are. Even if that means letting them be real...sometimes its just necessary to cuss and cry and not have it all together.

Act on those little nudges to send a card or give a gift. I have received cards or little gifts that just make me feel loved. It is often the feelings of isolation that hurt so much, the feelings that others just don't understand. When you receive a little bit of sunshine it is great encouragement that you are not walking this road alone and someone is thinking about you. 

I truly believe that we are all earnestly trying to help each other and understand. Sometimes we just don't know what to say. And that is okay. If we can forgive ourselves for the times we have been insensitive and forgive others when they have stepped on us we can learn how to be better friends. I am always learning. Learning to be honest when someone asks me about my story and learning to be more understanding of others journeys that I haven't traveled. 

I am grateful for my friend who so honestly asked me that question, to search and look for a way to be a better friend for her sister and to stir these thoughts in me. 

Thanks for reading .